Hey boos! Is it just me or are these reunion episodes better than the rest of the season? From now on, the regular episodes should just be the ladies dipped in hot glue and Swarovski crystals, watching all the shady mess they've said about each other. It's so entertaining and they're all legitimately shocked at the things being said behind their backs, which LOL, because they all know they're trifling as hell and two-faced. Everyone is talking trash about Peter and Cynthia's marriage, Phaedra is annoyed that everyone is up in her business with Apollo, and in the shocker of all shockers, Kandi is defending … Kenya?! Whoa. This is hella cray, so let's get to it, shall we?
We begin with Andy Cohen rehashing the booze-cruise trip, in which Cynthia went all UFC on Porsha and kicked her in the stomach. Oy. Definitely not one of Cynthia's finest moments. But thankfully, as we saw earlier this season, they patched things up: Cynthia admitted she overreacted and Porsha apologized for her part in the fight. Aww! Everything is good, which is why Andy is like, "Okay, let's talk about it some more." Haha. This dude is my favorite human alive right now. Porsha explains that they all call each other "bitch" all the time, so it should've been no Jason Biggs for Porsha to call Cynthia one in that instance. Agreed. Kandi then chimes in and is like, "I shouldn't have had Porsha go talk to Cynthia while everyone was still fired up." Agreed. WHY IS EVERYTHING MAKING SENSE RIGHT NOW ON THIS SHOW?
Welp! Spoke too soon. Kenya is asked about the three physical altercations that happened this season because they were all influenced by her stirring the pot. Kenya doesn't think opening her mouth does anything. #BlankStare. Things quickly derail from there because Cynthia and Porsha decide to figure out which physical move led to the fight — who cares? — and Kenya chimes in that Porsha has a history of violence, a comment that makes Porsha go, "Don't make me get started on you and the one-eyed African."
What the heck is Porsha talking about? According to her, there's a married preacher who wears a patch on his eye and Kenya banged him when they were in Los Angeles? All of that sounds like a bunch of Wingdings. This is ignorant, probably not true, and I can't waste what little brain cells I have left to make sense of Porsha's nonsense. Too bad I can't help myself: Porsha also implies that Cynthia gave her bruises all over her body. Huh? There was one Jackie Chan kick from Cyn and that's it. Being kicked in the stomach obviously sucks, but don't claim you got beaten when you didn't. The rest of the bruises came from security pinning her down. But as we see, Cynthia heard from Phaedra that Porsha said all this stuff. Phae, of course, stutters because she knows she embellished the story when talking to Cynthia. Oh, lawd. Moving on.
We get into the stuff with Kenya and her nonexistent relationship with her mom. It's all very sad; I don't want to comment on this with jokes and belittle her pain. Poor Kenya.
Next, we get into Peter and Cynthia's rocky marriage and … it … is … awkward. Peter joins the ladies on the couch and the couple says that they are still living apart and rarely see each other. When Andy goes, "Hmm, that sounds like you're separated," Peter is like, "There are soldiers in war who don't see their significant others for months at a time, does that mean they're separated?"
Peter. Peter. PE to the motherflippin' TER. You are not risking your life in Iraq. You are in Charlotte, running your dusty-ass bar that is worse than a Dave and Buster's — and allegedly, you are fraternizing with women who are not your wife. Calm down. Anyway, Porsha calls B.S. on their relationship, so she and Peter go at it. Kenya jumps in to defend her friend, which then causes Porsha and Kenya to go at it. Kenya claims that Porsha lies on her back to make money, and then says, "You should shut your mouth because if there's not a dick in it, you don't even know what you're saying:"
Porsha responds with, "We should talk about the one tuck before you go to work everyday, bitch." UHHHH, NO. As fun as RHOA can sometimes be, these ladies are terribly quick with homophobic and transphobic comments. These kinds of comments are so unnecessary and hateful and I really wish they would knock it off. All this stuff about penis tucking and Kim's husband being feminine is really ugly — especially since we live in a world where LGBT people are harassed, assaulted, and murdered for being themselves. These ladies should do better than to engage in hate speech. And now I actually kind of miss the Wingdings/one-eyed African mess from earlier. Sigh.
Anyway, Porsha/Peter/Cynthia continue to fight. Porsha claims Peter is banging 19-year-old women and that his waitresses get paid with sexy times. (Barf.) He asks her to provide names. Bro, don't do stuff like that. Chances are people will step forward and embarrass your behind. Then Andy asks another question: If Cyn wasn't a a part of the show, would their marriage survive? Peter says it would be better and Cynthia is like:
So their marriage is done, right? I mean, Cynthia only talks about their issues and never seems hopeful about things turning around.
After Peter leaves, Andy moves on to Phaedra. She's annoyed that everyone has opinions about her life and how she's raising her children. But doesn't Phae have opinions about everyone else, too? I'm confused. None of them mind their damn business, so it's not too appropriate for her to be upset that Kandi is like, "Maybe your kids should visit their dad in prison, so they don't forget him." Right? Anyway, this is all very sad. Phaedra is moving forward with the divorce, so let's move on, cool?
We talk about the incident in Miami when those dudes came to the ladies' house and Tammy ended up getting injured. A lot of mess was said by the ladies in this reunion, but here is my take: Kenya helped stir the pot, but if any of the women made clear that they felt threatened, the situation would have been taken more seriously. That doesn't excuse Kenya for instigating a fight with Glen — and also for not letting security get involved — but there seems to be a double standard here. The ladies don't seem to care about Kenya's safety.
Alrighty, what did you think of part two of the reunion? Do you think Peter is cheating on Cynthia? Does your heart break for Phaedra about the Apollo situation?