And I thought last week’s episode was a doozy. I’m going to try and write this recap with my jaw on the floor, because OMFG, do I need to change my definition of doozy. We got another kidnapping, a murder, a resurrection (sort of?) and the biggest revelation of them all in this episode, so away we go:
Again, we start with a flash-forward three years into the future. I like this framework for the season, it keeps me guessing! Plus 5.
BROADCAST. JOURNALISM. Plus 20.
Fiancé? What? Are she and Stefan getting married? Plus INFINITY POINTS.
“I think he wants to plan a trip. To Mystic Falls.”
“But he knows we can’t go back there.” So three years from now, Mystic Falls is still a ghost town. Minus 4.
Matt is the only cop in this town run amok with heretics. He definitely used to play video games to this effect when he was a kid. He wasn’t expecting it to come true, though. Minus 8.
“I’m not going to pretend my good looks are the reason class is so full.”
[Raises hand.] Um, that’s definitely why I’m here, Professor Saltzman. Plus 18.
Real talk: Bonnie is going to college still? Really? Her Hogwarts letter got seriously lost. Minus 4.
“Ghost Selfie.” Ah, yes, the sequel to last week’s Murder Selfie. What will it be next week? Prediction: Zombie Selfie.
“I’m beginning to think you’re just using me for random hot make-out sessions, which I’m not entirely opposed to, but give me a call.”
Stefan, let’s be real: You’re definitely opposed to random hot make-out sessions. The minute you like it, you wanna put a ring on it, and that’s okay. Plus 6.
It’s Beau, my favorite heretic! Plus 4.
Beau, if you hurt Stefan, you will no longer be my favorite heretic. Minus 15.
Nora: “I’m wearing your jacket, though it’s a little large on me.”
Um, did you just fat-shame literally perfect Caroline? No way, girl, it’s the 21st century. You can love whoever you want, but you cannot fat-shame. Minus 100.
“Carol Lockwood and I had a little thing, she’d want me to have it.” The level of my actually-out-loud LOL at this line may have been a bit too enthusiastic. Plus 30.
Damon actually looks upset that Caroline is hurt. Plus 50.
Here’s my thesis on Lily, whom I do not understand a single bit: He was a child. You left him and did not care when he died. You’re a bitch. Minus 100.
No explanation for how Alaric stole the Phoenix Stone from a museum. He’s a vampire hunter and a jewel thief, apparently. Plus 8 for skills you can put on a résumé in Mystic Falls, I guess.
“We have to destroy it.”
Translation: We are absolutely not destroying this and will soon confront said horrible dark magic.
“What do you think about letting me use magic to stop your heart?”
Matt’s eye-roll translation: I think it’s just another Thursday and I’m the freakin’ token human is what I think. Minus 2.
“I made a snide comment about Nora’s hair and Mary Louise poisoned my food for a month.” I want Valerie and Caroline to be friends. Plus 10.
Bonnie’s visions are scary. But take note: Those weird markings are the same ones we saw on Beau’s neck AND Stefan’s chest during the premiere’s flash-forward. There’s some significance there. I am scared to find out what. (Plus 4 because apparently I’m a masochist and enjoy being tortured by my beloved show.)
“Pull out Elena’s coffin and dump her body into the river under the falls. She can spend the next 60 years underwater.” I — um … do not even have words? Minus 50.
Stefan attempts to swoop Caroline up. Caroline swoons, partially because of vervain and partially because she knows Stefan is so good at swooping. Plus 14.
But wait! Her skin is vervain to everyone, including him! [Shakes fist at show.] You made them make out … and now they can’t touch. So cruel. Minus 10.
“She’s not a toy soldier.”
“And Malcom was not a vase.” Stealing Elena’s coffin is cold. I know these heretics are supposed to be the Big Bads, but Lily is the WORST. Minus 100.
Salvatore boys drinking by a fireplace. I know the algorithm by now: There’s gonna be a fight.
Called it! But Damon also expertly calls that this is exactly what Lily wants: to take away their “toys,” turn them against one another, and fracture their family like they have fractured hers. It’s a genius plan. Damn it. Minus 20.
Stefan threw his drink, so you know we’re getting down to business. Also, he clenched his jaw. Plus 10.
Stefan is solidly Team Salvatore — but to keep the team together, Damon’s plan is to divide and conquer: Stef will work on Lily, making her think that he and his big bro are feuding … while Damon finds the sixth heretic (um, the one I forgot about?) and convinces them to trade themselves for Caroline and Elena. At least, I think that’s the plan. Plus 50 for Team Salvatore remaining unscathed … minus 10 because Lily is so formidable, I feel like she might see right through them.
Alaric, casually creating almost-zombies with the phoenix stone in a morgue. Sigh. Something tells me Jo is coming back soon … but not in a good way. Minus 6.
“I didn’t choose us. I chose you.” Uh-oh … are Enzo and Lily going to …? I mean, personally I think that would be yuck, but based on Lily’s utterly thrilled expression (I’m calling it “utterly thrilled” because it was the most facial movement we’ve seen in her since we met), I’m guessing she would be down for Enzo’s D. Does she deserve some happiness? Jury’s out until we get Elena and Caroline back. No points.
Hmm, the complexities of siblings: Valerie called Mary Louise and Nora the worst … but Nora is flipping the tables and saying Valerie wins the “worst heretic in history” award. And she’s using … Stefan’s diary from 1863 to prove it?
“I met someone. A girl. We only spoke for a moment, but her name was Valerie. And she might be the most wonderful girl I’ve ever met.” OH, BROTHER. Stefan, you are the worst serial monogamist who ever lived. Minus 80.
Flash-forward again to three years from now: Caroline is ready to call her fiancé (!!) and figure out the Mystic Falls trip.
But then her assistant says the worst possible words, and we learn that STEFAN. IS NOT. THE FIANCE. This assistant must be fired immediately. Minus 100.
It gets worse: “Well, if he calls back, tell him that I’m not here. And I never want to hear the name Stefan Salvatore ever again, got it?”
And then they both get shot: Tony the assistant with an arrow to the neck, and Caroline with a stake to the (almost) heart.
Cue my own heart stopping: WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED? Caroline hates Stefan for a reason I’m guessing is named Valerie (so never mind, they can’t be friends). What happened there? Where is Elena? Who is the sixth heretic? WHAT HAPPENED TO BEAU’S NECK? So many questions, and a whole season until we get answers. Until next week, I’m composing Tony’s eulogy (Sorry, Tony, I may have been a bit harsh. That doesn’t mean I wanted you to die.) on Twitter @Talkativetara.