I don’t know which is more shocking, that Kim Chi is still a virgin or that RuPaul kicked off two queens last night. Oh, or maybe that Ru called up someone on her cell phone and invited her onto the show. Is this someone new? Is it someone old? Is it Shangela? Come on, it has to be Shangela, who keeps turning up like that one thirsty wig that you can’t get out of your drag bag. (What, you guys don’t have a drag bag?)
Before we get to all that, we have to start with the mini-challenge, where RuPaul (who obviously bought that giant fedora hat in all the tempera colorways) made the girls dance to the song “Cha Cha Bitch” by AB SOTO, who has a wonderful Instagram account where he doesn’t post nearly as many shirtless selfies as he probably should. Cynthia Lee Fontaine, the sole remaining Puerto Rican queen, is the best cha-cha-er of the bunch, and she absolutely slays the competition. Chi Chi DeVayne is the other winner and I guess she was pretty good.
I would have picked Thorgy Thor as a winner because she did the Frida Kahlo of my dreams. You know every Halloween, every girl who went to art school and doesn’t shave her pits goes as Frida Kahlo; they get all extreme and look just like her and it’s so dumb because they think they’re being edgy but their look is so played. Thorgy did a version of that, but if someone took a pencil eraser to Frida’s face. She looked like a chalk drawing of Kahlo on the sidewalk 20 minutes after it started to rain, and it was so much better than the much more realistic take we usually get.
Chi Chi and Cynthia are now team captains and they both have to lead a squad in one of RuPaul’s penny operas, this one based on Pitch Perfect. Cynthia’s team is the proper Lady Bitches, and she chooses Laila McQueen, Bob, Kim Chi, Derrick Berry, and that one who looks like Skippy from Family Ties whose name I can never remember. Chi Chi is the head of the Shady Bitches, and she drafts Thorgy, Acid Betty, Dax!, and Naomi Smalls.
Immediately, my girl Acid Betty is pressuring her group to do more work, get some choreography down, and take themselves seriously. If there is one thing we have learned watching these challenges it is to not dick around and be unprepared. Would any of these ladies show up at a top’s house at 3 a.m. after eating 12 of those weird taco things they sell next to the register at 7-Eleven? No, they would not. So don’t half step it on the challenge, either. Acid Betty may have the right idea, but she’s going about it all wrong, pissing off Chi Chi and getting Thorgy to talk about what an “asshole” Betty is and that is why no one in New York would work with her.
The big drama on the other team is that Kim Chi can’t dance. I’m not saying she can’t do the electric slide or the chicken dance. I’m saying she can’t dance like Helen Keller can’t drive. It is painful to watch. It’s like someone took a sack of flour, shoved two pairs of pick-up sticks into it as arms and legs, and then kicked it around the room.
Poor Kim Chi. Turns out she was a fat kid with a bad lisp and a heavy accent and everyone made fun of her. It was so bad that she’s never even had sex before. The best part of her revelation is the looks on the queens’ faces. They are so flabbergasted, it is like someone deleted all their dick pics from their phones and they couldn’t use Grindr anymore. I love Kim Chi. She’s so amazing and beautiful and I just want to give her a hug and tell her that it will be all right. I would say that I want to give her a shirtless hug, but I don’t want the responsibility of being anyone’s first time. I deflowered Gus Kenworthy and now he keeps calling and texting and Snapchatting and showing up at my door at 2 a.m. sobbing. Okay, fine, that only happened in the gay erotic fiction I publish on my LiveJournal, but still.
At the Bitch Perfect showdown, the Lady Bitches are completely overshadowed by the Shady Bitches. Duh, of course this happened. That’s why all the serious actors want to play the villains in the Batman movies; they’re always way more interesting and colorful than the boring heroes. The Lady Bitches also make the mistake of all wearing the same outfit and wig, with very little styling difference. You couldn’t tell any of them apart. Laila McQueen was trying to stand out, but that is sort of like trying to win the Best Camouflage Hunting Outfit trophy competition against the cast of Duck Dynasty. The Shady Bitches are clearly the winners here as they pop, lock, and twerk their more vanilla counterparts under the table.
The runway looks for this week were supposed to be “Movie Premiere Realness” because, I don’t know, I guess Pitch Perfect was a movie? Whatever. Here is a breakdown.
Cynthia Lee Fontaine: This is exactly what Lisa Rinna on the cover of a prom-dress magazine would look like. Ru thinks she looks like Valerie Harper. Ru is not wrong.
Bob The Drag Queen: You know how they put the mannequins in the window at American Apparel in costumes for Halloween? That, but if they did a Diana Ross one.
Derrick Berry: Britney in a red wig. Yawn.
Laila McQueen: Ursula the Sea Witch’s dumpy younger sister Selma, who was covered in kelp and left for dead.
Skippy: A drag queen dressing as Marilyn Monroe is like a kid reading the Cliff’s Notes for Of Mice and Men on the bus.
Kim Chi: If a tornado scooped up all of the wadded-up tissues on a teenager’s bedroom floor and then it was all sucked into a snow globe.
Chi Chi DeVayne: This dress is the equivalent of looking at the red digits on your digital alarm clock as you press snooze for the third time.
Naomi Smalls: Have you ever tried to flush a piece of black toilet paper and a Q-tip at the same time? Naomi Smalls has.
Acid Betty: Looks like someone went to the Gaultier exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum!
Dax!: Billie took a holiday.
Thorgy Thor: Sheila E. on her way to the Grammys in 1985. That is the highest compliment I can pay anyone.
Though Chi Chi wore an outfit so boring that even PBS NewsHour thought it was a snooze, she is the winner of the challenge. RuPaul informs her that she is also the winner of a trip to New England and Chi Chi nearly starts crying. “I get to go overseas?” she asked, as everyone within a ten-mile radius slaps themselves in the forehead at the same time.
Laila and Dax! are forced to lip sync for their lives and they were both horrible. They were given “I Will Survive.” If a drag queen cannot give a compelling performance to “I Will Survive,” she should be thrown into drag prison and not allowed to purchase a pair of heels for 25 years to life.
Making it even worse, they both relied on the same old drag trick of ripping off their dresses. There is a reason why RuPaul banned queens from snatching off their wigs when they perform. It is a tired and cheap stunt that is not rewarding at all. Laila even went so far as to be standing there in her bra and granny panties at the end of the song. That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever seen. If Ru kicks her off, she’ll have to pick up her clothes and do the walk of shame down the runway. The last thing anyone will see of her is her saggy-ass drawers as she scampers away feeling foolish.
Luckily, we all had Dax! to cover up her ass on the way out, since Ru booted them both. I have been asking for her to do this for years. Kick off all the boring, lame queens who aren’t going to last and let the competition get interesting. Now, who will be the replacement? It’s Shangela, right? It’s gotta be Shangela.