The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Bare Secrets

Tiffany Hendra. Photo: Bravo
The Real Housewives of Dallas
Episode Title
Making Frenemies
Editor’s Rating

Hey boos! I'm chilling in L.A. and you know what's great about "Making Frenemies" being the title of tonight's Real Housewives of Dallas? That's what I'm doing with my scale. Har-har-har. Sorry, I apologize for that terrible dad joke. Lots of my male friends are becoming dads and I think their garbage comedy skills are bleeding into mine. ANYHOO, I'm happy to be back recapping RHOD after missing last week's episode because I didn't have internet or cable in my apartment for three days. I was basically Amish and alone with my thoughts during that time. Let me tell you: It. Really. Sucked. Amish people, I know you can't read this because of the "no electricity" thing, but get your lives together. Lets get to it, shall we?

We begin with Bryan going on the road, leaving Brandi alone with the kids again. Oof. I hope this isn't a sign of bad things to come. Next, we catch up with LeeAnne and Rich. Turns out they met online — so maybe I shouldn't cancel my Tinder profile? — and LeeAnne gushes about him. Very cute. Also, cute? He's a dad. His daughter, Elise, from his second marriage gets along with LeeAnne well. That's good considering LeeAnne is ready for Rich to put a ring on it. Having been married before, he's taking his time; I'm just hoping he's not wasting hers. Ain't nobody got time to waste their hot years on a dude who won't lock it down. The trio meet up for dinner and Elise is the cutest 17-year-old. I love her! She has a boyfriend named Rich, and it's adorable and awkward for everyone. Elise loves her birthday present — shoes, duh.

Next, we see Brandi and Stephanie having a girl date at restaurant. Hmm. How do they always have time to hang out? Aren't they stay-at-home moms? I once went two years without seeing my bestie because she lived in the Upper West Side and I lived in Brooklyn, which is basically a long-distance relationship to most New Yorkers. Just saying. Who is watching Brandi and Stephanie's children while these two moms hang out four days a week? Anyway, Brandi says that if she were gay, she would be in a lez-be-honest relationship with Stephanie.

How. Can. We. Make. This. Happen? Stephanie's husband is a jerk and Bryan is never around, so I'm all for Standi! Anyone else shipping this? So, Standi call Cary to join them for dinner and get "white girl wasted." Lol, but I applaud Brandi for owning her truth. She is kind of a bully and definitely a weirdo, but she's having fun. Cary arrives and is like, "My husband is pretty chill about me hanging out. He's my third husband." Cut to Brandi and Stephanie like:

Standi tried to clean it up with a smile at the end, but they were shocked as hell and so am I! Cary can't even be in her late-thirties and she's already on her third marriage?! Whoa! She says she got married to her college sweetheart, which lasted for two years. Hubby number two only lasted three months — she came home from work one day and he was just gone. LOL. WUT? Why even waste the time ordering salmon for the wedding dinner if you ain't even going to try to last five years? This is why I don't buy my friends wedding presents: Too many people just get married for the hell of it. I don't have time to be buying folks Cuisinart appliances if they aren't even going to attempt to make their relationships work. Anyway, Cary says she never had a bachelorette party, so Standi wants to throw her one at a strip club … like right now. Is this necessary? No. Will it cause unnecessary drama? Yes.  

The trio end up at LaBare and it seems like Brandi is a regular because she knows the owner pretty well. These strippers are a little cheesy and not hot. LaBare is La Boo-Boo. Then Brandi goes on stage and gives one of the strippers a lap dance. When Bryan watches this at the reunion special, he's going to be pissed. Can't wait!

The next day, LeeAnne and Tiffany are hanging out and drinking. LeeAnne is still annoyed about the toy dog poo from last episode and Tiffany is like, "Get over it. It was just a joke." Sorry, but I'm with LeeAnne. Putting fake dog shit on a chair is not funny; it's just kind of mean. Why come to an event if you're just going to make fun of it? So LeeAnne says she's invited Cary and Stephanie to discuss this at brunch. Oh, lord. Can't a simple text nip this in the bud? LeeAnne is still harping on the society factor. UGH! I want to like LeeAnne, but then she says annoying things. Get a grip and quit living your life by some dumb "society" rules.

