The Real Housewives of Atlanta has been off the air for one day and there is already a new franchise: Dallas. Hooray! But also, huh? How the heck did it take so long for a city from the Lone Star State to get in on the action? Don't know, but I have already gone through a roller coaster of emotions with this show. It has the potential to be a fun ride, so let's dig into it, shall we?
At first, I was excited because this is a shiny new addition to the franchise. Then, when I saw the ladies' ludicrous taglines, I was prepared to like none of these gals.
You were a cheerleader … for the Cowboys … who played in Dallas … and the team's cheerleaders worked on the sidelines … so you were literally and physically on the sidelines for several of the years you've been in Dallas. This tagline is the equivalent of Lolo Jones tripping over the third hurdle at the Olympics. Brandi done messed up from the get go. Anyway, remember Lolo? No one does. Aww.
COULD THERE BE MORE "E" IN THIS WOMAN'S NAME? Also, if she is leading with the fact that she, like, threw a hula hoop on an elephant's trunk, that means she is going to talk about this carnival ish ad nauseum.
My guess is that she thinks waaaay more people care about her return to her hometown than they actually do. Saying she's not here to fight means she booked her JetBlue plane ticket to Dallas solely to snatch a wig. Nice try, Tiff! I can't be fooled.
So, you're still an object that some dude won? Cool, Cary. Real freaking cool.
In other words: Bitch don't work. If you have a job, you don't say ignorant mess like this.
The taglines are such a hilarious hot mess, I wasn't sure if I would vibe with any of the gals. By the end of "Everything's Bigger in Dallas," though, I officially like two-and-a-half of them a lot — and I officially like this show. It has everything that we've come to know and love about the Real Housewives world: unnecessary drama, tons of borderline tacky outfits, and nonsensical comments, which comprise 93 percent of what Brandi says.
We begin with Brandi, who is a stay-at-home mom of two children. #Cute. Let's get this out of the way quickly: Her voice is a Stephen King nightmare, but you know what? She can't help it, and based on what I've seen so far, she means well. So let's not harp on it too much. Anyway, her bae Bryan works and travels all the time — uh oh, is he going to be the white version of RHOA's Peter? — but they seem to have a good system going. Brandi and Bryan love each other and have been together since the EIGHTH GRADE (!), so good for them!
Next, we meet LeeAnne and
Low Budget Tia Carrera Tiffany. LeeAnne talks a lot and Tiffany doesn't, so I'm glad their friendship is working out for one of them. In the confessional, LeeAnne is wearing a mouse pad wrapped in some barbed wire, a.k.a. a gaudy-ass stone necklace that is giant for no reason. Her personality is giant for no reason. Lots of things she does are for no reason. I will grow to dislike her, but deep down I know that she is integral to the show's success, so bring on the LeeAnne, y'all! She says that it is spring charity season (is that a thing?), so she has tons of events to go to and sometimes — gasp! — she goes to three events in one night. The fact that she says this like she were trapped in a coal mine for two months lets us know she is delusional.gov. Tiffany wants to try on a bejeweled poncho that is straight from André Leon Tally's closet. She and I are both hoping this will give her personality, but no. LeeAnne keeps talking about how she makes phone calls to provide tables for events. That's a call that takes seven minutes tops, but okay, LeeAnne, you're a gahtdamn saint. Moving on … to LeeAnne talking about how being a carnival kid prepared her for life. She. Just. Doesn't. Stop.
Next up, we meet Cary, who is a registered nurser/first assistant to her husband Mark, a plastic surgeon. Not a big fan of plastic surgery, but they do do a lot of work for women who had breast cancer, and they are on a fundraising committee to combat breast cancer. They even host a trunk event at their home to sell some of her jewelry. Cool. I like how she's not self-important about it. We also learn that they have been mad close for a long time; he and his whole family came to her second wedding. #Awkward. But whatever, I guess. Looks like marriage number three is the charm for Cary.
We catch up with Brandi, who is besties with Stephanie … who's a stay-at-home mom, but her kids aren't around? I'm not really sure what she does all day, besides wearing Lululemon and drinking wine. Or as Brandi likes to call it, "Jesus juice," which she says as if no one has ever said it before. I wish I could feel as innovative as she does in that moment. On to Stephanie. Apparently, she has to earn her keep around the house by doing chores, like programming the garage doors. Hmm, that doesn't seem like an equal partnership. More like the husband is the parent and she is the child, but what the hell do I know? Turns out she and Brandi can't figure out the garage-door thing, so they quit and start horsing around. Stephanie decides to simply hire someone to do the programming, then she goes back to chilling and drinking. I should have married rich, y'all. On second thought, I'm glad I didn't because when we meet her husband, Travis, he totally doesn't talk to her like an adult. Good luck, y'all!
