The Real Housewives of Dallas Recap: Bryan Is the Worst

Brandi Redmond. Photo: Bravo
The Real Housewives of Dallas
Episode Title
Locken Loaded
Editor’s Rating

Bryan sucks. I know that's not a polite way to start a recap, but after tonight's episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas, that's how I feel. He is cold, impersonal, oblivious, and straight-up disrespectful when Brandi tries to talk through their problems. That's what anyone in their right mind would do after sensing a clear and uncomfortable distance between her and her spouse: Figure out a plan to fix things and bounce back stronger. Isn't that what married couples are supposed to do? Well, Bryan doesn't think so. He acts like a complete buffoon, but more on that later. There are quite a few other things to discuss in "Locken Loaded," so let's get to it, shall we?

We open with Travis hanging at home with the family. He and Stephanie want to redecorate their kids' room. According to Stephanie, he has poor taste in interior decoration, as exhibited by the two samurai statues outside their home that she nicknamed Oprah and Gayle. I think we can all agree that instead of watching this trifling business, we should have been reading some James Baldwin or Stephen Hawking, but nobody's perfect. Let's all carry on, destroying our brain cells with this nonsense. Cool? Cool.

The couple hire an interior decorator to redo Chance and Cruz's room. UM, THESE KIDS ARE UNDER THE AGE OF EIGHT, RIGHT? They do not need a room that looks like a display model at Crate and Barrel. They should have a bedroom with a hole in the wall that their dad promises to spackle over, but he doesn't do it until they graduate from high school. That's what childhood is: Parents too weary to make your stuff look good. It builds character. Chance and Cruz might be lost causes. Anyway, by episode's end, we see the new room, decked out in Dallas Cowboys stuff. Very cute. But this is a very weak plot.

We catch up with Brandi, who is obviously still feeling down about her marriage to professional asshat Bryan. As much as she can be annoying with the other ladies, no one deserves to be with a spouse who doesn't give a damn about their needs. I'm sorry, boo. At least she finds some solace by hanging out with Marie and teaching Marie's 10-year-old daughter how to dance. Unfortunately, Marie wants the instruction to be like:

But Brandi does it like:

LOL. Brandi is ridiculous. I love her for it and so does Marie, apparently. Aww, cute. But Marie has no love for LeeAnne — wait, since when? I thought they were friends? I'm guessing that disastrous cocktail party was the straw that broke the camel's back because Marie starts trash-talking LeeAnne to Tiffany and saying all these accurate things about how LeeAnne is boo boo. I totally agree with her assessment, but why in the hell would she think that Tiffany wouldn't immediately snitch to LeeAnne? We all know Tiff is ride or die for LeeAnne like Bones's husband is for Bones on that TV show Bones.

(Y'all, Bones reruns are always playing at my gym, but somehow, the only character's name I know is Bones. Everyone else? "Black Lady Who Works With Bones," "Young White Dude Who Was on Freaks & Geeks and Now Works With Bones," "Beige Person in the Background Behind Bones." Sorry not sorry, y'all. I ain't got the time to get deep with Bones. I'm still trying to catch up on NYPD Blue.)

So, Marie dissed LeeAnne to Tiffany, who texted LeeAnne, who is now telling bae about this garbage and he's looking like, "I have a job. Why am I putting up with this?" That's what we're all thinking, Rick. LeeAnne wants to confront Marie and Tiffany is going to be there. LOL. Tiffany loves the drama, y'all. Tiffany claims she's a peacemaker, but I feel like her ass is always up in the middle of things like she's Iyanla Vanzant. Plenty of these "fights" would not even be that big of a deal if Tiffany never said anything. Marie needs to quiet down, too. Why is she now dissing LeeAnne to Brandi? Marie:

You can't be like, "I love her. We've been friends for 20 years" and then read her to filth behind her back. Marie is ignorant and perfect for the Real Housewives franchise. Carry on.

We catch up with Cary and Mark who are shoppi — zzzzz. Sorry. He gets her to try on a bunch of dresses, he gets a boner, and then they buy stuff. They need a new story line, y'all. Oh, here's one! Cary needs to update the photos on his website. He takes photos of her and posts them as ads his wor — zzzzz. I should have been clear: They need a new and good story line. You know why this story line is trash? During the photo shoot, Cary is like, "Oh, I'm 39. My body is not as great as it used to be. I need Photoshop." Cut to her looking like:

Which makes me go:

Stephanie playing the "Oh, I'm not that good looking" card is hot garbage. She is stunning. Y'all, if faux-lack-of-confidence is going to be the story line, I'm out.

