Where do we begin? Kanye appeared on The Ellen DeGeneres Show Thursday. It wasn't like most episodes of Ellen — there were no scares, no embarrassing photos, and only one or two questions that are none of Ellen's business. Instead, what the world and Ellen got was quite possibly the greatest 13 minutes of daytime television since Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah's couch. In fact, this is exactly Tom Cruise jumping on Oprah's couch — only exponentially blacker. It started with a harmless interview about whether Kanye wants more kids ("maybe, perhaps," silence). It then progressed to what was probably supposed to be another interview solely about his Twitter regrets (he has none; "what's the point in thinking?"), but boy, did Ellen get so much more.
You may remember Kanye's fondness for TED talks, or as some like to call them when Kanye's the one speaking, rants. Well, what happened next was an eight-minute stream of consciousness speech that should win him the 2020 presidency and Ellen her next Emmy. Watch up top as Ellen sits in silent bewilderment while Kanye lectures middle America on the pursuit of happiness, changing the world, #OscarsSoWhite, hip-hop, bullying, racism, being "the Michael Jackson of apparel" — essentially, all "the realness" not usually fit for daytime TV.
And just when you were already astonished no one has given Kanye his own talk show yet, he humored Ellen with one of her silly games. He played the 5 Second Rule to his own amusement, which means you get to enjoy Kanye shouting "balls, balls, balls!" Mr. West is in the building and he just set it on fire. Engrave his name on the Emmy next to Ellen's.