I don’t know if any of you heard: JoJo Fletcher is hot. Like really hot. Like stunning, smoking, can’t-talk-when-you-look-at-her hot. She’s also heartbroken about Oatmeal. She opened up her big, dumb, unicorn-loving heart to a piping-hot bowl of Oatmeal and he stomped all over it.
In the days and weeks that followed JoJo’s rejected “I love you,” our girl has done a lot of soul-searching and she’s learned some things. What those things are, no one exactly knows, but damn it, she’s learned them. She sits pensively in a Holiday Inn Express courtyard and ponders the nature of life and love. She’s going to get back on that horse, but she can’t do it without the guidance of some Bachelorettes who have been there.
JoJo sits down with the Dosh Khaleen of women who have ridden the great Bachelorette horse to glory — Kaitlyn, Ali, and Desiree — for the most staged brunch since that time you all had to get together and pretend to be happy that your friend Monica was moving in with her dog-walker boyfriend, Keenan. You have a master’s degree, Monica. YOU CAN DO BETTER. JoJo is really nervous, you guys, about stepping up to be the Bachelorette. As long as she doesn’t bang a dude in Dublin, she’ll be fine. Right, Kaitlyn?
The big takeaways: Take a step back, focus on compatibility, and ignore the ones you like for the first week — wait, what? That’s right, playing hard to get is officially back on this reality show based around men who signed up to win your affection.
JoJo is ready to be engaged and she wants what Jade and Tanner have. We all do, JoJo. We all do.
It’s time to meet some of our contesticles. They’re all different male archetypes: Grant is a firefighter! Jordan is Aaron Rodgers’s little brother and played in the NFL for three seasons! Alex rides a motorcycle! They all think JoJo is smoking hot. Then there are the ones who aren’t male archetypes. James is a Bachelor fanatic and practices saying, “I accept this rose,” in the mirror. Evan runs a clinic for erectile dysfunction. Ali likes surfing with his little dog and his parents escaped Iran after the revolution. Oh, that one is an actual story from an interesting human. I like him. Christian does parkour and the white side of his family doesn’t accept him. Luke was a soldier and feeds cows.
It’s time to meet the contesticles. JoJo is standing outside Bachelor mansion in the gown version of Britney Spears’s 2000 VMA outfit. Or maybe it’s the gown version of Britney’s “Toxic” catsuit. Britney is really an inspiration for JoJo, isn’t she? JoJo meets the first few men and the Bush’s Baked Beans Hiding in the Bushes Cam captures her reactions to each guy as he walks into the house and she gets a glimpse of their butts. JoJo says, “HE’S HOT! This is gonna be good,” about Jordan. It’s officially Jordan’s game to lose.
The entrances are one of two things: a silly prop-based pun or a not so thinly veiled reference to the fact that Oatmeal said “I love you” to two girls. Robby brings a bottle of wine in honor of JoJo’s mom. I like Robby. Will drops his note cards and reads his jokes out of order! You guys, how whimsical! Daniel tries to capture some white-teen-meme relevancy by saying “Daaaaamn JoJo!” and JoJo does not get the reference. I don’t know who to be embarrassed for.
John shows up in a kilt because he’s half-Chinese and half-Scottish and he’s Scottish from the waist down. Bruh. Bruh. There’s enough racists on the internet already. You don’t need to make jokes about your own dick. Everyone spends the next three minutes comparing John showing up in a kilt to JoJo showing up in a unicorn head. Because a traditional ethnic costume where a man happens to wear a skirt is as absurd as the head of a mythical creature? Damn, masculinity hella fragile. James Taylor, WHICH IS HIS REAL NAME, comes in with a guitar because I guess that’s a requirement for all James Taylors. Nick B. shows up dressed as Santa. I refuse to deal with that.
Wells shows up with the a capella group All-4-One, and they follow him around all night like the band of musicians in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. God damn, Luke shows up on a freakin’ UNICORN. Which means he rented a horse, tapped a paper horn to its head, and rode it down a city street.
After all the contesticles have gone into the mansion, it’s time for JoJo to venture inside for a bunch of men to tell her she’s so crazy-stupid hot. There’s a few men in there who really got her going and someone is getting pregnant tonight!
Okay, no one gets pregnant tonight. The insecure contesticles turn to the drink to slake their thirsts and give themselves a boost of confidence because SHE’S THE HOTTEST WOMAN THEY’VE EVER MET. Are they all saying JoJo is super-hot because she actually is that hot or because … she doesn’t really have a hook? Is sex her hook? After Kaitlyn’s big personality and freewheeling sexual attitude, is the Bachelorette franchise doubling down on bouncing butts? Only time will tell.
Who is the drunk asshole ready to earn you mad points on your Fantasy Bachelorette draft this episode? Daaaammnn Daniel. Daniel gets drunk and jumps in the pool with all his clothes on.
Who is the guy everyone has to beat at this point? It’s Jordan. He sits down with JoJo and gives her his jacket. He’s not going to tell her his life story. They have their whole lives to get to know each other. JoJo is hugging him A LOT and rubbing his thighs. Girl, settle down.
JoJo practices some boxing and plays with a cootie catcher and shares an awkward seventh-grade truth-or-dare kiss with Will. Jordan felt that same hand-to-thigh connection and he regrets not kissing JoJo when he had the chance. JoJo desperately wants to erase Will’s kiss from her mind. Jordan steals her away and walks her to the romance fountain, where they share a mini-make-out session. JoJo damn near falls out.
An intern in a tux drops the first impression rose and all the men flip out. What are they doing to dooooooo? Of course, JoJo gives the first impression rose to Jordan. Chad grins that he’s the manlier, more rugged version of Oatmeal. This bro is Steel. Cut. Oats. I already hate Chad.
It’s time for the rose ceremony and a random limo pulls up. Is it Oatmeal? Is it Caila for a gender-bending sexual exploration Bachelorette option? Is it Brittttttt, ready to be another challenger for the Bachelorette status? No, it’s some other random Bachelor who says he’s going to give JoJo some advice, but then just says, “Yeah, that’s what I was gonna say” when she said she needs to trust her gut. In the words of Beyoncé, BOY BYE.
It’s really time for the rose ceremony. Nick B. is still dressed like Santa.
Luke, Wells, James T., Grant, Derek, Christian, Chad, Chase, Alex, Robby, Brandon, James F., Ali, Saint Nick B., Will, James S., Vinny, Evan, and Daniel all get roses. JoJo says each name with a coy smile. Yeah, this girl is getting freaky this season and I am HERE. FOR. IT.
The sun is coming up when the rejected contesticles leave the mansion and we get a preview of JoJo walking through the desert and making out in front of temples in Thailand.
Let’s do this, Bachelor Nation.