The Real Housewives of Atlanta
Hey guys! Phoebe will be back next week, but I’m here to break down tonight’s supersized episode. Let’s get started!
Porsha is getting ready for the group trip to Jamaica, so she has a stylist come by to help her prepare her island looks. She tries on a few outfits and looks amazing. She also tries on a Jamaican accent. It is not amazing.
Cynthia and Peter are pretty excited for the trip. Now that Cynthia and NeNe have mended their friendship, Cynthia invites her along to Jamaica to surprise the rest of the women. Fun! And Cynthia also makes the smart decision to hire Kim for her commercial. (Good.) But she hasn’t told Kenya yet. (Not good.) Peter thinks Kenya won’t be pleased, but Cynthia insists that she’ll be fine. If you know anything about reality television, you know this means that Kenya will not be fine.
Kim is excited to film Cynthia’s commercial. But, wait. Did I hear her right? Did she just say she is bringing her children on the couples’ trip? To Jamaica? Where she has a professional obligation? Ugh. Kim’s relationship with her children is odd. It’s almost as if she’s using them as a shield against the other ladies. Any time she starts feeling uncomfortable, the kids give her a safe out. It’s like she gave birth to security blankets.
The women all arrive at the airport. Porsha and Phaedra are solo. Kenya brings her most recent hire, Matt the trainer, to play boyfriend for a few weeks. Sheree brings her ex-husband, Bob Whitfield, which is a huge shock. Bob and Sheree hate each other! One time, she hired Phaedra to sue him for child support. Another time, they even went on Iyanla, Fix My Life to work out their issues — and there was no fixing to be had! This development is pretty crazy.
The group lands in Jamaica and hops on a shuttle bus to the resort. Shuttle bus rides have been the setting for many a fight in the past, but this one is relatively calm. Bob explains how he and Sheree reunited, including how he used his “bad eye” to seduce her. How sweet. Matt, finding inspiration in Bob’s attempts at courtship, overperforms his attraction to Kenya. Eyeroll. Phaedra, suddenly remembering that shuttle bus rides are an awesome place to start a fight, asks Cynthia about her commercial. Cynthia announces that she has chosen Kim as the director, and is forced to unceremoniously dump Kenya in front of everyone on the bus. Cynthia offers Kenya the chance to participate in a different capacity, but Kenya isn’t humored by this consolation prize.
The group finally arrives at the resort, and the suites are amazing. Kim is a little too excited about the bathtubs. Bob is already trying to jump Sheree’s bones. And Cynthia, a.k.a. Human Plot Device, insists upon getting Kenya and Kim together to discuss the commercial. What is there left to discuss? Kim will be filming. Kenya won’t. The end.
Cynthia and Kim sit down at one of the outdoor restaurants at the resort to discuss the commercial. Kim has figured out a way to cut the budget, and Cynthia has figured out a way push the Real Housewives producers’ agenda of forcing Kim and Kenya to work together or fight. Kenya arrives, and she is immediately awful. She’s offended she wasn’t given an opportunity to pitch after she missed the first pitch meeting. To recap: Kenya, who didn’t even have the courtesy to call Cynthia ahead of time and cancel, chastises Cynthia’s lack of respect and professionalism. Kenya then shifts her focus to Kim, insisting that she’s trying to alienate her from her friends. Kenya, no. You blew your friend off so you could meet and negotiate terms with your fake boyfriend. Cynthia kept it moving. Stop playing the victim.
And then, Kenya gets really nasty. After some back and forth with Kim about the rules of directing and co-directing, Kenya very rudely asks, “How many commercials have you done, Kim?” Kim tries to avoid getting into a battle of credentials, but Kenya won’t let up: “Well, because you probably haven’t done any!” There are lame Facts of Life jokes, and Kim tells Kenya no one likes her — she is correct, for the record — and then Kim announces that she wants to leave. So, Kenya walks over and pulls Kim’s chair out while she’s still sitting in it! Kim uses all the strength she has in her wig to not slap the mess out of Kenya. Not wanting to lose her cool, she instead walks toward her room, with a yelling Kenya in pursuit. When Kim is finally gone, Kenya keeps pressing Cynthia about her credentials, entirely unashamed of how childish she’s acting. Get a grip.
