Someone tell me if I accidentally bought a Time Turner from the Harry Potter universe? The magical device that allows you to go back in time and relive moments in your life from different perspectives? Did I accidentally buy one of these and travel to Jamaica and force Oatmeal to relive the same exact Fantasy Suite date and just popped different wigs on a mannequin?
Because HE WENT ON THE SAME DATE THREE TIMES.
Here’s how the dates went down: Woman goes on date with Oatmeal on a water vehicle ferried by an old black man who is probably wise but doesn’t ever speak. Woman struggles with normal human emotions. Oatmeal forces Woman to express her emotions. Woman says, "I love you.” Oatmeal completes two minutes of perfunctory foreplay and seven minutes of missionary sex. Producer does Woman’s hair and makeup so she can pretend to be flawless upon waking up. Oatmeal walks out of Sandals suite with his lil’ backpack on.
Repeat times three.
Add in a few tears and an unceremonious dismissal and you’ve got the episode, America. Let’s recap this bitch anyway.
Oatmeal goes on and on about the picturesque qualities about Jamaica: the lush jungles, the clear blue waters, 16.2 percent of the population living below the poverty line, and the complete reliance on white tourists coming to Jamaica to get their grooves back. But this isn’t just any Board of Tourism–approved trip, this is the week of overnight dates. It’s a chance for Oatmeal to find his wife while “doing the most romantic things.” I guess if you go to an Indiana megachurch, that’s what you call it.
Oatmeal stalks around a Jamaican marsh and thinks about what he loves the most about each ladytestant he’s still dating. Did I say what he loves most about each ladytestant? I mean whatever personality he has constructed in his mind. Caila is “bubbly.” Lauren is “too good for him.” Jojo has “mean brothers.”
His date with Caila is up first. The date starts off in a good place. Oatmeal thinks it’s the deepest relationship that he has. But then Caila makes the terrible decision to be a person with complexity and anxieties. Caila is worried about the fact that Oatmeal is dating two other women as she should be and decides to talk to Oatmeal about it. After some awkward small talk about rivers, Oatmeal demands that Caila talk about how she’s feeling and chastises her for not being her bubbly self. That’s obviously what you want from a boyfriend. Oatmeal also tells her to just not be stressed because that’s how that works.
At their evening date, Caila finally tells Oatmeal that she’s in love with him and he ... kisses her back. Oooooooh girl. Ooooooh honey chile'. Sweetie honey noooo.
Caila’s delusion sinks in further and she says she can tell that Oatmeal loves her because of the way they take a breath together. Oooooooh girl. Ooooooh honey chile'. Sweetie honey noooo.
But don’t worry, even though Oatmeal doesn’t return her words of love, he still offers to bang her — I mean, share a fantasy suite. They wake up the next morning and Caila continues to believe that Oatmeal loves her. This is painful.
It’s time for Lauren B. to get a crack at those steel-cut oats. Again, they get in a small boat piloted by a black man who only exists to drive those white people to their quirky nature date. Lauren B. and Oatmeal are digging up tiny baby turtles and ushering them to the sea. Lauren B. is helping the world replenish its turtle supply; the baby turtles’ lives are just starting and so is her life with Oatmeal.
Oatmeal’s narrative for Lauren B. is that she’s too good for him and she answers that he’s too good for her. He’s an account manager from Denver who likes basketball. He’s not too good for anyone. He’s the bare minimum of dudes. But who cares, there’s a double rainbow over them as they make out in the ocean, and in their suite at Sandals Jamaica, she tells him that she loves him and that he’s the man of her dreams. You have boring dreams, girlfriend.
But suddenly, Oatmeal tells Lauren B. that he’s loved her for some time. OH SNAP. THE GAME HAS CHANGED.
The next morning, Lauren feels like she’s waking up next to her boyfriend and soon she’ll be waking up next to her fiancé. But her boyfriend has got to go bang another woman.
Oatmeal and Jojo go on a helicopter ride to the YS Falls in Negril, Jamaica. Oatmeal has a dadbod with a scripture tattoo. You couldn’t hit the gym a little harder before this episode when you’d be shirtless constantly, Oatmeal? Jojo coos, “Jamaica is so nice.” Jojo’s love language is words of affirmation so she’s terrified to say I love you first, but the subtext of that leap into the waterfall becomes text as she tells him that she loves him.
Oatmeal says I love you back and Jojo has the same reaction I did when my boyfriend said I love you for the first time: WHAT? (In my defense, his face was in a pillow and he was half-asleep but I needed to clarify.) They make out on top of the waterfall and Jojo begins to cry because she was so nervous and today is the best day of her life.
What if she got Formation tickets next week? Would this still be the best day of her life?
Oatmeal and Jojo bang and they can’t stop saying I love you to each other.
The next morning, Oatmeal leaves with his lil’ Doc McStuffins backpack and comes to the harsh realization that he banged three women but only loves two of them. Ruh roh, Rhaggy.
It’s almost as if Caila’s love delusion grows stronger as Oatmeal’s feelings for her wane as if she were cursed by Baba Yaga. Caila’s next move prompted me to say “That bitch crazy” to my friend and her dog. Caila decides that she wants to go see him and remind him that their relationship would be exciting and full of surprises. She gets in a car provided by the producers as they high-five each other behind the camera.
Oatmeal is lounging, staring out into the sea like a man on a 19th-century whaling ship when Caila runs up behind him and puts her hands over his eyes. Oatmeal exclaims “what the heck” and keeps repeating “oh man this is crazy give me a second” because that’s what you want your boyfriend to keep saying when you show up.
Caila is everything he would want in a wife … except he doesn’t want her and he’s really gonna miss her. Caila then does two moves that makes me love her on her way out: She says she’s just gonna leave but before she does, she demands that Oatmeal tell her if he knew “before this week” (read: If you knew you didn’t love me, why did you have sex with me?). We’ve all been there, Caila. We have ALL been there.
Oatmeal commits the ultimate Nice Guy evil: forcing a woman to be emotionally vulnerable with you, having sex with her, then breaking up with her once you know you don’t have the same depth of feelings at the start of the date. Screw him.
Oatmeal thinks it’s going to make it all better if he keeps telling Caila how special she is and how he’s going to miss her and that their relationship was so special. No one wants to hear it, Oatmeal. A word of advice for all the fellas out there: Telling a woman how special she is as you’re breaking up with her isn’t what she wants to hear. On the limo ride to the airport, Caila cries that she’s ready to be a wife. Your next Bachelorette, dear readers.
The producers make Lauren B. and Jojo (in an AMAZING dress) go through a charade of a Rose Ceremony as they shoot tiny daggers from their smoky eyes at each other.
Next up: The ladytestants tell all. We’re all only interested in hearing from Lace and Olivia, right?