Imagine you're drunk at 4 a.m. in a karaoke bar in K-Town. One guy is passed out on the corner, two of your friends just took a very long bathroom break, and someone is trying to sing R. Kelly's "Ignition" — only it's not the remix version, because they never have the remix at this place, but someone always forgets. Your vision blurs as the mini-light display flutters across your eyes, and you look at the thimble-size cup in your hand and ask yourself, Why am I still drinking this soju?
That is the feeling invoked by this week's Lip Sync Battle, between Randy Couture, former UFC fighter and actor in The Expendables, and Gabriel "Fluffy" Iglesias, the stand-up comic whom you may remember as the skeezy neighbor on the short-lived Cristela. It's one of bewilderment, but also of acceptance. They are not very good at this, and in fact, Randy Couture gives arguably the worst pair of performances ever on the show. It's terrible, sloppy, and kind of amazing.
Battle 1: Gabriel Iglesias's "I Wanna Sex You Up" vs. Randy Couture's "My Prerogative"
Fluffy kicks things off with the very chill Color Me Badd song "I Wanna Sex You Up." It's a great number, and a good way to start off what would promise to be a chill night. But wait: Dad came to karaoke, and he's wearing a Von Dutch hat. He's singing Bobby Brown's "My Prerogative" and doing some dance moves, but his torso seems out of sync with the lower half of his body. Oh God, it's going to be a long night.
Winner: Gabriel Iglesias, by default.
Battle 2: Gabriel Iglesias's "Hot Stuff" vs. Randy Couture's "Physical"
What would Olivia Newton John's aerobic anthem "Physical" look like stripped of its queer subtext? Something like this. There's very little skill involved: Randy Couture forgets to lip-sync the words, almost misses his cues, and instead devotes his time to touching the female backup dancers. What is going on? Just as you ask yourself this question, drunk uncle totters out in silver heels wearing a wig and purple sequin gown. He clearly knows the words to this Donna Summer classic, but he looks a mess. His dancers are wearing Village People–inspired outfits, and he similarly gives them each a turn. And then he falls while a dancer simulates cunnilingus on him. Whew. What a night.
Winner: Gabriel Iglesias, sure.
Overall: Gabriel Iglesias won. It's time to go home.