Back at the hotel, sexy singles Porsha and Phaedra are getting ready for the group dinner. The women have definitely noticed that Kim brings her children everywhere, and have some questions. Why didn’t the children stay home with the nanny? Why would you take them out of school for a week to bring them on a couple’s vacation? Whatever happened to truancy laws? Good questions, ladies. We’d all like some answers.
Kim enters her suite, where she gives her husband, Christopher, the rundown on her argument with Kenya. “I’m somebody’s mother. I’m somebody’s wife. I’m a brand,” she says. This kind of fighting is beneath her, but there’s some anger she needs to get out, so she vents to her husband. Her rant sounds like Diana Ross doing an impression of Robert De Niro’s Taxi Driver monologue. I wish she’d let herself get mad more often. Christopher reminds Kim how dope she is, and gets super fired up. Christopher is the best hype man ever.
Cynthia and Peter stop by NeNe and Gregg’s suite, where Cynthia recounts the episode with Kim and Kenya. Disgusted by Kenya’s display, she replaces Kenya with NeNe in the commercial (and also in real life).
Kenya is in her suite with Matt, and she’s debating if she wants to go to the group dinner. Matt insists that they go, probably because he has 50 hours of camera time written into his boyfriend contract. Kenya relents, but she is completely over Kim. She thinks that Kim has a vendetta against her. Kim has been passive aggressive with Kenya for seemingly no reason in the past, but this time her anger is warranted. Kenya was all kinds of crazy.
The gang shows up to dinner, but hosts Peter and Cynthia are nowhere to be found. When they finally arrive, they have NeNe and Gregg in tow. Kenya is NOT pleased.
NeNe makes her rounds, and she and Sheree have a surprisingly warm reunion. When they hug, I get flashbacks to season one, when NeNe and Sheree were a super-fun duo. Remember that? It was long before Sheree’s quixotic plans to build Chateau Sheree and NeNe started cashing Trump checks.
Peter, a.k.a. Mr. Human Plot Device, brings up the commercial in front of everybody. Kenya absolutely doesn’t want to talk about it again. Kim tries to explain her side of the story, and halfway through her retelling, Kenya rudely leaves the table. Kim’s hype-man husband defends his wife some more and shades Kenya. NeNe, armed with the misinformation that Cynthia gave her at their reunion some weeks ago, announces that Kenya and Cynthia are not BFFs. Porsha and the other women know otherwise. NeNe presses Cynthia, who denies Kenya three times like Peter did Jesus before the cock crowed. Cynthia is so lame. Sensing that Cynthia has no backbone, Kim’s hype man tries to empower Cynthia to set strong boundaries with Kenya in an adult manner. LOL. This is the Real Housewives of Atlanta. Adult conversations that will quickly resolve an issue ain’t gonna happen, love.
The next morning, we get quick cuts of Porsha being gorgeous, Peter smacking Cynthia’s donkey booty, and Matt feeding Kenya while delivering lines that sound like they came from a cheesy Skinemax flick. Sheree arrives at NeNe’s suite and they get to chatting. They squash their beef, and cement the reconciliation by trash-talking their newer friends. NeNe thinks Porsha and Phaedra are being shady about NeNe’s arrival, but when we cut to Porsha and Phaedra, they’re more shocked about Cynthia’s denial of Kenya. They aren’t super concerned with those women, though. Porsha’s Miami boo, Oliver, might be coming to Jamaica. She’s trying to get her grown sexy woman on.
Back at their suite, Peter surprises Cynthia with a visit from her sister, Mallory. Peter is really working overtime to make up for his cheating! Inviting the woman who hid your wedding certificate during your wedding to an island vacation with your wife is as brave and stupid a thing I can think of.
Sheree stops by Kenya’s suite to sneak in some early morning pot stirring. Kenya chooses to forget the last three seasons of this show, and says that she doesn’t understand why NeNe doesn’t like her. Sheree asks Kenya if she’s best friends with Cynthia. Kenya says they’re close. Gleefully, Sheree tells Kenya that Cynthia’s been playing Kenya out, and Kenya is pissed.
Kenya goes to confront Cynthia. Kenya tries to articulate that she’s hurt to see Cynthia downplay their relationship. Cynthia lies about denying Kenya, and Cynthia coldly cuts Kenya off. She has to get ready to shoot the commercial, and NeNe will get to star as the woman Cynthia likes wayyy too much.
So, what did you think of this week’s extra-long episode? Do you feel bad for Kenya? Is NeNe too possessive? Sound off in the comments!