LA / NYC
NEW YORK JOKES
“New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time — most, unsolved.” —Johnny Carson
“It’s so cold here in New York that the flashers are just describing themselves.” —Johnny Carson
“Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.” —Johnny Carson
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?” ―Henny Youngman
“The trouble with New York is that it’s so convenient to everything I can’t afford.” —Jack Barry
“I moved to New York City for my health. I’m paranoid, and it was the only place where my fears were justified.” —Anita Weiss
“New York City is the only city in the world where you can be awakened by a smell.” —Jeff Garlin
“In NYC, one suicide in ten is attributed to a lack of storage space.” —Judith Stone
“Being miserable and treating everybody like dirt is every New Yorker’s God-given right.” —Ghostbusters II
“New York is the city that never sleeps, which is why it looks like hell in the morning.” —Bill Maher
“There’s so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.” —Nikita Khrushchev
“New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. There are so many ways to die here.” —Denis Leary
“In other parts of the country, couples try to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York, they try to work things out for the sake of the apartment.” —David Sedaris
“In New York, everyone is an exile, none more so than the Americans.” —Charlotte Perkins Gilman
“I’ve been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. The worst is when the train goes express on a whim. Like, mid-ride, they decide, Let’s not stop. Why are we stoppin’? Let’s just go. And let’s not tell them either. Or let’s tell them as the doors are closing. [Closing doors sound.] ‘Next stop, 205th Street.’ The worst thing is you can’t really react, you know? I can’t go, ‘Oh my God, somebody help me! I don’t belong on this train! That’s not my area up there!’ You can’t do that. When you get there, you gotta get out like, ‘All right, I’m home. Yeah. Good to be back on 6 Trillionth Street.’” —Louis C.K.
“I live in New York. I love this city; it’s a great city. But I hate when people go, ‘New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories.’ There’s three New York stories, all right: There’s ‘I moved here,’ ‘I lived here all my life,’ and Ghostbusters.” —Mike Lawrence
“I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. He hates New York.” —Steven Wright
“I live in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, which is a very hip, cool neighborhood in New York. And really, all that means is that I’m constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like they’re about to go operate a steam engine.” —Joe Mande
“It’s a thrill to be in New York. But I’m frazzled to the point where things are a little tweaky. I didn’t get much sleep. I’d flown in yesterday, and I had this very weird, genuine New York moment. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. There was a guy on the elevator with me. Looked exactly like Spalding Gray. And my first thought was not, He committed suicide years ago. It was like, You pulled it off. My lips are sealed, bro. Looking forward to the show.” —Marc Maron
“New York’s such a wonderful city. Although, I was at the library today. The guy was very rude. I said, ‘I’d like a card.’ He said, ‘You have to prove you’re a citizen of New York.’ So I stabbed him.” —Emo Philips
“There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that it’s impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. Think about that, that’s true. ‘Cause you can hear anything, at any hour — there’s always something to blame it on.” —Pete Holmes
“Even if you like New York, you’ll admit it’s not a nice place. It does things to a person. My uncle — ten years ago, this guy was a prominent judge in Manhattan; now he’s a wino living in Central Park. But out of respect, people still say, ‘May I approach the bench?’ And that’s sweet.” —Jonathan Katz
“When you’re in Manhattan, you don’t get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. ‘He’s driving fast and recklessly, but he’s a professional. He’s got a cab-driver’s license, I can see it right there.’ I don’t know what you need to get a cab-driver’s license. I think all you need is a face. This seems to be their big qualification. No blank heads are allowed to drive a cab in this town.” —Jerry Seinfeld
“New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.” —David Letterman
“New York is a sucked orange.” —Ralph Waldo Emerson
“My love life is terrible. The last time I was inside a woman was when I visited the Statue of Liberty.” —Woody Allen
