On this season of The Bachelor, we could count on a few things: Oatmeal was going to be boring, some product placement from a few resorts in Jamaica, and mini-horse was gonna mini-horse. While you were all playing your Bachelor-finale drinking games at home, I was watching for my two favorite tropes: Oatmeal offering to walk someone out and a person being a complex human woman being eliminated. Oh Bachelor season finale, you did not disappoint me on those two fronts.
We start the episode with Oatmeal taking each of the final two ladytestants to meet his parents, Dave and Amy. Lauren B. (let’s still call her that out of respect for the other Laurens who came before her) and JoJo wax on poetically about how love is real and no one feels like they do and how this is the moment their lives changed. They both say that. Oh dear, this is going to end in a mess. Oatmeal still doesn’t know how he’s going to get down on one knee and propose before the 11 a.m. checkout time at Sandals Jamaica.
Up first is Lauren B.’s time with the Higgins family. Oatmeal tells his parents that Lauren B. is sweet and gorgeous and she loved Warsaw. She might be the only woman on earth who loves Warsaw, Indiana. YEAH I SAID IT. I’M NOT SCARED, WARSAW RESIDENTS. (Okay, I’m a little scared of Tom Metzger, founder of the White Aryan Resistance, who lives in Warsaw.) Oatmeal’s mom is a little disturbed that her son can love two women at once. She’s not disturbed that going on The Bachelor was his first defense against loneliness but whatever. Lauren wanted to meet the parents on date one so she brings them a giant bouquet and a bottle of wine. Oatmeal keeps his hand on her lower back the entire time. Oatmeal’s dad sees that little twinkle in Oatmeal’s eye that he hasn’t seen in his eye before.
Lauren sits down with Oatmeal’s mom and tells her that Oatmeal is perfect and everything is going along smoothly, and Oatmeal’s mom promptly laughs in her face. That’s a great sign.
For all of Oatmeal’s hemming and hawing about how perfect things are with Lauren and ignoring the fact that no one went “A little too perfect if you ask me” and never ripped off Lauren’s mask to reveal she was just Old Man Suggins in a costume the entire time, he really didn’t seem to mind too much when his mom said that he doesn’t know what the rough times would be like with Lauren.
Also, Oatmeal said his relationship with Lauren was too good to be true, everyone drink.
Oatmeal kisses her and offers to walk her out. That sentence could go at the end of every interaction he has this episode so just pretend I wrote it at the end of every paragraph.
It’s time for JoJo’s visit with Dave and Amy. JoJo is insightful about Oatmeal’s flaws and brings them a seashell of flowers. JoJo and Oatmeal have already been through the rough times and made it out the other side. JoJo is his best friend.
It’s obvious that JoJo isn’t going to make it, right? I wish I could say I am surprised or shocked but I’m beginning to believe that fan theory that Oatmeal had his mind made up and was just stringing JoJo along. JoJo did a lot of Oatmeal’s emotional labor and made him feel okay about the decisions he was making. He kept her around until he was comfortable admitting he was actually ready to propose and then dumped her.
After JoJo leaves Dave and Amy’s Sandals Jamaica suite, Oatmeal looks so distraught. He wasn’t supposed to feel that way about JoJo. As much as JoJo was looking for a sign that things were going right, Oatmeal was looking for some sign that things weren’t going right with JoJo so he could have a good excuse to break up with her. While he ended his last one-on-one date with Lauren making out in her hotel suite, his last date with JoJo ended with both of them on the floor of her bathroom. She was asking for him to be accountable to her and respectful. He couldn’t handle that. Oatmeal can’t handle that. Oatmeal can support some raisins, some brown sugar, and maybe some sliced almonds. Bon Appétit magazine is always trying to make savory hearty oatmeal a thing and the world just isn’t ready for that. Lauren spent most of their one-on-one date telling him that everything was okay, and he spent most of their date talking about how perfect she was.
>But for real, JoJo and Oatmeal end up on her bathroom floor and she’s begging him, in the words of the R&B group with which she shares half a name — K-Ci & JoJo — to tell her it’s real. Oatmeal leaves feeling awful and JoJo feels like a damn fool. JoJo made the mistake of having real human emotions and Oatmeal wasn’t into it. Great way to start a life together.
It’s time for the big day. Proposal day. Oatmeal greets the day by meeting Bachelor jeweler, Neil Lane. Oatmeal is still undecided but he looks at some shiny rocks and he makes up his mind. Is he a bird?
Oatmeal says that things won’t be easy with JoJo, but she makes him feel like he’s a better man (read: I can complain to her and she tells me what to do). Oatmeal says he loves Lauren but he doesn’t know what it might be like when things get emotional and raw. Lube. It’s called lube, Oatmeal.
JoJo arrives first and walks across a bridge with Host Chris to meet the man of her taupe dreams. JoJo tells him “from the moment I met you, you instantly intrigued me. You have continued to blow me away. From our first kiss on that rooftop in L.A. to laying in your arms in Mexico City to being able to tell you I love you. Taking this crazy chance on love would be worth it, I know that I struggled and I’m really scared, this is worth it, you are worth it … just a couple months, you’re my best friend and a man I’ve fallen completely in love with, I just want you to know that.”
Oatmeal says, “I didn’t know if I could find love. I found it with you BUT,” and JoJo’s heart breaks into one thousand tiny little pieces. JoJo is also over it. She’s over the whole thing and tells him that “it’s okay” and it’s just time for her to go home. Oatmeal offers to walk her out one more time.
Everybody drink sadly.
JoJo didn’t want to be blindsided but here she is driving away in a limo in a gown with beading that’s too heavy. All the women in the live audience applaud grimly.
It’s time for Oatmeal to propose to Lauren. He starts by calling her dad with his T-Mobile roaming plan and asks for his daughter’s hand. How does he have this man’s number? Why are they so casual and friendly? Has he been having a secret relationship with Lauren’s dad where they call each other and chat? Oatmeal shouts, “Woo!” and puts his iPhone back in his pocket. It’s almost like Oatmeal becomes a real boy on this day.
Lauren speaks in lines from Hitch and tells Oatmeal that their first kiss is the last first kiss she wants to have. Oatmeal launches into his speech about everything he wants to do to her face and how they’ll spend their mornings. Oatmeal gets down on one knee and proposes to Lauren.
Then she speaks in another pop-culture reference I’m not sure I understand and Lauren tells him that he’s her person. Is that … a meme?
Oatmeal gives her his final rose and he picks her up and carries her into a Sandals Jamaica helicopter and they ride off into the sunset.
Let’s see if these crazy kids go the distance, and we’ll see JoJo as the Bachelorette.
There’s always next season, Jubilee.