Hell hath no fury like two brothers with abandonment issues. Tonight’s episode was helmed by the amazing (and adorable, especially when he cries) Paul Wesley, so without further ado, let’s watch him cry a bit more.
As Damon raced from person to person trying to fix his mistake (giving Matt blood first — good call, because Elena would hate him if he let Matty Blue Blue die), all I could think about were the 9,879,475,769 other times Damon has gotten himself into this situation.
“I saw this coming,” he says, chained up for the umpteenth time. If he lives like this for the next 60 years until Elena is free, he is not going to be the man she left behind. As hallucination-Stefan asked last week: Is Damon only good when Elena forces him to be? I am honestly not sure.
None of this seems to matter to Stefan, who informs Damon that he’s “getting a pass.” Hellstone, you know. “Everyone understands.”
I have to admit that I take Damon’s side a little bit here. Anyway, Stefan skips over a bunch of stuff, including my favorite part, which isn’t where Damon says something mean but true, but when Stefan holds him by the shoulders and promises they are brothers forever. And the crying, we’re skipping the crying, too, apparently.
But that’s because there’s work to do: In the weeks (!!) Damon’s been gone, Julian’s motorcycle gang of goons has moved in on Mystic Falls. Is there a villain hotline that provides goons on call? Klaus had them. Pretty sure Silas had them. Can I call that number and get my own goon squad?
We don’t hear much about Stefan’s time in the Hell world at first, but the aftermath ain’t pretty: He can’t even go on a date with his girl without attacking a waiter, hallucinating that the guy was Damon trying to hurt Caroline. Things are not going well for my favorite couple.
Damon makes his way through Mystic Falls, haunted by Henry. Trauma doesn’t end when you hit rock bottom. It follows you. He snatches the heart out of the unsuspecting goon. Innocent people can still get hurt in this world. I wonder what the consequences will be when that innocent person is someone we care about — and not even vampire blood will save them.
(Still, when Damon goes after Julian, Stefan tells him to play nice. And all I can think is this is the one guy Damon could kill without making anyone angry. Sure, lessons must be learned first, I guess. Lame. Julian gets negative 1,000 points for being alive.)
After being haunted by Damon for weeks, Stefan is convinced that the only way to get rid of his pain is to remove Damon from his life. “I got a can of gasoline,” he confesses. Caroline, our savior and goddess, stops him just in time. We get our beautiful patented Paul Wesley Almost-Cry. Usually I feel better around this time, but I don’t. Caroline has put a band-aid on a bleeding wound. Eventually, Stefan is going to break.
And break he does, because when Julian attacks him in vengeance for Damon heart-snatching a goon Julian apparently really cared about, we realize Stefan was talking to a hallucination. He’s not out of the woods yet either, while Damon is gone like the wind.
“I could walk upstairs right now and turn that baby shower into a bloodbath,” Damon says, threatening Tyler, “Or you could take me to see my girl.”
I knew something bad was going to happen — and after the end of last week’s episode, I honestly thought we’d seen the worst of it — but when that coffin opened and I saw Henry’s face instead of Elena’s, I (and Tyler) knew we were in trouble. Tyler tries to shoot Damon, but gets his head bashed into the ground. Cue a can of gasoline, and moments later, Elena’s body is up in flames. Cue me, screaming at my TV: “That is Nina Dobrev’s face right there! What is even happening? This can’t happen! Is she dead?”
And the truth is I don’t know, but it will surprise no one that Elena is the innocent gets hurt when Damon can’t confront his feelings. Like always. There aren’t enough OMGs to convey how utterly shocking this moment was, and I have no idea how Damon is going to fix it.
“You’re stuck with me, Damon. I need you to know that.”
“Here’s to drowning together.”
Not the heartfelt, Team Salvatore Ra-Ra Go Team moment I was hoping for. Sounds like these two know they’re on the road to ruin. Oh, Brother, indeed.
I love how, while their entire town is being wrecked and their best friends’ lives are falling apart, Bonnie and Matt still have time to online date, while waiting around to stop Goon Vampire Drag Racing.
“Maybe a softer side will get you more hits,” Witchy Ride-Along quips to Deputy Doolittle (also a reality TV show name) because he’s a Doofus who puts his gun in his dating profile picture. Then they both proceed to witchy-woo/shoot the Goon Vamps like it’s nbd.
Nora shows up at Caroline’s baby shower, which makes me wonder where the other heretics are. Julian’s fave, Mary Louise? My fave, Beau? My least-fave, Valerie? (I hung up the hate hat, but she’s still kissing Stef in the future. I forgive but cannot forget.) We learn nothing about them, but are told that Nora helped Bonnie get Stefan out of the stone, so I suppose plus 50. I can be grateful.
But when we learn a little more about what Nora’s been up to the past few weeks, I get nervous. She gives Bonnie a postcard with a red X on it. For a second I thought we were getting a crossover with Pretty Little Liars. (Who is X?)
X is the Huntress’s calling card. She's the girl the sword was made for, the one who put the souls inside the stone, the reason Julian was there, and the cause of Beau’s scar. According to Nora, “once you’ve been marked, she never stops.” So she and Bonnie team up to figure out how to prevent her from getting to Stefan and Damon, who are most certainly on the huntress’s hit list.
Matt is also forming bad alliances. When Nora threatened him, I could see how tired he is of being pushed around by vamps and witches. I bet he thinks they would have been better off if they’d left Stefan and Damon in those stones to rot. (Would he be 100 percent wrong?)
And it seems the (hot) cop who pulls him over for DUI (don’t be like your Mom, Matt, come on!) would agree. “If everyone sits around doing nothing, there’s not going to be a town left,” she says, before revealing the hunting loot she found in Matt’s bag. I do not want a vervain grenade in this girl’s hand, or her around my Matty Blue Blue.
It Takes Two
Of course, while all of this is going down, Caroline is throwing her baby shower. Plus 100.
Caroline's pretense that she doesn’t want to be a mother to these babies is sad. She’s micromanaging the gifts, pretending it’s all for single-dude-dad Alaric, but we all know better. She lost her mom, and taking care of these babies would help fill that void. Alaric is right — they are going to need Caroline around, because Matt or Tyler can never babysit, ever, or those kids are toast.
Now, I see how Alaric and Caroline will fall in love. And [gulp] I don’t hate it. It makes sense: She loves the two things he loves most in the world, Stefan is pushing her away, and who else is going to remember the hypoallergenic fabric washer? Also, Matt Davis and Candice King could have chemistry with a broken refrigerator, so yeah, I could be on board with this. (Temporarily, because Steroline is the endgame, right?)
So by the time this happened:
“I am not raising my kids near mystic falls, or Whitmore College, or …”
My heart was broken. Moms come in all forms, and Caroline is aching to be one. Which means she’s probably leaving, too. And leaving Stefan behind.
Back to the Future
And that is what happens three years from now. “I have a family,” Caroline hisses at Matt (!!!) when he rescues her from inside the news studio after her capture.
But our Matt is gone. He’s sided with the huntress. Caroline has a family now, but he has lost everything. “Stay out of sight until the huntress gets what she wants,” he warns her.
I hate to say it, but maybe Elena should stay dead. She would not like this future at all. Not one bit.
There are too many questions and we are running out of episodes to answer them! Who is the huntress? Is Tyler dead? IS ELENA DEAD? And most important: Where is Beau? Until next week, let me know your theories in comments or on Twitter @Talkativetara.