“I love giving tourists directions. That’s one of my favorite things to do. I’ll sometimes offer directions when people don’t even ask me. I saw these two women who were clearly lost, and I walk up and go, ‘You need help finding something?’ She looks up and goes, ‘Oh no, we prefer to find it ourselves.’ Isn’t that a weird preference? ‘Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. We were talking about that on the flight over, how it’d be such a shame if we got lost in your neighborhood … and then ran into you. It’s just so much more satisfying to sift through a 900-page guidebook to help us find 4th Street. When we’re standing on 4th Street.’” —Todd Barry
“I was on the train. I made eye contact with this woman. The train stopped, and she got off and moved to another car. Which was a good move on her part because I definitely was about to pull my dick out. So, great intuition, random lady on the train! Good call. But’s it’s my move now; I got legs, too. What’s up? Not gonna foil my creepy plans that easily! I’m dedicated to this.” —Hannibal Buress
“Derek Jeter, to play in the All-Star Game, he got a million votes. That’s a lot of votes. To put that into perspective for you, that’s twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. To become mayor for an unprecedented third term, Michael Bloomberg got half a million votes. There are over 8 million people in this city. There’s a saying that there are 8 million stories in this city. Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didn’t vote for mayor. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. The end.” —Wyatt Cenac
“In New York, you are constantly faced with this very urgent, quick decision that you have to make about every 20 minutes. And it doesn’t matter where you are — indoors, outdoors, fuckin’ in a park, in a museum, in a restaurant … About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go, [gasp] ‘Oh my God. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Look at her; she’s fucking beautiful! But look at him, he’s wearing orange footie pajamas and he’s got tinfoil on his head and he’s playing a Casio!’” —David Cross
“They’ve got homeless guys everywhere you look. It breaks your heart. I saw one guy the other day in New York, a homeless guy; he had a dog with him. And that’s tough. You feel sorry … for the dog. You know? I mean, the dog’s not thrilled with the deal. He’s got a homeless guy. He’s going, ‘Hey, I can do this by myself; I don’t need a goddamn’ … It’s like the longest walk in the world for the dog.” —Norm Macdonald
“I went to Coney Island recently. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. The single most terrifying experience of my life. And I’m from fucking Pakistan. I had like bruises everywhere. It’s like I paid a guy. Like, ‘Here’s a bunch of money … just kind of punch me all over.’ And then, when I got off, I found out that the Cyclone is the oldest functional roller-coaster in the world. Wish I’d known that before I risked my life. Do you know what year the Cyclone was made in? The Cyclone was made in the year 1927. They should change the name of that ride to 1927. ’Cause that fact is way scarier than cyclones. Or hurricanes.” —Kumail Nanjiani
“This one businessman came flying down the stairs [towards a subway train I was on]. As he ran towards me, the doors started slowly coming together. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. I could see him thinking, I can’t do what I normally do, which is stick out my hand and stop these doors, as I’ve got these bags. He just stuck out his head, and the doors closed on his neck. Now, he wasn’t hurt. Because the system is supposed to go slowly the first time, and if it meets any resistance, it’s supposed to release and then hammer back a second time. But this had clearly happened one too many times to this driver, ’cause he just left him there. This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. You’ve never seen anyone de-age so fast in your life. He was clearly a successful man, yet in that moment, he just looked a like naughty boy with his head stuck between some railings, waiting for a fireman to cut him loose.” —John Oliver
“Everybody in New York has lost their minds. Even when they try to be nice, they just can’t. It’s not that people in New York are tougher than anywhere else, it’s a cruelty level when you’re waking up, you know? When you’re growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. You can always tell who’s raised in New York by how they take a compliment when they’re an adult. You know, like, ‘Hey, nice haircut.’ ‘Screw you; what’s wrong with it?’” —Colin Quinn
