#Gladiators, throughout these five seasons of Scandal, I haven't been Mellie's biggest fan, but I have been sympathetic to her. Her life has basically been like Marley & Me, if the whole movie was just the last five minutes [SPOILER ALERT] where the dog dies. I mean, one of Mellie's sons was murdered, her husband cheated on her for years with multiple women, she thought she had a second shot at love with Andrew, but then he turned out to be a monster, she's been sexually assaulted by her father-in-law, and she gave up her career so she could focus on Fitz becoming president. She has clearly been through a lot and is still standing, much to the annoyance of Fitz. And while she has given her fair share of speeches (this is a Shondaland production, after all), she seems to always be the one who ended up with the "L" when it came to Olitz. Well, that all changed during last night's episode, "Get Out of Jail, Free," and I officially became a card-carrying member of #TeamMellie. She stood up for herself and let Liv and Fitz hear everything she ever wanted to say to them. I was in complete awe.
Y'all, when I write that, I mean, Mellie went in hard. Like when you get summer-reading assignments in high school, but you spent the 11.9 weeks of summer straight chilling, so you have to binge-read Beowulf, Animal Farm, and Machiavelli's The Prince the night before school starts. Mellie. Went. In. She then broke Fitz the hell down like an improper fraction and let him know how much she has given up for his sorry, trifling life. All the sacrifices she made to protect him (and yes, herself as well, because she's always wanted to be president). All the times she rolled over and played asleep while Fitz got out of bed, put on his New Balance sneakers, and hit up Liv for a midnight sex snack. All the times that Fitz was all too happy to embarrass, ridicule, and blame her for everything while accepting none of the responsibility for his part. Then, after Mellie was done with him, she took a break to drink a Vitamin Water Zero (all the electrolytes but none of the calories), and then went in on Liv so hard that Liv's lip was shaking like that glass of water does in all the Jurassic Park movies when the dinosaurs are a-coming. Basically, Mellie was amazing and that was because of Bellamy Young. So please give her all the awards. I'm talking Emmy, Golden Globe, and Bonner Brothers Hair Show Award for Best White Chick With a Bouffant. Now, before I continue gushing over Mellie, we have to talk about what happened last night that caused her MVP performance.
We open with Sally throwing shade at the Grant administration like she hasn't also done some dirty deeds. Anyway, it turns out she's smug because it's the day where Mellie's going to testify before the committee about Fitz. Mellie's with her lawyer and tells him, "I got this, boo. Their questions are going to be easier than level-one Sudoku." Cut to the actual committee, and the first question out of the gate is: "When did you first learn of the affair?" She says she learned when the rest of the world did. Now, she should know that if she's only been in a situation for .469 seconds and she's already lying, her world is about to fall apart like a cheap suit. And fall apart it does because they present her with a transcript of Jeannine Locke's testimony stating that Mellie would pay her $2 million to lie and say she slept with Fitz. And because Mellie's realizes her whole life is practically over at this moment, she says, "I don't recall." Look, people I don't recall a lot of things because the human brain is unreliable, but her goofy ass knows she would recall the date and time of when she found out her husband had been putting his gun in someone else's holster.
Clearly, this is a colossal mess, so the Grant administration readjusts. Patty tells Fitz that he's not testifying and then Cy says, "You and Liv are going to have to get married." Liv balks (and so do I) because Fitz is still married. Cy is like, "You got me up in these streets claiming a heaux on my W-9 and 1099-MISC tax forms. The hell you talking about you not going to marry Fitz for convenience?" Good. Point. Still, Liv resists, and Fitz promises they will figure out another solution. Whatever.
