Well, hello, America. I didn't expect to see you here … in Potomac. To be honest, I didn't expect to see myself in Potomac because no one is entirely sure where Potomac is. It looks warm, so it might be summer here. Those silk Capri pajamas Charrisse is wearing look awfully summery.
Regardless of where we are and how we got there — ahem, Uber BLACK — it's time to dive into Real Housewives of Potomac.
We're really stretching the definitions of reality and television here in Potomac. Maybe Potomac is a Native American word that means "producer manipulation." Between the impromptu pajama party held by grown-ass women and a flight lesson in six-inch heels, it doesn't seem like the titular housewives have a lot to do.
But don't even think about insinuating that I don't love each and every one of them and their parade of cocktail dresses and gowns. I love them all very much.
Karen's youngest child is heading off to college, and she wants to find a hobby. Instead of picking up mall walking, she decides on taking to the skies. So Karen is at flight school — not to take a lesson but to find the hottest instructor. Karen gets me. She also squeals in delight at the idea of a "girl flight instructor." Imagine that! Ladies teaching people how to fly planes! Fiddle dee dee! My weary head can't take the delightful whimsy of female pilotry!
Karen also prayed over a bottle of water, then splashed it all over to bless the plane. I have some relatives who would do that.
Everyone is very worried about Ashley. In another life, Ashley would be dating Hakeem on Empire, but here she is married to some white man twice her age and traipsing around playgrounds in lace midi-dresses. Hmmm … a lace midi-dress is definitely a warm-weather item. We're closer to pinning down the climate of Potomac.
Ashley is at a crossroads. She's about to turn 27, a pivotal year in a woman's life. I just turned 27 myself, and since that birthday, I bought a new pair of black ankle booties. That's a tentpole item in a wardrobe. I'm getting my life together. Pivotal year for me and Ashley.
Ashley is having a kitty-themed birthday party.
Ashley has decided that this is the year she's going to have children, so she heads to the playground to hang out with Katie and her 11 kids. Katie's children can sense when someone is pandering to them, and they kick and scream until Ashley puts them down.
Ashley isn't just there to test-drive some babies, though. She wants to invite Katie to her party and let her know that she Googled their "friends" and found out something unsavory. Everyone knows that Robyn is single, but who knew that Robyn has $25 in her bank account? Well, now everyone does. Ashley ponders if that's why Robyn has been so standoffish. Because Bank of America won't stop sending her those low-balance alerts.
Next up is Charrisse. My heart actually goes out to Charrisse because she seems to be the only one actually going through an emotional anything. Katie is worried that her old boyfriend won't like a door she put up in the house, and, meanwhile, Charrisse is contemplating a divorce. Perspective, RHOP. Manufacture something better for literally anyone else to do.
Gizelle goes to see her ex-husband, Jamal, who has been a key player in the fight for justice for Freddie Gray. Jamal has ties with very loud prints but seems like a nice man. Gizelle starts talking about how there's NO WAY she would EVER get back together with Jamal, and if she wanted to, he'd already be there.
Girl. This is not a good look.
Even if you don't want to get back together with your ex, it's not as fabulous as you think to sit around in an extravagant gown bragging about how you could get him back. Next time you're in an extravagant gown, maybe go for fro-yo and demand a superfluous amount of sample cups.
At the last minute, the instructors change Karen's plane to one that wasn't sprinkled with divine Dasani. She's delighted she got a hot pilot, though; if she's going to die, she's going down with some eye candy. It's the same reason I'm demanding a poster of Idris Elba be placed at my bedside during my final moments.
Katie's big plotline this episode is that her boyfriend went on vacation and she installed a door for her nanny and created a Mrs. Room, a concept that was never explained, nor have I seen it before on HGTV. Katie also loves that her nanny, May, is a lesbian. She looooooves it. Combined with her confession that she's had some same-sex encounters in her youth, this makes me hope for some trysts with May while Andrew is away. Andrew comes home. He's not crazy about the room, and Katie just bangs him until he forgets she remodeled.
Charrisse is in the aforementioned silk pajamas and invites her friends over for a totally casual gab session. Gizelle and Katie ding-dong-ditch Charrisse because everyone here is totally casual and fun. We're friends having fun.
Charrisse cries in front of her friends about her husband coaching Rutgers too much, and Katie tells everyone that Ashley Googled all of them. Apparently, that's not okay. Ashley also told Katie that Old-Ass Michael has a big penis, and apparently, that's not okay.
If you're dating someone with a big penis, you tell everyone because good for you.
Ashley stops by L2, where she's having her party. She met Michael there when she was a bartender and he owned the place … okay, this is all coming into focus now, considering how Yelp reviews say, "The scene is a bit older; or at least older men with women of all ages."
It's time for Ashley's party, but not after Gizelle tells Robyn that Ashley has been running her mouth all over town about how broke Robyn is. Seriously, is Googling someone and then talking about it that big of a deal? I thought that's why we invented the internet.
At L2, Katie and Andrew keep shoving their tongues down each other's throats so Katie can put in a Mrs. Den next week without Andrew getting upset. Karen's role in her confessional interview is just to spew etiquette-based catchphrases like "Keep what's supposed to be in the bedroom in the bedroom." Everyone slowly discovers that Ashley (read: her husband) didn't spring for the open bar at the party, and that's another faux pas. Ashley just can't win.
Robyn and Ashley finally butt heads and argue about whether Ashley meant to hurt Robyn's feelings or not. "Your whole aura is standoffish, so I thought maybe something else was going on in your life," Ashley claims. She was just trying to help! Robyn insists that the headlines or whatever that shared her bank information were a blast from the past.
"It's from last summer." There is no need for that pettiness, Ashley.
Ashley apologizes for some etiquette breech I'm still unsure of, and Old-Ass Michael gives her a Porsche. Katie hops in before Ashley can get in because, contrary to popular belief, Katie is the one true holder of the thirst. Unfortunately, thirst is like having the Ring as a hobbit. You can't wield its power — you can only be corrupted by it.
I'm thrilled to be going on this ride down the Potomac with you, America.
Wait. Do you ride down the Potomac? Is it a river?