“I’ve lived in New York City way too long. I realized this ’cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and I’m like, ‘Oh great, here comes some frickin’ guy pretending he’s a cat.’ And I turned around, and it was a cat. In a bag. That’s what New York City’s done to me. I’m like, ‘Cat noise? Can’t be the animal that makes that noise. It’s gotta be some weird cat guy.’ Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers.” —Dan St. Germain
“For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy.” ―Evelyn Waugh
“There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe.” ―Elbert Hubbard
“New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire.” ―Henry James
“If you live in New York, even if you’re Catholic, you’re Jewish.” ―Lenny Bruce
“It’ll be a great place if they ever finish it.” ―O. Henry
“New York makes one think of the collapse of civilization, about Sodom and Gomorrah, the end of the world. The end wouldn’t come as a surprise here. Many people already bank on it.” ―Saul Bellow
“New York, like London, seems to be a cloacina [toilet] of all the depravities of human nature.” ―Thomas Jefferson
“New Yorkers realize it’s a filthy hole.” ―The Onion
“I was in Vegas recently, and I met this dude and he was like, ‘Where are you from?’ and I said, ‘New York City’ He’s like, ‘Aw, man. I could never live there. It’s so dirty and smelly. It’s the worst. It’s great that you’re able to do it.’ … Why do people feel comfortable to do that in that situation? You would never do that in another situation. If you just met someone, you would never say, ‘Oh, yeah, this is your wife? I could never be married to her. No, she’s too fat and disgusting. It’s great that you’re able to do it.’” ―Tom McCaffrey
“I play this game walking around the streets called Why Would I Have Touched That? So fun. You guys gotta do it if you’re ever there. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, that’s so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that it’s far more moist than you thought it would be.” ―Ari Shaffir
“Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.” ―David Letterman
“People say New Yorkers can’t get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.” ―David Letterman
“New York … when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.” ―David Letterman
“I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Really looking at yourself and going, ‘Yeah, I’m not cool enough for the West Village.’” ―Tina Fey
“I never used to go to the beach ‘cause I come from Brooklyn, we only had Coney Island, which was an awful beach, though there was rumors during the war that enemy submarines, German subs, came into the bathing area at Coney Island, and they were destroyed by the pollution.” ―Woody Allen
“I live in New York City. I got a roommate to save money. But, see, I fucked up ’cause I’m 31 and I’m too old for a roommate. I fucked up severely … My roommate says, ‘I need to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?’ It’s like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.” ―Mitch Hedberg
“I love New York. It’s the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, they’ll eventually spit.” ―Caroline Rhea
“One day there was four innocent people shot. That’s the best shooting ever done in this town. Hard to find four innocent people in New York.” ―Will Rogers
“Everywhere outside New York City is Bridgeport, Connecticut.” ―Fred Allen
“People tell me, ‘Hey, if you quit smoking, you’ll get your sense of smell back.’ I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I don’t want my fucking sense of smell back.” ―Bill Hicks
“You white folks see UFOs in your dreams. You don’t hear about Martians in Harlem.” ―Paul Mooney
“You ever sit on the train, and the conductor comes over the loudspeaker and says, ‘This train is being held at the station.’ And you just sit there, and you’re like, ‘God, I wonder what it’s like to be held?’ Because you’re so lonely.” ―Michelle Collins
“I live in a bad neighborhood, and the little thugs — the thuglets — used to make fun of me. They’d say, ‘There goes Obama! There goes Obama!’ And I’d let them have their laughs because when the condos come in, they have to leave. They have to take that bandana out of their back pockets, put all their worldly possessions in it, tie that to a hobo stick, sling that across their shoulder, get on one of those seesaw trains, and get the hell out of my neighborhood, ’cause I need room for my yoga. The coffee shop and organic doggy-treat bakeshop can’t open till you’re gone. Holler! ―Jordan Carlos
“I like the ad on the subway: ‘If you see something, say something.’ It’s a lot better than their old ad: ‘If you see something, pee on it.’” ―Abbi Crutchfield