Cary and Mark are hosting the trunk show to raise some money. Tons of people come over, drink wine, and munch on snacks from the Costco frozen-food aisle. The party is pretty chill and LeeAnne is wheelin' and dealin', but I'm with Cary. How the hell is LeeAnne at the center of the charity world in Dallas when she doesn't host events or make big donations and just hangs out? That's just partying. That's not being philanthropic. I'm really hoping someone calls her out on this; my brother works for a nonprofit (and my ex does, too), so I know how much hard work goes into charity. LeeAnne seems like a social butterfly who uses charity to act important. Gross. Wanna know what else is gross? Stephanie talking about how she pooped when she was in labor. I know that's a reality, but come on. People are eating at this event, so don't talk about that right now. Of course, LeeAnne does not like Stephanie and Brandi having fun, so she says that they don't take charity seriously. Get a grip!
The next day, we catch up with Tiffany. She's been married to Aaron for 11 years. They moved back to Dallas from L.A., where she was modeling and doing drugs. He's pursuing a music career. She's wearing a bandana like she's auditioning to be a contestant on Rock of Love. The important thing to note is this: Aaron is a low-budget Keith Urban and I would smash. Moving on.
Back to LeeAnne. #Eyeroll. She lives with her police officer boyfriend, Rich, and she's fairly certain they will get married because he said it will happen "someday." That is code for, "The sex is good, but I ain't tryna to split a mortgage and a Blue Apron account with you." Anyway, they don't have a lot of money, but she continues to talk about hobnobbing with wealthy people in the charity world. Yeah, no. THIS IS NOT THE POINT OF CHARITY. Furthermore, she keeps harping on the fact that Brandi and Stephanie married wealthy guys. Sure, but at least Brandi is spending her day raising her babies. That's not not work! Being a mom is hella hard and I don't like LeeAnne's belittling tone. Maybe if she had a gahtdamn job, she would have money, too!
That night, Stephanie and Brandi go to a charity event that's hosted by Marie, a friend of LeeAnne. Brandi goes over to Stephanie's to pregame, and Steph is like, "So I told Cary about the impression you do of LeeAnne." Cut to Brandi like:
And I agree! We already know that LeeAnne doesn't have a sense of humor about herself, doesn't particularly like Brandi, and news of this impression will get back to her. This is pretty much the dumbest thing that Stephanie could have done, but I'm giving her a pass because I don't think she did it to be messy. She just has loose lips. This is going to make for a great fight! On to the event!
Everything is going well as the housewives arrive, except LeeAnne is giving Brandi a death stare. To make matters worse, Cary is like, "Do the impression!" Uhhhh, Cary? LeeAnne is literally five feet away, so how about no? Brandi is smart enough to not do it. There's a speech for the event, and then everyone toasts and — uh oh. LeeAnne and Tiffany confront a panicked Brandi about the impressions. After being petty, she says, "I'm not going to do this." Tiffany walks away and LeeAnne continues to goad Brandi. She does not take the bait, and decides to have a conversation in private. YES!
Brandi immediately apologizes for doing impressions. LeeAnne is being sensible. What?! This show is surprisingly mature. I'm confused.
Aaaand I spoke too soon. Brandi goes, "I'm worried about you." At an HIV/AIDS event, LeeAnne apparently got up to give a speech … about being a carnie kid, which has nothing to do with HIV/AIDS. LeeAnne is like, "Sharing my story helps people." YA DON'T HAVE AIDS SO TALKING ABOUT THE SEVEN YEARS YOU CHILLED WITH A GIRAFFE IN A CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENT LIKE RINGLING BROS. IS NOT THE SAME AS BEING TOM HANKS IN PHILADELPHIA. LeeAnne is two scoops of foolishness, yet I can't look away. Brandi breaks this broad all the way down: being loud is a sign of insecurity, LeeAnne obviously doesn't know how to be herself, and she really needs help. OUCH! That is way harsh, but also LOL, Stephanie sees this intense convo and is just like:
Why the hell did Steph sit her ass down on that couch? She is pretty much killing it solely because she is doing everything wrong. God bless this woman. Anyway, LeeAnne starts questioning Brandi's commitment to charity work. Brandi is like, "Yeah, I'm new to this because I've been a stay-at-home mom for the past six years." The way LeeAnne keeps harping on what the parents are doing with their time makes me wonder: Does she just not like kids?
And then it gets serious. Brandi is like, "Wanna know what I think? You know all this money we spend on food and drinks and renting event spaces ought to be money spent on the actual charities themselves. These parties are pointless, so why don't we talk about how to really do charity right and effectively spend money." Hot. Cripsy. Damn. I'm inclined to agree. If people really want to give to charity, there are other ways than spending money on food and drink to encourage others to give back. Furthermore, it's clear that LeeAnne using charities to get in with a "higher class" of people. Ay-yi-yi. What a mess and what a juicy season this will be. After Brandi, Cary, and Stephanie bounce, LeeAnne goes to hang with Tiffany. The battle lines are clearly drawn. I'm hooked!
Alrighty, what did you think of the season premiere? Is it just me or does it seem like bosom buddies Tiffany and LeeAnne are going to be at odds?