@Neshathewicked AKA Noosha (or Ne$ha) is a human female who lives in Chicago, Illinois, in a haunted apartment with her beautiful army of cockroach sons. She is 1/3 of Amateur Hour, the critically acclaimed and widely beloved podcast she hosts with her beautiful and enchanting best friends, which you can listen to on Soundcloud and iTunes. This week Noosha talked to me about what it takes for her to block someone, discussing sex and romance online, and what she hates about irony.
Noosha: I honestly think I have a disease or something where I think every male celebrity with eyebrows looks exactly like me and one day I was just like, “Damn, I really look like Dave Navarro.” So I started ceaselessly tweeting at him about how he’s my biological father which ultimately resulted in his stans coming for me and him blocking me which like I really feel like he was like, “Shit, she really might be my daughter.” Anyway I miss him and hope he will pay for me to go to the dentist soon.
What was the weirdest reply you got from a Dave Navarro stan? How about in general from a stranger?
A lot of them were taking it REALLY personally and very seriously. They were genuinely concerned for him and calling me a crazy bitch but at the same time they were like, “Twitter isn’t the place for this drama, you should be doing this privately with your lawyers,” lol. Like OBVIOUSLY if I could afford a lawyer I already would have sued my biological father Dave Navarro into paying for me to go to the dentist!!!!!! Duh!!!!!!!!!
The worst thing people do is respond to your joke with a joke. Particularly men. It’s so humiliating seeing a man reply to your tweet with a hideous joke. Honestly they should be banned from the Internet. Ha ha just kidding (……………………………………………….)
Have you had any other good celeb interactions on Twitter?
Jonathan Cheban blocked me because we wouldn’t stop cyber bullying him about looking like a dried up old raisin a cockroach’s ass puked up. I was pretty excited because I was like, “Maybe he sent screenshots to Kim!!!!!!” I really really really reALLY want my enemy Adam Levine to block me but I think he’s just too famous to notice me, a beautiful spinster endlessly tweeting about my army of cockroach sons. I also have been doing a pretty lazy job of cyber bullying him. I found out Dane Cook blocked me recently but I can’t really remember why??? Fuck you Dane Cook. You’re a weeny ass little dork bitch.
Do you ever block people on Twitter? What warrants getting blocked?
I usually never block people unless someone starts following me and their avi is just like, some nasty veiny dick. I think the only time I blocked someone because of a PERSOnal reason is when this guy was cyber bullying one of my beautiful and enchanting best friends and trying to win the free crystal dildo that was hers by birth and by law. Personally I love getting blocked so I have to assume other people feel the same and I don’t want to give them that satisfaction.
I think 88 to 117% of my tweets are probably about me relating to and with men in a sexual and romantic capacity. Sometimes I look at my tweets and I’m like damn bitch you need to chill with being so sickeningly straight. But I can’t help it I’m addicted to being boy crazy!! I had this man over and I was like, “Yeah man, idk my ghost has just been actin so out of POCKET lately,” and I started going on and on and he was just staring at me and then said, “You’re cute enough I bet guys let you talk about ghosts all the time huh,” and then I was like, “DAMN fried me.” Do guys only let me talk about ghosts because they wanna fuck me OR do I only fuck guys who let me talk about ghosts???
Have you ever been shy/hesitant about talking sex and romance on Twitter?
I WISH I ever for one second considered being shy or hesitant talking about sex and romance on Twitter or everywhere all the time. Earlier this year I had my heart RIPPED OUT OF MY CHEST by an evil Internet-famous Scorpio who left me at the metaphorical altar and I would not stop tweeting about it in very specific ways that only my friends and him would understand were about him until he finally and inevitably blocked me. Evan are u reading this. Who is Rau.
Sometimes I’ll look at my page and it’s just like 17 tweets in a row like, “im horny,” “i cant believe this man canceled our date just because his aunt died and he had to go to her funeral,” “im horny,” “im so horny,” “i cant believe all of my boyfriends died tragically in the war after getting their dicks blown off. i miss them and im hornY,” and I’m like ok bitch we get it, you’re straight and you have a cherry tattoo.
How do you feel about discussing tweets in person?
I guess I don’t really care. In some ways I would rather die than someone I work with know about my Twitter but in other ways, who cares. Every man dies, but not every man truly lives. -Braveheart
I hAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaAaAAAaaaTe the neverending onslaught of people thinking it’s cool to PRETEND to or feign interest in shit they think is uncool to actually like or people who think you’re uncool for liking shit they think is uncool when really who?gives?a?mother?fucker? Why can’t u just like what you like and do what it does you fuckin dork ass insecure ass corny ass bitches!!! Anyway what I’m getting at is i luv bein real and i have always said that about myself. And also what I’m saying is I am constantly living my life like a giant horny dipshit and that I have always loved justin bieber and ironic shirts are for fucking dorks and also I really earnestly love Guy Fieri as well and I would LOVE to eat at Johnny Garlic’s and please respect the both of us by never pronouncing it “fee-air-ee” and also don’t fuck with me. Thanks for listening.
Do you ever run into any obstacles when you’re trying to be earnest online?
Sometimes I feel weird tweeting about social justice or more personal intimate things when my last tweet before that is like, “my pussy just farted in line at starbucks can anyone relate,” but, I mean, I never said I was a role model.
Jenny Nelson lives and writes in Brooklyn and works at Funny Or Die.