“I’m from the Lower East Side, a very gentrified neighborhood. In case you don’t know what gentrified means, it’s when a bunch of white people move to a fucked-up neighborhood and open up cupcake stores everywhere. Things change, even at the bodega. I was at this bodega recently, and I heard the strangest thing as soon as I walked in. Two dudes, and one dude said to the other, ‘Nah, son, get the Fiji! Evian is gross!’” ―Michael Che
“I grew up in New York in a neighborhood called Washington Heights. It’s not really a ghetto, it’s a ghetto suburb. Slums with trees. Even the birds are junkies. The birds don’t know how to fly, they just fall out of trees and bother people. ‘Tweet, tweet sucker. Give me a quarter.’” ―Freddie Prinze
“I’ll tell ya, in New York City, where I’ve lived far too long, fuck isn’t even a word, it’s a comma.” ―Lewis Black
“I like New York. This is the only city where you actually have to say things like, ‘Hey, that’s mine. Don’t pee on that.’” ―Louis CK
“I think that’s how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, ‘Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.’” ―Richard Jeni
“In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.” ―Richard Jeni
“I was in New York last Christmas ― it’s snowing; there’s a guy in a T-shirt. I’m like, ‘Dude, aren’t you cold?’ ‘No, I’m from New York. I don’t get cold.’ Just ‘cause you’re from a cold place doesn’t mean you’re genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. You’re not a penguin. I was like, ‘In fact, sir, you’re Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.’” ―Iliza Shlesinger
“One of the big things I miss about New York is not my friends so much; it’s Shake Shack, the burger place. I miss Shake Shack.” ―Aziz Ansari
“New York: the only city where people make radio requests like, ‘This Is for Tina. I’m sorry I stabbed you.’” ―Carol Liefer
“Brooklyn is changing. Now there’s a store that just sells mayonnaise … It is probably the most cartoonish, stereotypical image of gentrification I have ever seen. It is downright racist to white people. ‘Oh, this is your neighborhood now? You’d love a mayonnaise store.’ Sometimes I want to hang outside of there with fried chicken and watermelon, wait for people to come out, and be like, ‘I dare you to say something.’” ―Wyatt Cenac
“Relationships are hard in NYC. I was walking home at 3 a.m., and a homeless man on a pay phone yells, ‘Hey, you wanna come talk to my father?!’ I thought, This is probably how I die, but also, how nice of him to want to introduce me to his family.” ―Charla Lauriston
“I live in New York, where in my neighborhood, a lot of dudes have handlebar mustaches. Which is cool if you want to have a handlebar mustache, but don’t try to have a conversation with me like you don’t have a handlebar mustache. Try to talk about regular stuff, like music and politics? Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and that’s it. Talk about kazoos for a few minutes, then you hop on your unicycle and juggle, you carnival-faced motherfucker.” ―Hannibal Buress
“Fuck you, and fuck the Yankees! They bought their team, they spent the most money, they’re supposed to win … If you’re going to be some fucking bloat-headed alcoholic, drinking overpriced beer in the stands and paying too much money for parking, have some character, pick an underdog. The Yankees are supposed to win. So for you to be a dildo, arrogant fan on top of that? That’s like going to a casino and routing for the house.” ―Doug Stanhope
“It’s tough finding a good bar to go to in New York sometimes. That’s why I love karaoke so much ― it takes all the music I find annoying AND all the people I find annoying, and keeps it in one place I can easily avoid.” ―Aziz Ansari
“I always wanted to live in New York when I was a kid. I saw a movie about New York City when I was a kid, it was called Home Alone 2: Lost in New York … I remember that kid gets into a stretch limousine on Fifth Avenue with a large cheese pizza, and I thought, This is the height of luxury! Now I live in New York, and I’m psyched, but that is a stupid movie title. Lost in New York? The streets are numbered! How’d you get lost in New York? I know it’s kind of stupid to complain about a movie that came out 17 years ago, but I wasn’t a comedian back then. So I have to do it now. I wish I’d been. I wish I’d been a Def Jam comic when that movie came out. I would have torn it to pieces. It would be like, ‘You seen this shit? You seen this Home Alone 2: Lost in New York shit? It’s a grid system, motherfucker! Where you at, 24th and Fifth? Where you wanna go, 35th and Sixth? Eleven up and one over, you simple bitch.’” ―John Mulaney
