The Real Housewives of Potomac
So, you’re a bougie woman about to embark on a girls’ trip with your closest friends (as mandated by an agreement with Bravo TV). What to pack? What to bring? How to behave? Well, on this week’s episode of Real Housewives of Potomac, you’ll learn the dos and don’ts of a weekend away with your best bougie pals.
Rule #1: Get Your Business Done Before Departure
When getting ready to depart on a trip to Bethany Beach, be sure to settle up all your accounts and finish your last bits of work so you can leave the “office” on Friday without a care in the world. For Katie, this means tricking her friends into this host committee, a nebulous position with an ever increasing list of responsibilities.
Ashley, who never seems bothered by the idea of responsibility (maybe because Kangaroo Jack will bankroll a few stylish people to take care of everything for Ashley), quickly agrees to join the host committee. Gizelle and Robyn are a little more skeptical of Katie’s plans to raise $100,000 in 18 minutes and the fact that she put nine non-refundable deposits down on 15 different venues across the D.C. metro area. Gizelle doesn’t do hot mess. What Gizelle does do quite well is sashay into my heart for continuing to be a stone cold bitch. Robyn seems a little more helpful and tries to manage Katie’s expectation,s and Katie reacts by firing everyone despite desperately needing help moments ago.
I’m sure that’s settled and we’ll never hear about it again.
This season seems to be all the drama of your mom’s Jack & Jill meetings with none of the fun of your dads playing spades in the next room.
Rule #2: Pack Light
Next step to prepping for a fun, unscripted weekend away is making sure you’ve got everything you need. Make sure you’ve packed several large-brimmed candy-colored hats, your favorite beach jewelry, your favorite beach stilettos, commemorative mimosa glasses, Sperry Top-Siders, wine, and a bikini that will win an Oceanside booty-shaking contest.
Ashley drives Karen to the beach house and Karen turns up her nose that a dog will be near her.
Katie volunteers to lug everyone else and their wig cases down to the beach. Gizelle suggests the Bougie Bunch all play a strange version of Marry Fuck Kill where Gizelle names a human and the rest say whether they would marry, fuck, or kill them. That’s … that’s not how that works, Gizelle. Either way, everyone agrees that 50 Cent would lick your armpits and they all would fuck Bill Clinton.
Gizelle prods Katie into talking about her ex, Russell Simmons, and pulls up the LiveJournal posts Katie made about Russell’s new girlfriend. Sometimes I can’t tell if these women are really 13 years old because this is shockingly similar to when Christina P. brought up nasty things Julia L. said behind my back on our way to Old Navy to buy matching outfits for the variety show. Katie stands by what she wrote after their breakup and Gizelle characterizes writing on blogs as something white people do. Has homegirl never read any groupie stories online? Because they are hilarious and without them Bossip wouldn’t have anything to report. And without Bossip, all the bougie men and women would be lost. It’s the bougie Drudge Report.
Rules #3: Plan Ahead
When planning a girls’ trip, it’s important to think of little details ahead of time that will make your guests’ stay enjoyable, like a mint on their pillow, your unused Birchbox samples in the bathroom, or a strong cocktail ready at the door because you know someone is gonna walk in there with a damn attitude. Gizelle.
Karen and Ashley arrive at Casa Didgeridoo and Ashley shows Karen around. Karen has decided that she’s going to mentor Ashley as an act of charity, so that means Karen will have to explicitly or implicitly approve of every single decision Ashley has made this weekend. The first decision? The sleeping arrangements. Ashley gave Karen a single room so Karen DGAF.
Brynee and Charrisse have to share a room and both are furious that the handwritten name tags on their bed have their names misspelled. Because Brynee and Charrisse are spelled exactly like they sound. Gizelle and Robyn have to share a room and Gizelle flat-out refuses and acts as if she’s been asked to sleep in a plastic playhouse in the backyard.
Robyn seems up for anything, teases Ashley a little bit, but eventually shuts up about it.
Gizelle, again, is a stone cold bitch and opens up Priceline, in front of Ashley, to look for another hotel anywhere in the state of Delaware.
Ashley also tried to avoid hearing everyone run their mouth about her cooking so she hired a team of private chefs to come to her house and cook. This Santa and Mrs. Claus-looking duo commit the faux pas of handing the bill to Katie in front of her guests and cooking some suspiciously unseasoned food. Are we sure we didn’t walk into the “Beach House” episode of Girls?
Rule #4: Keep an Exclusive Guest List
Who is Brynee? How did she get there? Brynee is the one who no one seemed to invite but is always there because Charrisse can’t go anywhere without her.
She’s like your Auntie’s friend who keeps showing up to your house and is staying for dinner even though you didn’t cook enough for seven, and that Christmas will always be remembered as the “Christmas Aunt Gwen’s weird friend showed up and ate an entire sweet-potato pie by herself and tried to blame it on the baby.” You know that baby can’t eat a whole pie, Brynee. That baby can’t even use a fork.
Rule #5: Dress to Impress
What to wear for a casual beach hang?
A floor-length, silk, long-sleeve gown with a plunging neckline and peacock print. Bless you, Karen.
What to wear for a trip down to the seaside?
A giant purple hat, giant mirrored shades, and a purple ruched one-piece. And five-inch heels. Bless you, Karen. We are mere mortals and we are not worthy.
Rule #6: Make an Agenda
The most important thing to consider when planning a beach trip is to make sure the day is full of fun activities and your guests are never bored.
Ashley continues to schedule shit none of the older ladies want to do, like a surfing lesson on the beach. Katie, Robyn, and Brynee are game and slip on their sturdiest bikinis to ride the waves.
Karen, Charrisse, and Gizelle rate their booties and drink champagne out of margarita glasses. I’m gonna go ahead and say that I would be Team Margarita on this beach trip. Karen, Gizelle, and Charrisse offer to shake their booties so Team Surfing can rate them. Karen wins best booty because Karen is a masterpiece.
Karen is disappointed, however, that a “boating exposition” wasn’t planned.
Katie, Charrisse, and Brynee head into town to buy a bushel of crabs and rehash The Lunch Heard ’Round the World.
Meanwhile, Ashley is attempting to avoid setting her house on fire and prepping the backyard grilling party.
Rule #7: Only Engage in Appropriate Dinner Conversation
Even though it may just be a relaxed weekend with your gal pals (and one hanger-on, Brynee) it’s important to still maintain a level of decorum in your mealtime conversation.
Unacceptable topics: Farts.
In an attempt to steer the conversation to something more suitable, Charrisse suggests a Sister Circle where everyone goes around and shares something they admire about someone else at the table. This ought to be good. Gizelle, why don’t you go?
“Katie, I love how unassumingly smart you are. I’ll be talking to you and I’m thinking what is this girl talking about? But then! I’m like, whoa! You’re brilliant.”
That is some expert-level shade. Gizelle is the Monet of shade. Up close, it seems fine but with a little distance, GOD DAMN THAT’S A SHADY GROVE. She also proved her point with a cutaway interview of Katie asking if that was shade.
If you have to ask if it’s shade, it was shaaaaaaaaaaaade.
The party moves inside and Robyn asks Charrisse about her divorce, and Charrisse continues to be the only Housewife with a story line motivated by real human emotion. Karen shares that her mother was diagnosed with early dementia and shows real human emotion. Robyn offers up that Juan was taking their money and lying, and breaks into big ugly human tears.
To be continued …