#Gladiators, I'm tired. This show has worn me out. I'm not really sure I have the strength anymore. I mean, I love all the actors and there are some fun twists and turns, but I feel like the characters we all fell in love with, or fell in love with hating, are gone and are replaced with something else. The power shifts are happening so quickly that it's hard to get invested in who's on top because you know they're going to end up losing the following week. People declare feelings for each other and then act a damn fool. Others change personalities in mere minutes yet we're somehow supposed to be invested in who they are, when they clearly don't know who they are. This episode may be called "I Miss You," but I miss Scandal. Because what we're watching is something different. It's the new normal, I suppose. I miss the old. Let's discuss, shall we?
We begin with Rowan, Liv, Jake, and Vanessa are having a fun dinner — What. Da. Fuq? — while Charlie and Quinn break into Vanessa's crib, look for stuff, and set up a bunch of surveillance — that's more like it. And then Vanessa is like, Jake, "How did you describe Liv?," and he goes, "She's the sister I never had," and my vajeen dries up faster than a countertop where a Bounty paper towel was used to soak up water. Anyway, once Quinn texts Liv that they're done, Liv leaves. Jake and Vanessa do, as well, and head back to Vanessa's place. Liv is home and watches Jake and Vanessa make out.
I. AM. TOO. OLD. FOR. THIS. SHIT. I am wasting valuable minutes of what I have left of my fertile years watching Olake be creepy AF. If I wind up not being able to have kids, I'm sending Shonda Rhimes a letter.
Sally is on The Liberty Report, slamming Governor Hottie a.k.a. Vargas for announcing his campaign for president after he went on her show and told her he wouldn't. The White House is split on Vargas's chances of winning. Cyrus's assistant, Ethan, who has one job — not to say a damn thing about Cy running Vargas's campaign — tells Abby that Cy is running Vargas's campaign. You guys, everyone on this show is dumber than a box of rocks, so Abby goes to Quinn to run surveillance on Cy and see what he's been up to. Quinn says no, and I don't understand why. She and Abby used to be friends — Quinn can't do this one thing for her? Meanwhile, back at OPA, Marcus and Huck are watching a feed of Avi's soccer games and they see Kim has moved on with a new man. That sucks, but Kim can't be alone forever. Sorry, Huck! But it turns out it's not just hurt feels. This guy is someone that he and Charlie tried to kill before, so I guess he's back and trying to kill Huck's family. Oh, noes! Charlie thinks it's "Six Toes," a guy they tortured by removing his toes.
Mellie is taking a meeting with a dude that Liv doesn't think Mellie should be meeting with. And that person is Hollis. Wait, is Mellie trying to vet Hollis to be her potential VP nominee??? The man is deep fried in evil. Oh, okay. She just wants to see if he will donate to her campaign. Still bad, because if she takes his money, she owes him, and that's not a person you want to owe. He says that if she considers pulling the plug on the EPA, he'll write her a check for half a billion dollars. Cut to the Oval Office. Lizzie is telling Fitz they need to get Hollis on their side, so he won't back Mellie. Fitz doesn't want to do it, but Cy says it's worth it, and Abby makes a look. She meets with David to get confirmation that Cy is running Vargas's campaign.
Mellie tells Liv that Hollis is meeting with Susan, but Liv is distracted because she is still at home watching the feed from Vanessa's apartment. Jake and Vanessa are getting ready to bone and then Jake looks at the camera and is like:
Sidenote: Remember when we all thought the craziest thing was Herman Cain running for president just a few years ago and now Trump is on national TV promising that he has a giant dong? Yeah, those were the days and we didn't appreciate Cain enough.
Anyway, Jake shows up the next day with all the surveillance stuff and tells Liv to knock it off. Liv is still convinced that Rowan and Jake are up to something and that Jake and Vanessa's relationship isn't real. Jake is basically like, "You have daddy issues, I'm in love, and she loves me back, so go eff yourself." Ouch! And then, he's like, "Did you get off watching us bone? Did you O when she O'd?" The answer to that is obvs, "Yes and yes." Right?
Abby confronts Cy and asks him about working with Vargas. He, of course, loses his damn mind, which just confirms Abby's suspicions, and he threatens to have her fired. LOL. O-kay. Abby says she's going to tell the prez, and Cy begs her not to say anything. Abby agrees. Meanwhile, Huck tracks down Six Toes, who is pulled over on the side of the road. His car is dead, and he can't find his phone. Huck offers to give him a ride to the gas station. Okay, is Huck even sure that Sean is Six Toes? Or is he just acting purely from emotion and assumption? This is not going to end well. Oy.