Cut to Standi, watching their kids and hanging out together. They talk about LaBare and Brandi starts to cry because Bryan is upset about what went down. Stephanie is like, "You didn't do anything bad." Yeah, no. I understand being a friend, but Brandi hella messed up. You can't be married and grinding on some other dude. If the roles were reversed, Brandi would not have been pleased with Bryan grinding on another woman. Brandi needs to act out less. I understand it's hard because she's alone a lot, but this is not the avenue she wants to go down.

We catch up with Tiffany hanging out with Low-Budget Keith Urban, a.k.a. Aaron. They are a cute couple, but he doesn't really want to live in Dallas, so I'm not sure how long this will last. Enough about that, though. They want to throw a charity event: He'll play at it and get exposure while also doing something good for others. Win-win! Then Tiffany says how hard it is to hang with LeeAnne's friends at charity events because they go, "Oh, look at Tiffany. She's thin with a hot husband."

Lol. Tiffany did not need to come for LeeAnne's older friends like that, but I love it. Anyway, Tiffany wants to be friends with Cary, but Cary and LeeAnne aren't friends and Aaron is like, "Does LeeAnne get along with anyone?"

Cough, cough, nope, cough, cough. Tiffany goes over to Cary's to shoot an episode of her fashion vlog. In short, Tiffany doesn't have a job, but cool. Cary's husband Mark is pretty much getting all up in it and this is super annoying. Cary should pick out the clothes she wants to highlight, but Mark acts like he's Kanye and picks out all of the clothes for her to buy. O … kay. And when they start shooting the vlog, he talks. All. The. Time.

After the shoot, Tiffany, Mark, Aaron, and Cary share stories about their relationships. Cute! In the confessional, Tiffany is like, "I can be friends with both Cary and LeeAnne."

Hi Tiffany, I'm Phoebe. Have you ever seen one gahtdamn minute of the Real Housewives franchise? You will have to choose a side. Anyway, Tiffany meets up with LeeAnne the next day and tells her that she had fun shooting with Cary. LeeAnne looks like she just sucked on a Lemonhead. Did Tiffany really think that LeeAnne would be onboard with this? And then LeeAnne says she hates drama. The only reason LeeAnne is on this show is because her behind stays in the drama.

Brandi's mom, Jana, visits to help with the kids. Brandi's granddad mailed a gift to her kids, which is shocking because he disowned Jana for getting pregnant at 15. What the hell?! How can a parent abandon his child like that?! Apparently, he wants to be a part of their lives now. When Jana's parents got divorced, it was a very bad situation. Here's what really happened: Jana disowned her dad and chose her mom's side in the divorce. THIS IS BANANA SANDWICH! Jana, that was an ignorant thing to do and you wasted 30 years on this nonsense. This is so, so sad.

What's also sad is that Bryan is back in town, but he and Brandi are barely talking. UGH. She lets him know that her grandparents are coming to visit. Bryan says he's down to meet her granddad, but doesn't seem to really be into the idea. Then he's like, "I'm going to go make a conference call." In the confessional, Brandi says she feels like she barely knows her husband anymore. Oh, man! NO! Maybe they can repair things with some therapy?

It's time for the lunch with LeeAnne, Stephanie, and Cary. LeeAnne opens by saying she doesn't want any drama and that Brandi's joke of a hat ended up being gossip. Again, who cares? LeeAnne has too much time on her hands. The toy poop was obviously rude, but just decide you're not going to invite Brandi or Cary to any more events! It doesn't make any sense for Cary to act as though she doesn't get why anyone — especially the older donors — would be irritated by someone wearing a hat with prop poop on it. Yes, LeeAnne likes to be all high and mighty, but the poop stuff was completely inappropriate. Just say sorry and move on. She doesn't. LeeAnne is like, "Come at me, bro. I don't give a fuck." So, the opposite of diffusing the situation. ALSO, WHY IS BRANDI NOT AT THIS MEETING?! SHE IS THE ONE THAT WORE THE POOP HAT!! Having this conversation without Brandi there makes absolutely no sense at all. Also, Tiffany officially has to choose between LeeAnne and Cary. Good luck with that, boo!

Alrighty, what did you think of the episode? Anyone else confused as to why LeeAnne never confronted Brandi about the poop hat?