“I live in New York, and sometimes you see troubling things on the street. Years ago, I was walking down the street, and a homeless guy came up to me, and he pushed me in the chest, and then he said these things in this order: ‘Excuse me, I am homeless, I am gay, I have AIDS, I’m new in town …’ You’re gonna close with ‘new in town’? That is not the most dramatic thing that you just said. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, ‘You had me at AIDS.’ Here’s how I would have ordered those things. I would have said, ‘Excuse me, I’m new in town, and it gets worse.’” ―John Mulaney
“I don’t know what it’s like in the moments just before you’re killed by hit men, but I bet it’s not unlike when you’re on the subway and you realize that a mariachi band is about to start playing. Just that brief moment where you’re reading and you’re like, ‘Oh, a guitar player. Oh, another guitar player. Oh, an accordion player — OHH NNNOOOOO!’” ―John Mulaney
“The New York Post is my favorite newspaper. Reading the New York Post is like talking to someone who heard the news, and now they’re trying to give you the gist. It’s like, you’d get the same amount of information if you grabbed someone on the street and you were like, ‘What happened today?’ and they’re like, ‘There’s a perv in Queens!’ You’d be like, ‘All right, thank you.’ Or, rather, it’s like someone read a better newspaper, and now they’re trying to text you everything they can remember. Doesn’t have to be right, just has to be short. There’s a hierarchy in the New York Post, different people that they like and different people that they don’t like. The No. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. An angel is a child who has died. The less amount of time you live, the better … in the eyes of the Post. Under an angel is a hero. A hero is any man who does his job. You’ll a lot of times see headlines that are like, ‘Hero Tutor Teaches After School,’ and you’re like, ‘Yeah.’ Down towards the bottom of the spectrum, there are pervs. Pervs touch tots; tots are angels who haven’t died yet. There are no children in the eyes of the New York Post. You’re either a tot or you’re dead and you’re an angel. Above perv is a bozo. A bozo is any man who cheats on his wife. I remember seeing a headline when Tiger Woods cheated on his wife, and it says, ‘Tiger says he’s sorry, but Elin says, ‘Beat it, bozo!’ No, she did not. She is from another country. And even if she was from this country, no one has said ‘bozo’ in 1,000 years. Who was your source on that, New York Post? Some tiny old lady that chain-smokes all day long? They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, ‘Madge, give us the scoop! What did Elin say to Tiger?’ ‘Eh, she told him to beat it, bozo.’” —John Mulaney
“New York is very rough. They write theses on ‘What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation.’” —Joan Rivers
“[New York] is all sex and violence. You can get your purse snatched and your rear end pinched simultaneously.” —Joan Rivers
“This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, ‘Where are you from?’ So I told him, ‘I’m from Queens, New York.’ And he’s like, ‘No, where are you really from?’ For those of you who don’t know, that’s code for Why aren’t you white?” —Hari Kondabolu
“I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet.” —Al McGuire
“I’ve now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones … unfortunately, it’s a lowercase L.” —Rita Rudner
“The Jews celebrate Passover by eating unpalatable food to remind them what will happen to their people if they ever leave New York City.” —Jon Stewart
“New York is the only place where if you have talent and you believe in yourself, and you show people what you can do, then someday, maybe — just maybe — you could get shoved in front of a moving subway train.” —Dave Barry
“In Manhattan, every flat surface is a potential stage, and every inattentive waiter an unemployed, and possibly unemployable, actor.” —Quentin Crisp
“I saw a license plate that said ‘I Miss New York,’ so I smashed their windows and stole their radio.” —Craig Anton
“No matter how many times I visit this great city, I’m always struck by the same thing: a yellow taxicab.” —Scott Adams
“I live in Los Angeles. It’s a very liberal city, but it’s so hypocritical in what it’s liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: ‘Hey, is that real fur?’ ‘Of course not! That’s sick!’” —Dana Gould
“I was driving in Manhattan. There’s traffic, nobody’s moving … The guy behind me is honking just at me. He kept yelling at me. I decided that I’m gonna argue with this guy, but I’m gonna argue about something else. I’m not having his argument; I’m having mine. So he’s like, ‘Go!’ And I go, ‘Well, give me back my jacket!’ And he stopped. I was like, ‘Yeah, you got my jacket! Give it back! I said you could borrow it, not have it! You’re stretching it out, you fat pig! Give it back now!’ He got back in his car and he locked his doors.” —Louis C.K.
