Justin Bieber Says That’s As Big As His Dick Gets, and 8 Other Quotes From Billboard’s Cover Story

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The Justin Bieber media blitz for Purpose has been purposely entertaining. Already we've seen him use taco metaphors to explain religion, walk out on an interview he didn't understand, and school off-beat fans on how to clap. Now he's got a new cover story in Billboard that's Justin Bieber at his most Bieber-y. We learn that Biebs, like most of us, has been glued to "the Justin Bieber Show" (a reality show that somehow doesn't already exist) and is sick of it. He's on a journey to find himself (and Jesus), and with that comes a lot of quirky introspection. Here are the nine most Bieber moments from his interview.

1. He lives in an alternate (and incorrect) reality where more people cared about him crying at the VMAs than "Miley, what's good?"
"Asked why he thinks Nicki Minaj’s beef with Miley Cyrus was the bigger VMAs story, he balks, 'I honestly thought my crying was more talked about.'"

2. Biebs hasn't a clue who Bette Midler is, even though he's on her radar.
"'This Britt Meddler,' says Justin, unintentionally mangling the stage-and-screen legend’s name. 'I don’t even know who that is, honestly. I wanted to immediately say ‘Who is this lady?’, but then I’m just fueling this negativity. I do feel the photo was an invasion of my privacy. I felt super violated. My dad made light of it, but I don’t think that’s sick and twisted. It was funny. Dads are going to be dads.'"

3. He's a shower, not a grower.
“I was scared. I first saw the one with the black bar over it. I was like, ‘Oh, my God. I just got out of the water. Shrinkage is real.’ ” So, er, was it? “No, no. That’s as big as she gets.”

4. His dinner etiquette is a work in progress.
"At Mastro’s, Bieber knows what he wants — filet mignon and a glass of cabernet — and orders it like a swanky person in the movies would, without opening a menu. But he’s confused by the waiter reaching out to place a napkin in his lap, pausing a beat before scooting his chair back and explaining, 'Sorry — I’m not fancy, bro.' When he samples my meal — seared ahi, which he has never tried before — he picks it up with his hands. The taste of rye whiskey in my cocktail makes him wince."

5. But he still dines like Don Corleone.
"The moment the star sits down, the restaurant seamlessly switches over to an all-Bieber soundtrack. He’s used to the universe eagerly morphing to his presence. 'It’s a sign of respect,' he says of the restaurant music like a mafia don."

6. He's had his dreams of being a comedian crushed.
"He decries the 'fake fantasy world' celebrity creates — yes-people convincing him, 'like, oh, everything I say is funny. I must be the funniest dude ever. Only to find out, man, my jokes suck.'"

7. He thinks Selena Gomez may have Taylor Swifted him on Revival.
"He still hasn’t listened to her new album because 'I know I had a lot of play in that one. I don’t know what she’s saying about me.'"

8. The Bible is super confusing for him, too.
"I had all these questions and things were not adding up. ‘Well, why is this, then? How did all those animals fit on Noah’s Ark, then?’”

9. If you're staying at the same Beverly Hills hotel he's been living at for a year, he might just treat you to a private Beatles performance.
"[His day] might end with him sneaking down from his room to the hotel lounge to play the piano while people drink. Like the new Bieber himself, what his go-to song lacks in subtlety, it makes up for in earnest vulnerability: 'Let It Be' by The Beatles."