Happy Memorial Day, boos! I slept in, ate my weight in fried food, drank rosé, called a bunch of friends … yeah, I agree with you. How is any of this relevant to Memorial Day? How is this an appropriate way to honor soldiers who died while serving? It's not, but part of being American is using national holidays to live your most gluttonous and slothlike life. And I succeeded!
Anyway, this week's episode of The Real Housewives of Dallas is a total snoozefest. It's about Stephanie's husband, Travis, and his dumb-ass birthday (who cares?), Zuri, who is Cary and Mark's daughter, and her birthday (I didn't even know Cary and Mark had a kid!), and LeeAnne making amends with people when we know damn well she'll mess things up next week. (Lol. Why bother, Lee?) None of these things were particularly compelling, so I gave negative damns the whole time I watched. Maybe I'm being harsh, so let's discuss everything that went down. Cool?
We open with Stephanie and Travis discussing his birthday. Given the history of his birthday, this is a really stressful task: He likes things over the top, which is why she once rented a 50,000-square-foot house in Mexico and flew all his friends out … zzzz. Sorry, but how is this hard?! Stephanie doesn't work, she uses her husband's money to pay for everything, she probably sent three emails telling people when to show up, and then checked Airbnb to secure a house, which takes about five minutes. I love Stephanie, but planning an unnecessarily extravagant birthday party is not something I'm going to feel bad about.
Just when I couldn't roll my eyes hard enough, Travis is like, "I want you to jump out of a cake." And then he spends the rest of the episode talking about how much he wants that cake wish. WE HEARD YOUR ASS THE FIRST TIME, TRAVIS. Also, having a woman jump out of a cake for you feels very Singin' in the Rain, and Travis is no Gene Kelly. He is basic AF, so he should just be happy that he's getting more than a $35 iTunes gift card. Look, I'm not saying you shouldn't request stuff for your birthday, but they agreed that she was going to surprise him with something nice and then he's like, "How about I have my assistant Courtney go with you and she'll make sure you do things right, like ask how much renting a venue costs."
Seriously, Stephanie is not an idiot. The first rule of renting a venue space is asking how much it costs to rent that venue space. I hate how condescending Travis is to her. He acts like she's constantly screwing things up, which she's really not. Oy. Also? Maybe don't marry someone who talks down to you all the time. Cool? Cool.
Anyway, Stephanie brings both Courtney and Brandi to a swanky-looking restaurant, where they decide on a theme: The Great Gatsby. Everybody likes it! Brandi makes a joke about how they should make a fake letter of commendation from President Obama to give to Travis. Courtney and Stephanie hate it! Which makes sense. Who wants to be pranked on their birthday? Not I! Then Steph drops the bomb that she wants to invite LeeAnne to the birthday party, so Brandi and Lee need to clear the air. #Awkward.
Next up, we catch up with Mark and Cary. They have a daughter named Zuri, who is turning 3 years old. I did not know this. Did you know this? Mark wants to buy Zuri an obscene number of gifts. Knowing what I know about him, I assumed he would do this. Later, we get to meet Zuri — and she is so cute! AWW! I l love this! Then we join Rick and LeeAnne, who are talking over lunch. Wait, scratch that. LeeAnne is doing most of the talking and bae gets a few words in. She will be the keynote speaker at the Grace Project, which is cool, and she's going to share her life experience and talk about how she was molested as a child. Oof. So awful. As much as I hate on LeeAnne, I love that she's brave enough to share her story to help others.
It's the day of the keynote speech and LeeAnne knocks it out of the park. Stephanie is there to witness it, and I think this makes their relationship a lot stronger. Steph is moved. She sees LeeAnne as more than just a drama queen. We follow Stephanie back home with her family. Once dinner is over, she confronts Travis about micromanaging her and he explains it's because his mom did the same with him. Okay, that's understandable, but he needs to work on it because it clearly bothers Stephanie. She's on the verge of tears from trying to be perfect all the time. Yikes. It's like a Lifetime movie up in here.
Since LeeAnne is coming to the birthday party, Brandi decides to call her to hash things out. The phone call is pretty much like this:
It is full of awkward pauses, but they eventually work it out and agree to meet for lunch. Dun, dun, dun! They show up, sit down, talk it out civilly, and clear the air. Cut to me like:
Did they forget they were on a Real Housewives show? Did they think they were on Oprah's SuperSoul Sunday mess? Brandi and LeeAnne, I'm not here for y'all to be acting sensibly. I'm here for y'all to be so ignorant that your family decides to change their family crest to: "I Don't Know Those Dumb Heauxes." Brandi and LeeAnne, you have screwed this up. Don't let it happen again.
A bunch of boring stuff happens after that: Brandi and Stephanie go dress-shopping and talk about the end of the LeeAnne drama, then Cary and Mark keep discussing how Cary's wedding dress happens to be jazzy enough to fit within the Gatsby theme, so she's going to wear it. OUCH! This episode is full of dead air, y'all. Moving on.
It's the night of Travis's birthday party. AND NOTHING INTERESTING HAPPENS! Everyone arrives and oohs and aahs over their dresses. Brandi and LeeAnne get along like gangbusters. Brandi announces that she wants to do a girls' trip for her, Stephanie's, and Cary's birthdays — and LeeAnne is invited, of course. Cary looks stunned, mainly because she can't move her face because of all the Botox. But that's it! It looks like we'll have to wait until this road trip to Austin for any juicy drama.
We close with Travis and Stephanie at home. She surprises him by coming out of a cake. He gets a giant boner. Roll credits. What the hell did we just watch, y'all?! I want my money and time back.
All righty, what did you think of tonight's episode? Am I being too harsh? Did you also think it was boring?