Hollis, Susan, and Fitz chill in the Oval Office. Hollis is basically being shady as hell and talking trash, and Fitz is over it. He ends the meeting after Hollis is like, "I remember how you won your first term":
So Hollis goes back to Mellie. Oh, Mellie ... when are you going to listen to Liv and not get into bed with this fool? He is bad news! Speaking of Liv, she and Abby are talking about Cy. Abby wants Cy's job. Pause. Abby just learned how to be a press secretary six weeks ago and she already wants to be White House chief of staff? Abby, please calm your ass down and stop being so power-hungry. It's not worth losing your soul for a goddamn job. This is basically what Liv tries to tell her: Keep the white hat on because being the big dog isn't as great as it seems. Just then, Quinn calls Liv to have her meet up with Marcus so the trio can track down Huck and Sean/Six Toes. That's when we catch up with those dudes and Sean realizes he's in deep doo-doo with Huck because Huck drives past a gas station.
The OPA trio show up and see that the car Huck and Sean were in is abandoned, and Quinn and Liv start fighting. Liv says that Quinn shouldn't keep Marcus in the dark about these things because they're family. Quinn is like, "How are we family when you left us for Fitz and the White House and then you have the nerve to come back and spend your days and nights spying on Jake? Girl, 'bye:"
Liv hasn't had her head in the game for a while and to complain that Quinn said she wanted more responsibility is trash. It's called OPA not QPA, so Liv should have been there, checking in and making sure everything was running smoothly. Sure, Quinn could have done a better job, but Quinn is not the boss. Anyway, the fight continues and Quinn wants to know why Liv turned her back on them. Liv says because she was kidnapped and had her life taken away from her and she never wants that to happen again. And because she was kidnapped, she's allowed to be selfish, allowed to take what was hers — the presidency — and everyone needs to deal. Just then, Huck shows up with Sean's drugged body. Sean is not a bad guy. What. The. Fudge? Didn't I call this? Why would Huck act so recklessly? Someone needs to get the entire OPA crew together because they are straight-up in freefall.
Abby goes to Fitz and tells him that Cy is working for Vargas. Ugh! I mean, Cy should get his comeuppance, but Abby should have kept her mouth shut. She does not and is basically "Poping" Fitz and telling him what to do. She says she can be the new chief of staff because she's exceedingly qualified. Y'all, call me H&R Block because :
What in the natural hell are you talking about, Abby? You are not exceedingly qualified. This is absolutely ridic.com and the fact that Fitz literally lets any and everyone manipulate him into doing what they want is absurd. Fitz doesn't have to be this big of a tool. Seriously. I mean, wasn't it in season one or two when everyone was talking about how great he is as a politician, how smart? Where has that guy gone? He has no backbone, no thoughts of his own, and only cares about boning and pouting. This is not the Fitz we all fell in love with seasons ago. This is Faux Fitz, and Faux Fitz sucks. This new evil Abby sucks because she's all of a sudden just as bad as Cyrus? She's easily corruptible? None of this makes sense. End of rant. Fitz asks Abby to fire Cy, and she has the job.
The OPA quartet are driving back. Cy tells him that Sean is going to be okay because they're just going to drop him off back at his car. When Sean comes to, he'll just think he fell asleep at the wheel. Turns out that Sean wants to propose to Kim. Damn. He's basically a knight in shining armor and Huck realizes that he needs to let his family go so Kim and Javi can truly be happy. Back in D.C., Hollis announces that he's running for president ... at his old elementary school ... and says he wants to end racism and poverty... by focusing on the educational system. Sound familiar? Yeah, that's because he stole all of that from Mellie. Liv tried to warn you, fool! I literally don't give one sliver of a damn about this. Mellie never listens to anybody and then always winds up in a mess. She does not deserve to be president. She needs to open an Etsy shop and sell homemade bath oils and loofahs. Also, LOL at Hollis basically being as trifling and ignorant as Trump just so we know who the hell Shonda & Co. are making fun of. Let's all take a second to bless Shonda & Co. for staying messy to make me laugh.
Anyway, Susan and Fitz have it out because she believes that if Fitz would have kept his cool, Hollis would not be out in these streets, making a mockery of the political process (again: Hollis is Trump). She goes, "I respect you, but this is the Susan Ross Show, sir." Whoa! Please don't make her be evil, too, y'all!
Back at OPA, Liv says Quinn will always have Liv's back and handle everything and take care of everyone and that's why Liv handed her the reins. I guess that is her way of apologizing, so, okay. Abby goes to Cy's office and fires him. Cy can't believe she said something. A'ight, I hope that Abby knows that Cy is pretty much going to spend the rest of his life ruining hers. I mean, was it really worth it? Cy can destroy anyone or anything when he needs to. That is not an enemy you wanna have.
That night, Liv goes out to dinner with Jake to call a truce on all their b.s. drama. Finally!! She tells him that she misses him and that's why she's been acting a fool. She apologizes for being selfish and then Vanessa shows up. So, I guess, they are going to be friends for real? At least, for the rest of the episode, which is only a few more minutes. Then Liv has a flashback when Vanessa drops her phone and I'm not entirely sure what it's supposed to mean? That Jake and Vanessa are basically reenacting the relationship he had with Liv? Someone explain! Anyway, Liv dips out of dinner and tells Quinn they need to step up the surveillance on Jake. I mean, does anyone care at this point? I'm not sure I do ...
Alrighty, what did you think of the episode?