The Real Housewives of Potomac
It’s day 49 of the never-ending Girls’ Trip! We’re still in the middle of the interminable Sister Circle lead by Charrisse and it’s still Robyn’s turn to break down.
In her interview, Robyn reveals more of the story of how she and Juan got fleeced. A #shady friend approached them with an offer that was too good to be true — and by golly, it was. Charrisse tries to console Robyn by telling her “Keep it moving.” Uh … thanks, Charrisse.
Gizelle turns her reign of terror onto Katie. She’s determined to break her spirit and then touch her with a long acrylic nail (she says they’re not acrylic, but you know they are) and turn Katie’s heart cold just like that baby in Game of Thrones. The first point of weakness Gizelle tries to exploit is this damn host committee. Katie fires back that she found new marks — uh, I mean Charrisse and Brynee are going to help and Gizelle may or may not be invited. Wanting to learn the dark arts of being a shady lady, Ashley asks Katie if there’s anything she wants to share.
Gizelle continues to harp on how Katie was acting at Ashley’s birthday party. Okay, Gizelle. Let’s be real here. Which drugs do you think Katie was on? Which drug makes you make out with your boyfriend a lot and make a general fool of yourself? Because in my experience, red wine can make you do that. Maybe she was just on red wine.
Karen, the Emily Post of the group, says that this is not appropriate conversation and Katie runs upstairs while Robyn demonstrates how drunk white girls dance. I want to be friends with Robyn.
It’s a rainy day the next morning, and Karen talks to Ray while wearing a rhinestone baseball cap I can only assume she bought off a man who sells homemade Obama T-shirts. Karen and Ashley gab like gal pals about how Gizelle talked all about poop and drugs.
Katie sits and talks with Brynee and Charrisse about how attacked she felt and how Gizelle needs to mind her business. Charrisse says that’s not what the Sister Circle is about. Brynee is still there, for some unknown reason. Did she call off work? Does she have a job? Gizelle comes down and joins the conversation. Katie momentarily grows a backbone and says, “I didn’t ask you why you feel the need to have multiple sex partners and have sex in lobbies.”
I was left gasping for air. I felt a tingle around my edges. Bring a little more of that to the table instead of this pageant nonsense.
And that’s basically the advice that Brynee, Karen, and Charrisse give Katie when she retreats again to her bedroom. When the rain finally clears and the war-room summit is over, the ladies all head to an old-time-y photo place. I shouted, “OH HELL YEAH” so loud I scared my boyfriend. The thought of these women in antebellum hooker outfits was too much for me to bear. Karen perches on a tuffet and fans herself and declares, “These girls look a hot mess but not me!” Karen has never felt more at home. I have never been more in love with Karen.
While everyone is taking off their petticoats, Katie confronts Gizelle and tells her that she doesn’t want to hear any more comments that disparage her character and she’s not a little girl. Grow that backbone, Katie! You don’t know who Gizelle’s people are, and for bougie-ass black folk, that’s very important. It can make or break you. Gizelle better hope there’s not a cousin with a record hiding somewhere because her whole reputation could come tumbling down. No Hermès belts could save her.
The evening plans are to hike everyone’s titties up to their chins, then head to a drag show after a fancy dinner. Karen is wearing a glittery shirt. Gizelle’s bra is 100 percent out and Ashley is wearing hot pink hot pants. Robyn points out that the gay men aren’t interested in them, let alone what they’re wearing. Robyn continues to be a straight shooter and makes me want to be her best friend.
At dinner, Karen and her areolae congratulate Ashley on getting her act together and successfully planning a full day of fun. She also plots how to get Andrew to propose to Katie. Those areolae are going to be very busy plotting and scheming. Everyone obliquely reveals what they’re going to get in their divorces, whenever they happen. Ashley is going to get a couple houses. WELL, OKAY THEN.
Katie says that being married to white men and dealing with their white businessmen friends is difficult because they don’t care about what’s going on within the black community. Gizelle chastises Katie in an interview for wanting to be accepted by white people. If Katie is going to be married to white folk and have children by white folk, she’s gonna have to deal with white folk at some point in her life. What I’m saying is: Gizelle, settle down. Gizelle is slowly going from fun shady to bitter. We know that Katie’s children are biracial. Let them light brown babies be!
Ashley is accepted by the elders and they head off to the gay bar. In the party van, someone hopes that they have a pole for Karen. The ladies are feeling their oats and having a good time dancing with gay men.
I have a fondness for small-town drag queens (the drag scene in Des Moines, Iowa, is particularly delightful) and Miss Mona Lots is a girl after my own heart. She slams the ladies and says they look like they’re from Southeast D.C. … which I’m sure is a big slam because I am a person very familiar with D.C. and its inner-city politics. Yes. I got that reference. Charrisse surely did because she knows her ring surely ain’t Southeast.
Everyone is having a great time, so of course, Kangaroo Jack has to swoop in and ruin it. All the men in the bar check him out on the way in, and not because all the men in that bar are wearing the same shirt. Kangaroo Jack sneaks inside, kisses Ashley, and everyone flips their weave. Karen thinks this is wildly inappropriate and her husband would not approve! Ashley doesn’t understand what the big deal is. Michael owns the house and everything in it and also all the businesses Ashley is associated with and they’re staying in their own room.
Everyone declares that Girls’ Weekend is over and everyone has to stop walking around in their panties! That alone means the fun stops. In a move usually reserved for white girls standing in the street on St. Patrick’s Day, Ashley shouts that she doesn’t care that everyone is uncomfortable. The ladies go back to the house and plot against Ashley. When she strolls in wearing her sequin blazer, the firestorm starts again. The old proper ladies head to bed while Charrisee, Brynee, Robyn, and Ashley stay up and play beer pong.
The next morning, the ladies all get up to leave as Ashley tells them not to let the door hit them on the way out. Robyn, call me girl. Let’s hang out. Do you wanna get brunch and go shopping?