“Racist topics make me nervous. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends I’m hopping the N train.” —Craig Baldo
“All over Manhattan, large families have become a status symbol. Four beautiful children named after kings and pieces of fruit are a way of saying, ‘I can afford a four-bedroom apartment and $150,000 in elementary-school tuition fees each year. How you livin’?’” —Tiny Fey
“I live in Brooklyn, but not Williamsburg. I auditioned to live in Williamsburg but didn’t get a callback.” —Ophira Eisenberg
“I’m fat in all the wrong places. Like Soho.” —Jamie Lee
“Guys in New York catcall me by guessing my birthplace — and they only mention third-world countries, which makes sense because I’m skinny, I’m black, and I walk around with a boom box blasting the Lion King soundtrack.” —Phoebe Robinson
“I went on a Statue of Liberty boat tour. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America.” —Ryan Hamilton
LOS ANGELES JOKES
“I’ve got to tell you, that’s a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport.” —Jimmy Pardo
“If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist.” —H.L. Mencken
“Moving from Los Angeles to Petaluma is the best thing I ever did. I like having neighbors who aren’t writing screenplays.” —Rick Reynolds
“I do love America. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, it’s like half an hour on the plane.” ―Craig Ferguson
“Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city.” —Alexander Wolcott
“Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel.” —Fran Lebowitz
“You know, you’re really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door.” —Steve Martin
“I love Los Angeles. I love Hollywood. They’re beautiful. Everybody’s plastic, but I love plastic. I want to be plastic.” —Andy Warhol
“I mean, who would want to live in a place where the only cultural advantage is that you can turn right on a red light?” —Woody Allen and Marshall Brickman
“Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.” —David Letterman
“In Los Angeles, by the time you’re 35, you’re older than most of the buildings.” —Delia Ephron
“It’s so crowded in Los Angeles these days … if you get a sunburn, you have to go to Glendale to peel.” —Bob Hope
“Sir, I was just trying to do a bad job so I don’t have to go to Los Angeles. Everyone there smiles creepily all the time, and that’s sort of my thing.” —Kenneth the Page, 30 Rock
“I don’t like L.A. There’s a reason I couldn’t wait to leave. But the best/worst/best again part of Hollywood is the nonstop parade of delusion you get to see … Right now there are a million people in Hollywood who are all going to make it.” —David Cross
“I love Los Angeles. It reinvents itself every two days.” —Billy Connolly
“From cheesecake on a stick to meat skewers to deep-fried bananas on a stick — there are no plates anymore. In Los Angeles, everything has become a corn dog. Actually, corn dogs still work. But most other food should be stickless.” —Steve Carell
“The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don’t go anywhere, but you still get paid.” —Daniel Tosh
“You know, it’s important to have a Jeep in Los Angeles. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive.” —Christopher Guest
“Thank God we’re back in Hollywood. Where people treat each other right.” —The Simpsons
“The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. They export all of these items with the twin exceptions of muscle tone and points, neither of which seem to travel well.” —Fran Lebowitz
“I have a theory about L.A. architecture. I think all the houses had a costume party and they all came as other countries.” —Michael O’Donoghue
“Seventy-two suburbs in search of a city.” —Dorothy Parker
“In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.” —Groucho Marx
“In Hollywood, a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.” —Rita Rudner
“Being a writer in Hollywood is like going into Hitler’s Eagle’s Nest with a great idea for a bar mitzvah.” —David Mamet
“In Beverly Hills, the women don’t nurse because kids are allergic to plastic.” —Joan Rivers
“Being a screenwriter in Hollywood is like being a eunuch at an orgy. Worse, actually; at least the eunuch is allowed to watch.” —Albert Brooks
“Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: ‘The Ferrari is paid for,’ ‘The mortgage is assumable,’ and ‘It’s just a cold sore!’” —Milton Berle
“California is a fine place to live — if you happen to be an orange.” —Fred Allen
“Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.” —Fred Allen
“You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a fruit fly, and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer’s heart.” —Fred Allen
“There’s only five real people in Hollywood. Everyone else is Mel Blanc.” —Jack Benny
“If God doesn’t destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.” —Jay Leno
“My arms register as legs there. They’re just, ‘Is that an octopus? I don’t understand …’ And my legs register as firewood. They’re just like, ‘Why is the BFG on Sunset?’” —Amy Schumer
“The stupidest thing is to assume Latinos are all from Mexico. ‘What part of Mexico are your ancestors from?’ Los Angeles, bitch!” —George Lopez
“Near my house in Los Angeles is a waterfall. I love to take the wife and kids, but it’s also near a sketchy neighborhood. So there’s a lot of gang members that hang out at the waterfall. It’s like somebody took an Ansel Adams photo and then put a Cypress Hill video inside it.” —Al Madrigal
