#Gladiators, as you all remember from my recap of last week's mid-season premiere, I pretty much got hired as the head of the Home Depot's paint department because I was 68 shades of underwhelmed. Abby and Liv being friends again? A-doy, we all knew that was going to happen. Rowan screwing Liv by lying his about plan with Jake? Uh, yeah, that's pretty much all Ro-Ro does. A lot of it was the same old, same old — except for Fitz not answering Liv's phone call. Honestly, that's the smartest thing he's done since he's been in office. But still, that one move by Fitz didn't make up for everything else feeling a little ho hum.
Well, thank goodness for this week's episode, which restored my faith that Scandal hasn't lost its mojo. The acting was on point, Olivia continued to dress like a Kwanzaa candle (loving the red, boo!), and I was even legitimately surprised by a plot point. "The Candidate" is the kind of episode that Scandal needs to be doing more regularly. And I'm sure y'all agree with me, so let's get into it, shall we?
We open with Cy being real creepy, standing in a dark room and staring at someone. Is it the president? Nope.com, .edu, .gov, .net, and any other URLs you can think of. I'm not here for scary white people no more. Gone Girl had me giving white women the side-eye at Bed Bath and Beyond for two weeks, Misery convinced me that doling out Werther's Originals is the best way to keep white ladies of AARP-age calm, and Single White Female made me think, "If I could re-up blackness like it was a Sprint contract, ya damn straight I would." In short, Cy, I'mma need you to cut this mess out. And he does, but only because we jump-cut to Olivia and Mellie at OPA.
The two are still going over Mel's giant memoir, which is longer than the line for Plan B after an army of bridesmaids attend a wedding. Anyway, Liv makes an awkward yet good suggestion: Mellie should write about the decision to stay with Fitz after learning about his affair. Mellie claims that stuff is private, but we learn she's just stalling because she doesn't actually know why she stayed with him. Hmm, o … kay. And then Mellie turns the tables and Liv doesn't know why she stayed with Fitz either. Ahem, his stroke game. Not that difficult to figure out.
Across town, there's other awkward business going down. Fitz is still shutting Cy out and wants to be interviewed by a basic reporter named Lillian, even though Cy is like, "Maybe you should do your job." Lizzie is desperate for power and wants VP Susan to run for president, but Susan says no, and Huck is busy not doing background research on Mellie so he can watch soccer games at work. I want to shade him, but I have not done work at my former day job because I wanted to watch Project Runway, soooooo I'm going to fall back. Huck:
We finally meet Lillian, and now I see why Fitz wants to do the interview. She's cute. Plus, she's looking him up and down like he's a plate of prizewinning collard greens on Diners, Drive-ins & Dives. Girl, I get it. Fitz is hella hot, but don't do this!
We return to Mellie and Liv, who is prodding Mellie about her reasons for staying with Fitz. They start fighting because who wants to get that personal with their husband's ex-mistress? Mellie is like, "What y'all had is nothing on my 23 years of marriage." Liv gets mad, but Mellie has a point. I understand that Olitz had a deep connection and love for each other, but being married to someone is different. Waking up and going to bed with a person day in and day out, deciding how to raise kids together, and balancing careers is something that Liv never truly experienced with Fitz. Still, Liv is mad when the troof (not truth because what Mellie said was raw as hell) is said. Things are extremely tense and Mellie leaves. So it seems like Mellivia is over before it truly started.
Back to Susan. Lizzie waves her magical vajeen in front of David's face and is like, "Take Susan out on a date to convince her to run for president or we're not boning anymore." Instead of him being like, "A'ight. I'm the motherflippin' attorney general who rocks Warby Parkers," and then doing this:
… he agrees to this trifling plan! ARGH! I want him to be First Bae, but he can't if he's going to break Susan's heart with this scheme. Back at the White House, Cy has to remind Fitz to be the president while he still has the job. LOL. Someone needs to show me the receipts as to why everybody thought Fitz was going to be an amazing president. Throughout this whole series, he has been lazy as hell, drinking all the time, and avoiding solitude. This dude is not a president. He's a desperate guy on Tinder who wonders why he can't get a date. NEXT! You know what else I'm "NEXTing?" Angry Olake struggle sex, which dries up my vajeen faster than Bounty towels soak up spilled lemonade. What is the point of these scenes? They're not hot, they look miserable, and it'd be nice to not constantly see women be rage-filled when boning.
Anyway, Cy bumps into Mellie at a bar. They commiserate about how much they have given to Fitz. Cy sees this as his opportunity, but Mellie tells him she already has someone running her campaign. Ouch. She then tries to go back to talking about how much they sacrificed for Fitz. Cy is pissed. He's like, "We? WE?" Cy, quit being Petty LaBelle. You damn well know that Mellie was integral to Fitz getting elected. Anyway, their conversation ends and Mellie decides to walk the streets, carrying hooch out in the open. She ends up at Liv's place. She gives another one of her good, boozy speeches and says that she stayed with Fitz because:
- She and Liv basically got him the White House.
- She figured that he would help her elected to make up for all that cheating.
That's literally not how anything works. Instead of getting the Oval Office because you were cheated on, maybe settle for a Volvo, the vacation house, and custody of your gahtdamn kids. Moving on. The confession train chugs along, and Liv says she kept being Fitz's mistress because she was scared. She didn't want to go all in and being his side piece would allow her to only give part of herself up. Okay, both y'all need some therapy. Unfortunately, neither of them agree and instead Liv is like, "That's what you say in your book. That you were scared. That you thought you needed to stay in a bad relationship. And now you realize that you had the power inside you all along." It's a little after-school special-y, but I like it. They immediately start working on the book.
Later that evening, David and Susan go out on a date (yay!) to Gettysburger (lol!) because Susan has pretty much done all the badass things one needs to do in D.C., but she hasn't done the fast-food joint. She and David have a nice time, and she tells him that she was picked as VP not because she's awesome, but because she's no competition for Mellie. David kisses her and goes, "You are awesome. Don't ever say bad things about yourself in front of me again." YAAASS! I'm here for Savid. Suvid. Dusan. Whatever the hell we're calling this ship, I'm down.
But my dreams are foiled … for now. Lizzie and David are still boning and it seems like he's ready to lead Susan on for Lizzie. Nooo! I want Susan and David to fall in love.
We return to the shot that opened the episode. Cy is watching Fitz sleep. It's messed up and scary. Cy wakes him and tells him he has to leave town because his cousin died. Uh-huh. Whatcha really up to, Cy? Remember Huck? LOL. Me neither, but we learn that Huck has been spying and watching all of Javi's soccer games since Javi and his mom moved. Oh. That's sad and now I feel bad for being a smart ass. UGH! Sorry, Huck.
So Mellie and Olivia stay up all night revising the book and it's magically amazing. Liv doesn't want to sit on this, so the two of them pull a Beyoncé and leak it online. LOVE it. So, where is Fitz in all this? Oh, he was just in the Oval Office … with Lillian. After the two of them talk for 2.3 seconds, they decide to go on a date. JESUS! Can't this dude be alone without needing a woman by his side?
We end on Cy. Turns out he's spying on a guy, whose name we don't learn, so I'm calling him Governor Hottie. Hottie is answering questions at a town-hall meeting and it's not going well, but then he gives a super-inspiring answer, so it seems like Cy has found his new candidate. Yay, Cy, and yay my eyeballs because I would smash Governor Hottie and then buy him a new Timex watch as a thank you. #GovPeenForPheebs
Alrighty, what did you think about tonight's episode? Anyone else crushing on this new governor? Do you think Susan and David have any chance of ending up together? Let me know in the comment section below.