When you’re trying to parody Hamilton, you’ve got to get up pretty early to get one over the likes of “HAMILTRUMP (Hamilton Musical vs. Trump Parody),” “BATLEXANDER MANILTON (Hamilton + Batman Parody),” and “‘You’ll Be Back’ from Hamilton: Voldemort Parody.” So we’ve got to salute the dozens of people who labored for weeks to create Jeb! The Musical, an amazingly ambitious full-length Hamilton parody about Jeb Bush that you can currently read in this Google doc. In this telling, the former Florida governor becomes “Jeb Bush Exclamation Point” (gotta preserve the scansion*), with his enduring refrain, “There’s a million things I haven’t done, but please just clap.” Our antagonist and narrator is Donald Trump, chump, and here’s his motto:
Talk … loud.
Say dumb shit.
Don’t let them know that you’re a raging hypocrite.
Elsewhere, Samuel Seabury becomes Bernie Sanders, Jefferson becomes Ted Cruz, poor little Philip becomes Marco Rubio, and George Washington becomes that other famous George W. And whenever possible, the play keeps up Hamilton’s plethora of internal rhymes, which most other parodies don’t manage. Here’s Chris Christie, taking Hercules Mulligan’s rap:
Close down your bridges and subways, delays
These days, the gays are ablaze, please pass the mayonnaise?
And here’s a selection from Jeb! The Musical’s crowning moment of pathos, “It’s Gentle Down South”:
There are voters who the ads don’t reach
There’s pandering too pitiful to tape
You keep your PACs as rich as you can
And ignore the inevitable
There are moments when the crowd’s so mean
It feels easier to shut your mouth
The Jeb campaign moves to the South
And embraces the inevitable
It’s not as good as Lin-Manuel Miranda’s work, but what is? In a world full of cheap, low-effort knockoffs, you’ve still got to salute people who go the extra mile to follow their own unique visions. In the words of another failed presidential candidate, “Ha ha ha! Terrific!”
* This post originally messed up “rhyme scheme” and “scansion,” which means I’m ineligible for that MacArthur “genius” grant.