Branding Your Infant for the 21st Century Marketplace, by Pablo Goldstein

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Hello, Los Feliz Lamaze! Lane Bronson is the name, branding is my game. Nancy, or Mom as I like to call her, came down with the flu, so I’ll be filling in for today’s class. And since you’re all only a few weeks away from popping out little bundles of joy, I thought we could skip the breathing exercises for something far more important. You see, self-branding is the key to success in life. And since your diminutive blobs of meat and bones won’t understand the concept of their “self” for years, it’s up to you to ensure your child’s personal brand is authentic and always on-message. If you plan on sending your little one to private school, his or her application begins today. Do we all understand?

Great! Let’s start with you two. Roy and Karen? Nice to meet you. An interracial couple is perfect in today’s globalized economy. Biracial children are hip, fresh, and cool. Roy, do I detect some Native American ancestry? Quarter Choctaw? Bingo! Your fetus is already off to a great start. Racial ambiguity is huge in the 18-35 demo. Being able to tell the ethnicity of your friend or co-worker is so passé. And make sure to play up your child’s genetic makeup when asking the doctor for a vaccination waiver.

Moving on. Your names? Luis and Becky. Hispanics, I take it? I love it! Your child will be relevant in this crowded marketplace the moment you give birth. And what are your professions? A mechanical engineer and a stay-at-home mom? LOVE IT. If you’re trying to increase a baby’s Q Score, a mom with an iPhone and way too much time on her hands is excellent. That gives you tons of opportunities to monetize your own flesh and blood. You know how much bank the typical owner of an internet-famous cat makes in one calendar year? We’re talking six figures. You can save up enough money to cover her college prep school tuition in just a couple of years. Are we on board? Great. So our next step is for you, Becky, to eat a steady diet of paint chips over the next four weeks. Hear me out: Every pet on Instagram with over a million followers, from Marnie the Dog to Lil’ Bub, has some kind of physical deformity. With statistics-driven publishing so important to viral success these days, you’ll need something like a lazy tongue or an extra ear to really make your baby stand out. Yes? No? I’m going to take the dumbfounded look on your face as a “maybe!”

This is all too easy. Where’s a challenge for ol’ Lane Bronson? Oh, do I spot a white couple? Yes I do! So, let’s start with the obvious: Your baby will be Caucasian. Not the best starting point for visual storytelling on an actionable data level. And do you know the sex? Male. A white male baby. Bleh. How do we get a white male baby to promote his brand not only in a hyperlocal world community, but an increasingly more diverse and progressive America? Think, Lane, think…I got it! Gay baby. A baby that is gay. I’m getting an angry vibe from you two when normally I receive one of euphoric gratitude. What? I’m sexualizing an unborn infant? Wow. Shame on you. I hope your child resists your archaic homophobic worldview.

Where’s everyone going? Don’t leave! Fine, walk away from advice that normally costs $1,500 for a three-hour seminar. But before you go, let me say this: When your child is born, you will feel an immediate emotional connection. Some say it’s unconditional love. But others know that it’s direct, analytical engagement to ensure your baby’s socially-infused anchor statement is positioned for peak market leadership.

It’s very simple, folks. Shoot me a request on LinkedIn when you feel like joining the 21st century.

Pablo Goldstein is a writer from Los Angeles, CA.

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