The milkman, the paper boy: They all have such horrible secrets to hide. It turns out the reason Danny, Uncle Jesse, and Uncle Joey were such gentle, kind sweetie-pie Magoos during the day on Full House was that they were out every night, shattering femurs and bringing down drug lords. The Full House daddies gave Stephen Colbert a sneak peek of their fake True Detective–esque spinoff on The Late Show Wednesday night. Tom Waits wishes. He wishes he had recorded that intro cover. Looks like we all learned an important lesson today.