We check in on Rowan, and guess who is visiting him? Elise, Jake's boring spy wife, who is about as interesting as a half-used container of Burt's Bees lip balm, but her hair is cute, so I don't change the channel. Apparently, she's going to help Rowan get out of prison so he can start up B613, which is exactly the one thing no one is here for. She tells him to go to a laundry room with a guard who will smuggle him out of the prison in a laundry cart. Rowan meets up with the guard and they start fighting. The guard is like 32 years old, and Rowan is old enough to have an AARP discount card that allows him to see Steve Jobs for Great Depression–era prices, yet Rowan is stronger than the guard and kills him. Jake soon finds out about what happened at the prison, so he confronts Elise. She said that she is not working for Rowan, but was trying to have him killed. Well, you failed. Add that to the list of the other things you've failed at: making Jake forget about Liv's vajeen and making me give a damn that you're on this show.
Back to Olitz. OPA is going to have to testify before the committee, and they come up with the brilliant idea that they will blame the Jeannine Locke video leak on Harrison and the idea works. Meanwhile, Columbus Short is at home trying to update his IMDB page to say this plot point means he was in season five, episode six. Nice try, boo-boo. You know who else is trying and losing right now? Rowan. He calls Liv from the hospital to let her know that people are trying to kill him, and she hangs up with him faster than I do with Sallie Mae. She then tells Abby that she if she testifies, she will have to perjure herself in order to save Fitz. Abby then says the only solution is to marry Fitz. Eyeroll. Thankfully, Liv still thinks this is crazy and wants to go talk to Fitz.
She arrives at the White House. There are roses, candles, and some classic R&B music playing. She goes out to the balcony and Fitz is in a tuxedo and wants to propose to Liv properly. She panics and says this is not what she wanted; he cusses her and says that if she doesn't want to get engaged right now then she never will. He walks away and Liv is looking all sad like she is in the wrong. NOPE. This entire corny scene is why I don't like Fitz. I MEAN, THE DUDE WAS STILL WEARING HIS WEDDING RING WHILE PROPOSING TO OLIVIA AND HE'S GOING TO ACT LIKE LIV NOT RUSHING INTO MARRIAGE IS THE PROBLEM HERE. FITZ, FOR THE LOVE OF BLACK JESUS (A.K.A. SERENA WILLIAMS'S PERFECTLY MANICURED EYEBROWS), PLEASE:
Listen, I know some of the readers of my recaps have been griping about me hating on Fitz this season, and you're probably going to complain about me being mad at this scene, but please tell me how I am wrong. Please tell me how I'm ridiculous for deciding that Fitz is a piece of s**t after he passed his peen around like promotional flyers for 1994 Lollapalooza? Let me teach y'all something: The way he is treating his current wife, Mellie, is how he's going to treat Liv, so everyone thinking Olitz is going to be nothing but jam making and fleece zip-ups from L.L. Bean is fooling themselves. Yes, Fitz is hot. Yes, I would let Fitz take me to the bone zone, no condoms style, but Fitz is also trash. He is non-biodegradable trash that is killing Planet Earf. He is the trash that Native American Iron Eyes Cody in the 1970s pollution commercial was crying about. I'm not saying this to be mean. I'm saying this because the sooner everyone can accept this, the better.
Liv drunk dials Jake and is like, "What should I do?" Seriously? Liv is being an ass here. I already went into it last week about how her making Jake her bestie after stamping "return to sender" on his peen is several shades of trifling, so I won't do it again this week. Anyway, Jake has grown a pair and hangs up on her. Then Quinn comes over and is like, "Rowan needs you." So Liv heads to the hospital. Turns out he's not actually having heart problems like he claimed before. He was faking it to keep him in the prison hospital and away from being shanked. He then tells her that he needs her to get him out of here, and if she can do that, he'll handle the committee and stop the impeachment. This is tempting, but this is like waking a sleeping dragon. Don't do it, Liv!
Turns out what I want doesn't matter, and Liv meets Mellie at the Underground Railroad of the White House. She tries to convince Mellie that releasing Rowan will save them all, but Mellie refuses because the last time she worked with him, he had all those jurors killed. They argue some more and then Liv reveals that Rowan killed Lil Jerry. WHAT?!?! This is devastating, but then I start laughing. I don't mean to, but it's hilarious to me that Liv tells Mellie that Rowan killed her son, and then struts away like she's in a church fashion show. But for real, this is pretty selfish and low of Liv. I know that she probably wanted to clear her conscience, but this is not the way to go about it. UGH.