“If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.” —Richard Jeni
“You can’t smoke in a restaurant in Los Angeles, which is mildly ironic when you consider the fact that you can’t breathe outside a restaurant in Los Angeles.” —Greg Proops
“Hollywood is like Picasso’s bathroom.” —Candice Bergen
“I have been asked if I ever get the DTs; I don’t know, it’s hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the DTs begin.” —W.C. Fields
“Living in L.A. adds ten years to a man’s life. And that ten years, I’d like to spend in New York.” —Harry Ruby
“Gluten-free pizza elicits the same response at a Hollywood party that a pile of cocaine did in the ’80s.” —Natasha Leggero
“Everyone’s into health in Beverly Hills. You’re not considered legally dead until you lose your tan.” —Joan Rivers
“L.A. is nothing but a bunch of driving, and I hate all that damn driving ‘cause it interferes with my drinking.” —Wanda Sykes
“Hollywood is where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.” —Walter Winchell
“Drug Kingpin Amado Fuentes died from nine hours of liposuction and plastic surgery — or, as it’s commonly known here in Beverly Hills, natural causes.” —Bill Maher
“L.A. is so celebrity-conscious, there’s a restaurant that only serves Jack Nicholson — and when he shows up, they tell him there’ll be a ten-minute wait.” —Bill Maher
“L.A. I love it. Everybody’s a superstar. A guy will tell you, ‘Yeah, I’m a producer.’ And he’s driving a cab.” —Freddie Prinze
“I like living in L.A. One thing I don’t like about living here is driving. I always get bored when I’m driving, and when I get bored, I go on the internet on my Blackberry. So I’m gonna die! And whenever they go through the wreckage, they’ll find my phone and be like, ‘Whoa, that’s what he looked up right before he died?’ Gonna be so sad. It’ll be like: Comedian Aziz Ansari was killed in a car accident today. He was struck by another vehicle while using IMDb to see if Val Kilmer was indeed in the film Willow. A representative for Mr. Kilmer confirmed he was indeed in the film, and hopes this will prevent future tragedies of this nature. This is the third Willow-related death this year.” —Aziz Ansari
“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.” —Craig Ferguson
“You don’t really drive in cabs in L.A. unless you’re broke or homeless — or if you’re broke and driving the cab.” —Jay Mohr
“Beverly Hills is very exclusive. For instance, their fire department won’t make house calls.” —Mort Sahl
“Homeless people in L.A. are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, ‘Will work for food,’ some of them have what they want: ‘baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet-potato pie, sour chives.’” —A.J. Jamal
“They just tested the tap water in Los Angeles, and they found traces of estrogen and antidepressants in the tap water. So it’s nice to know that my son is going to grow up and some day have huge breasts, but it’s not really going to bother him that much.” —Greg Fitzsimmons
“I spent $700,000 on a house in L.A. at the height of the housing market. Out-of-towners come to L.A. and rub it in my face.’Hey, man, you know what you could buy for $700,000 in Alabama? Alabama! The whole thing.’” —Al Madrigal
COMPARING
“In L.A., rich people live with rich people and poor people live with poor people. In New York, that’s from building to building. Like, I asked my friend, I said, ‘Man, what’s a good building?’ He said, ‘A good building, you got a doorman. A bad building, you just got a man in a door.’” —D.L. Hughley
“When it’s 100 degrees in New York, it’s 72 in Los Angeles. When it’s 30 degrees in New York, in Los Angeles, it’s still 72. However, there are 6 million interesting people in New York, and only 72 in Los Angeles.” ―Neil Simon
“Los Angeles is just New York lying down.” —Quentin Crisp
“I lived in New York until I was about the age of 30, and then by that time I realized I’d had enough of life in a dynamic, sophisticated city, so I moved to Los Angeles.” —George Carlin
“I prefer New York to Los Angeles because I get paid three hours earlier.” —Henny Youngman
“The women in California, they get scared. A guy flashes you, they go to the police, ‘He’s flashing! He’s flashing!’ In New York, a guy flashes you, you took your embroidery hoop and played ring toss.” —Joan Rivers
“California is a small woman saying ‘fuck me.’ New York is a large man saying ‘fuck you!’” —George Carlin
This week Vulture is running a series of stories about the comedy produced in, and inspired by, New York and Los Angeles. Today, we give you jokes about those cities. Lots of jokes.
There are, as you may have noticed, a lot of jokes about flying. That’s because comedians spend a lot of time flying between gigs. Similarly, there are a lot of jokes about New York and Los Angeles, since for as long as comedy has been split between those two poles, comedians have had to decide between them.
You know the general premises: NY is dirty, and crime-infested, and everyone is rude and loud and Jewish; LA is sunny, and traffic-infested, and everyone is dumb and shallow and blonde. And they are all true! Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. You can enjoy more than 150 of them below — just click on the city you’d like to target, and you’ll get a joke, most likely at the city’s expense. Enjoy!
