This is the episode of Lip Sync Battle where heterosexual women embraced drag. (Although: Is it still drag? We’ll leave that question for you gender-studies grad students to ponder.) Eva Longoria was up against a surprisingly dead-in-the-eyes Hayden Panettiere last night, and for the second half — the turnt-up portion — Longoria put padding in to do Nicki Minaj’s “Anaconda,” and Panettiere wore even more makeup to do “Lady Marmalade.” But do fake hair and a fake ass make a good lip-sync? Let’s roll the tapes!
Battle 1: Hayden Panettiere’s “One Way or Another” vs. Eva Longoria’s “Low”
What a thirsty little one Hayden Panettiere is. It’s not a good sign when you start off by asking for the audience’s approval before you even lip-sync, but that’s exactly what Hayden Panettiere does that with a wild, desperate look. Any life emanating behind her eyes, though, seems to leave her when it’s time to lip-sync, which is strange because she is a professional lip-syncer on Nashville. In either case, her performance of Blondie’s “One Way or Another” is a study in boredom. She walks around the stage and attempts to get up on Eva. This all makes Eva Longoria’s Flo Rida number all the better in contrast. Eva has the swagger, the moves, and a really great ass.
Winner: Eva Longoria by a boot with the fur.
Battle 2: Eva Longoria’s “Anaconda” vs. Hayden Panettiere’s “Lady Marmalade”
Why does Hayden look so scared? Is it because she knows that she cannot match the awesomeness that is Christina Aguilera? But alas, not even that genie in a bottle could save this performance. Hayden looks like a train wreck, but thankfully, attention soon shifts on to Xtina, which is as it should be. Eva Longoria’s “Anaconda” isn’t a great performance either, but at least it’s not a terrible one. Part of it is a failure in understanding that lip-syncing Nicki Minaj doesn’t simply mean putting some padding into your shorts. Also, there are some drag queens out there in the world who could have done a better job cutting your pads for you. But perhaps that’s for another show.
Winner: Eva Longoria, by a sliced banana.
Overall: This is a pretty clear call. Even without the celebrity lift, Eva Longoria had this locked down.