The Bachelor Recap: Ball-Handling Skills

Photo: Rick Rowell/ABC
The Bachelor
Episode Title
Week Three
Editor’s Rating

Every so often, The Bachelor will present us with archetypes to represent the different kinds of people and their struggles with love or life or unlimited mimosas. This episode, we’re presented with two types of women and how they relate to other women. If other women hate you, you’re either an Olivia or a Jubilee.

What does that mean? Well, Olivia is the type of woman who gets a boyfriend and drops all her friends because they just don’t understand when someone truly understands you. Olivias are women who wake up before their boyfriend wakes up to put on makeup. Olivias would never be seen dead in yoga pants outside of a yoga studio. Jubilees, on the other hand, are tragic, misunderstood weirdos. Jubilee is your hot best friend who never seems to find a man and goes to Homecoming in a group of 20 other gals from her gifted program. Jubilees hide behind humor and sarcasm to hide their sadness. They have an entire outfit made purely of sweats. Some women look at them relating to men as people and get irrationally angry.

Olivia is a megalomaniac who interprets every glance from Ben as a sign of his undying affection. Jubilee is basically a Paul Giamatti character in the body of a Love & Hip Hop background extra.

Also, let’s just say it now: Jubilee is obviously someone who grew up in incredibly difficult circumstances and developed grit, humor, and compassion, but also is super insecure when compared to women whose occupation is “Twin.” The other ladytestants believe every one of her actions is motivated by superiority and malice. They’ve all got a severe case of “Optical-Angry-Black-Woman-itis”; you know, that disease where you can only see the emotional complexity of black women as anger. Happy MLK Day, y’all.

Anyway, let’s get to whatever the rest of this episode was. When it wasn’t a study in interpersonal bitch dynamics, it was watching a bunch of women with clip-on ponytails try to play soccer.

The episode starts with Lauren B. going on a one-on-one date with Ben. Ben shows up in his trademark henley tee and takes flight attendant Lauren B. on a date … on a biplane? So you took her on a date to her job? That’s nice, I guess.

Ben is corny. He calls the biplane “a magic-carpet ride” and tells Lauren that he’s got a good view to his left and a good view to his right. I guess ABC couldn’t get the rights for Ben to quote 2 Chainz: “Left hand on that steering wheel, right hand on that —” Well, we all know how that line ends. Ben also wears a metal and leather “HOPE” bracelet. Ben is the male version of a basic bitch. He’s really into brunch.

Ben and Lauren B. go on a hot-tub date in the desert. Either that, or my peyote started to kick in. Lauren B. describes her date in way too much detail and makes it seem like … she might have a crush on her dad. Whatever, Lauren B. gets a rose.

But who really cares about this date? Really? Why talk about this date when we can talk about Caila just bursting into tears?

Because,America. Whoa.

Caila is just having a conversation back at the house when she starts crying because she loves Ben so much already and her heart is broken that he’s going on dates. No one tell her about the desert hot tub.

It’s time for the group date where Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H., Olivia, Jami, Lace, Rachel, and Emily compete in a soccer camp like they’re 12-year-olds whose parents need the house to themselves during the summer to focus on their marriage. Ben constructed this date in an effort to see how the ladytestants interact as a team. Because he plans on marrying six women and living on a compound back in Warsaw.

Everyone is uncoordinated and Olivia stares directly into Ben’s eyes to peer into his soul. His soul is just country-music videos playing on a loop.

The ladytestants are split into two teams and forced to compete for Ben’s affections. The stars and the stripes face off. Unemployed Rachel takes a dive to gain sympathy from Ben or to take advantage of the free access to some health care with the on-site paramedics. Can you perform a pap smear in the back of an ambulance?

The Stripes head to a hotel with Ben, and they all turn on Olivia’s toes. She’s got fat toes. She’s a monster. Olivia steals Ben from every single woman on the group date, but Ben gives the group rose to Amber, who is a thirsty mess this entire episode.

It’s time for Jubilee’s one-on-one date. I have not been this excited for a date … EVER. Jubilee is so happy, and I’m so happy. I just want her to be happy. I don’t even care if it’s with Ben because she’s worthy of happiness. The other ladytestants can’t handle that Jubilee has opinions and feelings and want to sabotage her dreams. Jubilee hates helicopters and makes a joke about it. Jubilee is wearing an amazing all-white ensemble, and I’m surprised the ladytestants didn’t douse her in pig’s blood or pomegranate juice.

Ben and Jubilee have AN AMAZING TIME. She playfully spits out caviar and smoked salmon, and Ben thinks she’s hilarious. Jubilee is the only one who feels like a real person. Jubilee calls Ben “a white boy” to test out his sense of humor, and he laughs. As a black woman out there in the dating scene, that’s a thing you have to do, and Jubilee is real as hell. She’s awkward and insecure, and she knows who she is. She continues to be ***flawless. Ben and Jubilee make out a ton in a hot tub, and at dinner, and at … I really want them to make it. He gives her a rose after she opens up about her childhood, and Ben’s eyes get misty.

Jubilee’s favorite food is hot dogs.

Back at the house, everyone is stunned that Jubilee has a rose. I mean … can they see her? Do they see her face and body? Do they hear her? When she speaks and is charming and a delight?! Lauren H. says that she can’t imagine Jubilee bonding with the other soccer moms in Ben’s future.

Hey, Lauren H.? No one asked you.

Ben gets a phone call before the cocktail party that there have been some deaths in his family and his community, and he’s looking for someone who can take care of him when something like this happens. So, naturally, Olivia takes that opportunity to talk about her cankles. In the words of my dear, dear friend Meghan, “I can’t.”

In an effort to actually make Ben feel better, Jubilee takes him aside to give him a massage, and Amber tries to set a trap for Jubilee. The plan backfires and drives Jubilee further into Ben’s arms. “This ain’t cute,” Jubilee says of the whole situation. This girl ain’t never lied.

Then comes the tragedy of the season: Lace sends herself home. Her parting words are those of the immortal and inimitable RuPaul: “If you can’t love yourself, how are you going to love somebody else.” Lace, you were no Ashley S., but you made your mark.

No one can or will ever be Ashley S. Remember that.

It’s time for the Rose Ceremony. Lauren H., Amanda, Becca, Haley, Emily, Rachel, Caila, Jojo, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia all get roses. Jami leaves in a huff saying she’s going to start adopting cats. Can I recommend Neko Atsume, the cat-collecting app that’s sweeping the nation by storm?

Olivia knows that Ben’s little squeeze on her waist means that he can’t give her everything all the time, but he’s sending her little messages. Run, Ben. Run.