We catch up with LeeAnne and Tiffany. LeeAnne has printed out the text messages that Marie sent. LOL. This isn't Making a Murderer, dude. You do not need exhibits A through E, but two snaps for your preparedness, I suppose. The two women head over to Marie's house, then get out of their car to pray in the driveway. Guess they needed to send a quick message to God to help them get through this confrontation. We all know God is like:

Seriously, do these two fools think God is wasting his time on this nonsense? Tiffany and LeeAnne: Get. A. Grip.

LeeAnne and Tiffany go inside Marie's house and the three ladies sit on the couch. The confrontation starts out fine. Marie is like, "How's everyone doing?" LOL. Marie, you know gahtdamn well how everyone is doing. LeeAnne reads from the printouts and Marie is like, "I tried to say all this stuff to you." LOL, the sequel. Marie, please stop. We all know how B.S. friendships work. Y'all eat french toast and eggs together, then you say how much you can't stand the other person when they are out of your sight. LeeAnne is pissed, so she starts screaming and cursing. Oh. Dear. Tiffany is making a face like, "Why am I spending my whole life being the Julia Roberts to this fool's Catherine Zeta-Jones in America's Sweethearts? I am too hot for this mess." And yes, that joke was for the 17 people who have seen America's Sweethearts. Before long, Tiffany mediates the situation, Marie apologizes, and everything is good again.

Across town, Brandi calls Bryan, who is on his way back to Dallas. She wants to go out on a date. He sounds as enthusiastic as I do when someone asks me if I want to eat floor Cheetos. We later learn in the confessional that she is worried about the dinner because Bryan "hates drama." #RedFlagNation! If your significant other sees attempts to deepen your relationship as "drama," please get out the hell out because your significant other is a damn fool. Relationships require talking and problem solving. Duh dot fucking com, guys.

It's date night. Bryan opens the door for her, which it's a big deal because he goes, "Let me open the door for you since I never do that." WHAT. THE. HELL. He thinks treating his wife in a special way is … opening the door? He sucks. Anyway, conversation is pretty minimal while Brandi's voice-over narrates: "Bryan has emotionally and physically checked out." OOF. This is heartbreaking, especially because whenever she does talk about her relationship in a confessional, she always tries to end everything with a smile, which means she's in even more pain because she's not letting any of the sadness out. She doesn't feel comfortable sharing this pain with the person she desperately wants to open up to. Back to the dinner.

Brandi is practically walking on eggshells when she tells Bryan that she wants him around more. She thinks they don't communicate well because they're not together enough. He just blank stares at her and looks irritated. He says nothing and takes a drink, so she keeps going. She knows how hard he works, and because of that, she feels like she doesn't get enough attention because he travels so much. Again, this is a very reasonable statement. He repeats it back to her in an "Are you freaking kidding me?" tone. Then he goes, "I give you all the attention." WUT?! You're never home and you never see her. When the hell are you giving Brandi attention? She keeps trying to explain that things are tough because of their schedules and she wants them to work on it. His reply? "Sure." He looks away for a moment, then stares her down when she asks if she did something wrong. His answer? "Yeah." She wants to know what she did. He won't answer and just keeps staring at her until she starts crying. He goes, "You're going to cry? Seriously?" Then he gets up and leaves her at the restaurant.

FUCK YOU TIMES INFINITY, BRYAN. You do realize she is only crying because you're dismissing her like she is a dumb dog, right? You pick your nose and bite your toenails. You are lucky to be married to a woman who happily raises your kids while you're out on the road. Stop with the one-word answers, stop being annoyed that Brandi wants to spend time with you, stop making her feel like a weirdo for wanting to be close to you, and stop being agitated because she's not just a pretty doll that you get to bang when you're in town. How dare you, dude? YOU'RE GOING TO WALK OUT ON YOUR WIFE AS SHE'S CRYING ABOUT HOW YOUR MARRIAGE IS GOING THROUGH A ROUGH PATCH?! Die in a fire, Bryan. I'll bring the marshmallows.

Alrighty, what did you think of tonight's episode? Are you as upset with Bryan as I am? Are you sick of LeeAnne's drama? Who else likes Marie and her messy ways?