The next morning, Liv tells Fitz she will marry him. EYEROLL OF THE CENTURY. Call me when they're on Judge Joe Brown getting a divorce. After agreeing to marry Fitz, Liv calls Jake again. Instead of hanging up, Jake gives her a piece of his mind (yay!) and then he gets off the phone and tells Elise he's going away with her (huh?). This is like on Super Mario Kart when you're Luigi and you're in first place and about 50 yards from the finish line and then you run over a banana peel and finish 7th. Jake was legit winning after cussing Liv out, and then he had to go ruin everything by deciding to run away with Low Budget Monica Bellucci. I. Can't.
We catch up with Fitz and Mellie. Mellie is getting ready to sign the divorce papers; they just have to hammer out some final details. As per usual, Fitz is acting like an ass, talking about how she's taking everything from him. Last I checked, Fitz is still the president, still living in the White House, and about to get a new wife. Meanwhile, Mellie is uploading her résumé to Monster.com, crashing at a two-bedroom apartment she found on AirBnB, and eating low-sodium Lean Cuisines alone. So how exactly is she taking everything from him? He is so stupid, you guys. Anyway, she signs the papers, starts to leave, and then Fitz has to just say one more slick thing because he can't help himself. I guess Mellie had enough of his bull because she turns around and really lets him have it after he blamed the impeachment on her and not his roving eye. Basically, Mellie snatched Fitz's brows and used them as Swiffer dusters to tidy up the room before storming the hell out.
Next, we see VP Susan in David's office. She wants to resign, but David talks her out of it and that's all this plot point deserves. I mean, who really cares about Susan? Exactly. It's all about the wedding!
It's the day of the wedding and Liv looks uneasy. Everything is happening so quickly. She realizes she will have to give up huge parts of herself and OPA if she says, "I do." She gets a phone call and leaves the Oval Office. Across town, Jake goes to the train station and finds Elise. She has been killed and I don't care about that at all. So we return to the WH. Abby returns Liv's engagement ring to Fitz and we see Liv back at the Underground Railroad. Mellie is there and gives a half cracked speech about how Liv freed her from Fitz and is now going to make her President of the United States. Why? Because Mellie did what Liv wanted and freed Rowan, who in turn had envelopes delivered to each committee member, and inside the 'lopes is incriminating evidence about him or her. Snap! Just like that impeachment is o-v-e-r. Liv immediately regrets asking Mellie to do this. End of episode. Standing ovation from me. Now before I get out of here, I want to address two things:
1) I'm out on these internet streets and see what's being written. Some of y'all really thought Olitz was going to get married and then go eat a plate of baked salmon with a side of Jasmine rice at the reception. Some of y'all really thought they were going wash down a slice of lemon cake with a glass of champagne while Jake was making sure Liv's 1962 Diana Ross and the Supremes beehive 'do was staying in place. Some of y'all really thought Olitz were going to board Air Force One and fly to Dubai and buy some silk fabric that's normally used on Project Runway. And to all of that I say:
Did y'all bump your heads and forget what show you were watching? Shonda Lynn Rhimes is not about people being happy. She is about how people ruin their damn lives in the pursuit of happiness, so of course Olitz were not going to get married. Maybe that will happen in the series finale, but no way in hell is that happening today.
2) While some may think that it is ridiculous that Mellie is teaming up with the man who killed her son, I think it's great. She has lost her damn mind. She clearly is not going to join Tinder and find a new beau who wears oatmeal-colored sweaters and has perma half-chub. She's also not going to return to her hometown and practice law again like this is a cheesy romantic comedy. Her only option left is to become president or burn the world down trying to accomplish that goal. So bring it, Mellie! Light the match. I'm here for the bats**t crazy. #TeamMellieForLife