Get out your deep Vs and your hair gel: The twelfth season of The Bachelorette is nearly upon us. And before 26 eligible bachelors who allegedly don’t have girlfriends at home step onto the risers on May 23 and wait nervously to receive a rose from JoJo, ABC has given us a rundown of who, exactly, are the men vying for the 25-year-old real estate developer’s heart. Based on our intimate knowledge of the show, here’s who we think will go far — or at least cause a scene worth watching.
Jordan, 27, Former Pro Quarterback
Why you picked him: Exclusively because he is Green Bay Packers quarterback Aaron Rodgers’s brother and also a former pro quarterback. There is nothing super extraordinary about his answers but, come on, of course he’s gonna go far. He’ll be the blank slate hottie who always is alluding to never quite measuring up to his brother. Also, his hair looks like if the chocolate river from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was instead a wave pool.
Best bio quote: Asked about the wildest thing he’s done in the bedroom, he replied, “Try to hang a TV on the wall without directions or a stud finder.” So, he’s funny-ish. Plus, this could lead to a really great “stud finder” joke getting out of the limo.
What kind of contestant will he be? He’ll probably be the “so this is definitely who she is going to pick but let’s go through the charade of making this look like a close race” guy.
Achilles heel: All the other guys will only want to talk to him about Aaron and it’ll eventually make him crack.
Daniel, 31, Male Model
Why you picked him: All his answers are such garbage. But … who can resist a model? Yes, I’d like to think JoJo is more evolved than the Ben Flajniks of the world, but we do have the fantasy suite to consider. He’ll be the guy who is constantly looking in the mirror, the hottie who complains about the way all the other guys eat.
Best bio quote: In response to a question about if he has tattoos: “No — same reason you don’t put stickers on a Lambo.” (Because it would make it too cool?) Runner-up goes to this response to a question about if he’s comfortable wearing swimwear in public: “Very comfortable. Why have a Lambo if you park it in the garage?” (Because it rains sometimes and you are practical while still being ostentatious.) Anyway, he thinks he’s a car.
What kind of contestant will he be? I assume he’ll be the one who coasts off of looks all the way to the fantasy suite (but definitely checks out the waitress and maybe slips her his number along the way) and then gets promptly dismissed.
Achilles heel: He definitely didn’t remember to pack hair gel for all the international travel, and when that goes away, he’ll crumble. How else is going to keep his hair looking like it’s one solid piece of hair that covers his whole head?
Wells, 31, Radio DJ
Why you picked him: You always have to pick the guy who you’re kind of into, who seems smart and sweet and cute, who you, against your better judgment, want to go far. The nice, cool guy that you want to date never wins — it’s always a hottie — but you pick him anyway, because he’s the one who JoJo goes to when she just wants to unwind, clear her head, talk about how stressed she is. That’s who she was for Ben, after all.
Best bio quote: The most outrageous thing he’s done is “a great white shark cage dive in South Africa.” Pretty outrageous.
What kind of contestant he will be? He seems like the guy who will be everyone’s friend, who will just be really down to hang, but won’t necessarily focus on JoJo. Either that, or he will focus too much and she’ll be turned off.
Achilles heel: Probably doesn’t bring enough crazy. He’s maybe there to further his DJ career. Also, maybe his hair is too soft.
Chad, 28, Luxury Real Estate Agent
Why you picked him: Every season needs a relentlessly alpha asshole whom the Bachelorette just can’t help but be attracted to. It helps if his name is as hilariously on the nose as Chad’s. Plus, if you’re playing by the rules of Vulture’s Bachelor/Bachelorette fantasy league, you’ll want to draft a few controversial characters to rack up the points. And there’s nothing more controversial than a thoroughly unshaven neck, like Chad’s. You could say neckbeards are the hanging chads of the Bachelorette-iverse.
Best bio quote: Completing reams of survey questions can be tiring, so after Chad used his brainpower to declare that his greatest achievement to date is “being born good looking,” he settled on a reusable go-to response. (Speaking of reusable, Chad, did you know most razors are reusable? You didn’t have stop shaving your neck forever.) Asked who he admires most in the world, who he would want to be for one day, and who he would most like to have lunch with, Chad wrote, “Myself in 10 years. Alright, alright, alright.” Little does he know, in ten years, his neck hair will gain sentience and take over his body.
What kind of contestant will he be? The one who stirs the pot and everybody hates because he brags about his front-runner status.
Achilles heel: His confidence, which he ironically lists as one of his best qualities. The minute this guy catches a glimpse of another guy making out with JoJo, he’s going to fly into a rage.
Luke, 31, War Veteran
Why you picked him: It’s pretty obvious when guys are cast to bring the crazy. It’s also pretty obvious when they’re cast to be a genuine contender for the Bachelorette’s heart. Meet Luke, a shockingly good-looking war veteran with perfectly unremarkable answers on his questionnaire about how marriage is a partnership between two people who are “friends, lovers, and soulmates.”
Best answer: If he could have lunch with one person, it would be Mark Cuban. Do we smell a Shark Tank crossover episode? Please, ABC, force the bachelors to make pitches in the shark tank for JoJo’s heart. (Also, please remember to explain to Wells it’s a different shark tank.)
What kind of contestant will he be? The serious contender who doesn’t win and becomes the next Bachelor. You heard it here first!
Achilles heel: He lists one of his three best attributes as “competence.” What about excellence, Luke? Aim higher! This is the Bachelorette!
Grant, 27, Firefighter
Why you picked him: From the sheer number of athletes and men in uniform in the cast, it’s clear that JoJo has a thing for jocks. But can Grant rise above the rest? Think of it this way: Does the sentence, “JoJo sent home Grant, the tattooed firefighter who once saved a life, on the first night of the show” make any sense to you? The answer is a resounding “of course not.”
Best answer: On if he considers himself a romantic: “Yes, even if I’m just hooking up with a girl, I still do cute stuff for them all the time.” Awww.
What kind of contestant will he be? The really attractive one who flies under the radar.
Achilles heel: His past. In the questionnaire alone, he mentioned being slapped in public by an ex, which means he’s had at least one volatile relationship. And if Chris Harrison’s comments to Yahoo TV are any indication, it sounds like he might have come off a very serious recent relationship. Then again, if you’d like to be an optimist and consider the relationships on this show “real,” then so has JoJo.