Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers Are Sitting on the Wing of the Aircraft, by Jamie Loftus

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5:43PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

We will be taking off for our flight to Milwaukee shortly. Please place all carry-on items under your seat and check the area around you to ensure we are prepared for takeoff. Our flight attendant, Luther, will be around shortly.

5:54PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

I know we said this flight to Milwaukee was packed before boarding, but two seats just freed up in first class if Mr. and Mrs. Marcus would like to come to the front. It’s my pleasure to be your pilot this evening, and be sure to wish our flight attendant, Luther, a happy 36th birthday as he passes by.

6:03PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

We are on our way.

Some passengers have been complaining that there is a man sitting on the wing of the aircraft, and I would like to confirm that this are true. This is by no means an emergency, so please continue to enjoy the complimentary Wi-Fi and in-flight viewing of Transformers.

If you have any further concerns, please take them up with our flight attendant, Luther.

6:24PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

First of all, I don’t appreciate you cussing at Luther.

It has been brought to my attention that some passengers have been complaining that a pilot with any measure of experience would not treat a man sitting on the wing of the aircraft as anything short of an emergency. To this I say, listen. I understand your concern. The first rule of flying a plane is that the customer is always right, and if customers have conflicting opinions I must enact the second rule of flying a plane, which is that the pilot must commit suicide if two customers cannot be right at the same time.

If Luther passes by, please tell him the man on the wing of the aircraft will be fine, and to stop crying.

6:54PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

I am aware a second man has appeared on the wing of the aircraft. Please stop shouting and enjoy the second act of Transformers, which is much shorter than I remember.

7:14PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Luther has communicated that many passengers think that the Baldwin brothers, the good ones, are on the wing of the aircraft grilling eggplant burgers on a grill they brought themselves. Are the men on the wing of the aircraft actually the Baldwin brothers? There is no way to know for sure, although they are certainly striking in profile.

Please enjoy the rest of Transformers.

7:17PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

I rescind my former comment. It’s totally the Baldwin brothers. Wow.

Please enjoy the rest of Transformers.

7:33PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

I do not appreciate people throwing food at my flight attendant, Luther.

If what I’m hearing screamed from the business class section is accurate, and I think it is, it sounds like the Baldwin brothers may be in trouble, seeing as they’re on the wing of a moving aircraft. To this, I say, relax. They are probably rehearsing for a play.

Please do not accept food from them. Thank you.

7:46PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Luther is telling me that the Baldwins don’t do plays like this. They don’t do plays where they suddenly realize they’re on the wing of a moving aircraft, beat on the windows of the aircraft, and scream. What are they rehearsing? I simply don’t know.

What I do know is that I lobbied hard to make sure you could watch Transformers during the flight from Providence to Milwaukee. Passengers, the flight is virtually unaffected by the Baldwin brothers screaming on the wing of the aircraft, which is headed at 500 knots toward Milwaukee.

Can we please watch the end of Transformers? Thank you.

7:47PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Okay, Transformers is over. Sorry those scenes in the middle skipped! I brought my DVD from home!

Luther suggests that we have the passengers sitting in row 15 go and assist the Baldwin brothers. To this, I say, no. I wouldn’t want to become disrupted during the flight because as most will know, the third rule of piloting is to sacrifice the source of distraction.

To the passengers saying that Stephen is tracing the word “TRAPPED” in his own breath in the window, I would like to offer a stiff drink, on the house. Calm down.

7:54PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Luther has brought it to my attention that one of the Baldwin brothers was hit in the face with a falcon and was knocked off the wing of the aircraft. While this is unsettling, I think it’s premature to be shouting “You killed him!” particularly when we have a baby on the plane. I know that Billy is crying, but wouldn’t you if your brother was just knocked off the wing of an aircraft?

Look, I wasn’t going to do this, but I brought my DVD of Transformers 2. Let’s–okay, let’s stay out of the cockpit.

7:57PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

I am aware that Billy Baldwin is threatening to jump off the wing of the plane. To this I say, I hope you’re enjoying Transformers 2. To this, I also say, maybe his brother Alec should not have made disparaging comments toward Transformers star Shia LeBeouf and his family would have encountered a more sympathetic pilot.

I remain disaffected. The fourth rule of flying a plane is to never show them how you perform your magic tricks. I don’t care if Luther is a Baldwin fan, even if it is his birthday.

Leave me alone.

8:03PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Did anyone see where Billy Baldwin went? Luther has only responded to my inquiry with a knowing shrug and the plane has gotten very quiet.

8:05PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Transformers 2 has stopped playing and Billy Baldwin hasn’t reappeared. Can somebody –

8:06PM Attention passengers, this is your captain, Jeremy Calhoun.

Billy Baldwin has entered the cockpit with the same knife he was using to cut those delicious-looking eggplant burgers with his likely-deceased brother on the wing of the aircraft not an hour ago. Billy, I am going to request that you leave the cockpit immediately, and take your knife –

8:08PM Attention passengers, this is your—no, I loved Flatliners

8:12PM [gurgling through blood] Attention passengers, this is your –

8:13PM Attention…

Thanks for all your help, Billy. This was the best birthday present ever. I really did love Flatliners.

Attention passengers, this is your flight attendant, Luther.

Your captain, Jeremy Calhoun, is dead. Billy Baldwin will be signing autographs and Stephen Baldwin will be up from baggage storage shortly, where he was hiding after faking his own death. And look in row 13! It’s Alec! He’s dressed as a nanny. He’s just that good!

Thanks to the pranking Baldwin brothers for the best present a boy could ever ask for.

Jamie Loftus has written for Paste Magazine, Reductress, Playboy, College Humor, the Boston Globe and others, worked on conceptual comedy projects like Shrek Nudes and Turkey Sandwich Terrorism. Please visit her website.

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Attention Passengers: The Baldwin Brothers Are Sitting […]