Every woman knows there’s a fine, fine, fine line between “passionate” and “leaves a note written in his own blood on your door.” The very human embodiment of that line is the CHAD.
Host Chris tries to ameliorate the situation by giving the CHAD an opportunity to make things right. He just has to say something to the rest of the contesticles without threatening to wear their spines like a necktie. So, the CHAD does his best impression of a compassionate human and asks the guys to just leave him alone because the CHAD is not here to start fights, and a few of them are good guys … probably. Evan immediately asks for an apology and a new shirt. Evan, fucking relax. I’m sure you’ll be able to replace that perfectly distressed wide V-neck soon enough.
Once again, the CHAD is not wrong. The CHAD usually just minds his own business, eating entire heads of cabbage and deadlifting patio chairs while the rest of the contesticles murmur about him behind his back or to JoJo. Sure, the CHAD is unable to relate to men in any meaningful peaceful way, but his presence on The Bachelorette doesn’t require him to interact with the other contesticles. He could sit in his room eating whole ham hocks until it’s time for the rose ceremony and no one would mind. Ugh, I’m oddly sympathetic to the CHAD, and I’m hating myself.
James Tee lays down the law. Maybe if everyone ignores the CHAD, he will not pummel everyone. That’s literally all he’s been asking for. It’s perfectly reasonable.
It’s time for the pool party! Woo! When JoJo arrives at the house ready to party, the CHAD intercepts her at the door. This guy is good. The cocktail parties stress JoJo out, and there’s been a bit of drama, so, naturally, she decides to have fun by demanding the contesticles take their shirts off and do her bidding. Dive into the pool in formation! Chicken-fight to the death! Ride inflatable swans, you bitches! JoJo demands sexual amusement. Because Evan is made of glass and pettiness, he smashes his nose, and the pool has to be emptied and sterilized. JoJo takes some time to float around with each of the guys, making sure to keep her false eyelashes dry. When it’s time for her to have some one-on-one time with Jordan, she leaps into his arms and wraps her legs around his waist. Good Lord, JoJo. Keep it in your pants.
JoJo sits down with the CHAD and remarks that even he’s having fun. He’s quiet and minding his own business. He wants to know how she can be interested in him and Evan at the same time. It’s like, do you want ice cream or do you want steak? Armchair psychologist here. JoJo previously said that she tends to like bad boys, so I think some of these guys (AHEM, EVAN) are her attempt to course-correct from her bad-boy-loving ways. She wants steak. She wants to take a big ol’ bite of that steak. That’s why the CHAD is still here.
After the pool party, it’s time for the rose ceremony. The guys take off their bathing suits and puka-shell body-mic necklaces and wait for JoJo. Grant, Derek, Jordan, Luke, Robby, Wells, James F. (who?), Vinny, Daniel, Alex, and the CHAD all get roses. Alex and Evan are completely fixated on the CHAD. They are shocked that he’s still there. I’m not.
But Ali and Christian, you dear, sweet, beautiful men of color. You were too pure and too cute for this world. Your unique looks doomed you. You’ll be missed.
JoJo thinks it’s time to leave the drama and nonsense of the Bachelor Mansion behind, so she’s taking the remaining contesticles to the Fatbird Resort in Nemacolin, Pennsylvania. Yeah, because the mansion is the problem. JoJo flies to the Fatbird Resort in a biplane, ready to take Luke on the first one-on-one date. They’re going to mush around the wilderness in a dog-drawn, sled-riding lawnmower hybrid. There’s just something about Luke that catches JoJo’s eye. She really wants this relationship to move forward, so she asks him to strip down and join her in an old-timey hot tub. The water is too hot, so Luke picks up JoJo by the ass and gently dips her into the water. “He’s a real gentleman,” JoJo says. Girl, he just had his hand up your butthole. Luke tells JoJo a heartfelt story about his best friend dying in combat, and JoJo flatly musters, “Oh. Wow. That’s hard,” and “Were there things that haunt you?” C’mon, JoJo. You can’t ask if things are haunting people. Luke gets a rose.
For the next date card, Derek, James Tee, Daniel, Chase, Wells, Vinny, James F. (WHO?), Evan, Grant, Jordan, and Robby are going to go all the way with JoJo. No, they’re not going to bang her … yet. They’re going to hang out in Pittsburgh at Heinz Field with alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger! Yay! The guys will play a game of touch football, and by process of elimination, Alex and the CHAD will go on a two-on-one date because of course. James Tee busts his head open during a drill and refuses stitches so he can finish the day. He gets all bandaged up, like Jack Lemmon in a screwball ‘60s comedy after a chandelier falls on his head. Jordan tries to shine but ultimately loses the group-date rose to Evan, who somehow manages to get another nose bleed. Oh! At the cocktail party after the football game, Robby picks JoJo up and puts her on the pool table to make out with her like they’re in the beginning of a porno. He’s trying. He’s really trying, you guys.
It’s time for the two-on-one date with the CHAD and Alex. The two men sit across from each other and lay out each other’s flaws. Alex is a whiny little bitch. The CHAD is insecure. Let’s do this!
JoJo has decided to let herself be taken to a second location by the CHAD-Bear and a chicken hawk, offering up a hike to nowhere with these two thick-necked weirdos. After climbing over logs and hacking at them with machetes, the trio arrives at a blanket on a rock with a rose on a block of wood. This is the saddest arrival destination for a two-on-one date. After some silent awkward rock-sitting, JoJo takes Alex away for a little one-on-one time. In an ITM interview, the CHAD says that if Alex mentions his name, “I’ll be taking his teeth home.” Then he licks his lips. No. No. No. No. No. You’re losing me, the CHAD. You’re losing your one fan.
Alex spends every minute of time with JoJo talking about how two-faced the CHAD is and how no one in the house gets along with him. JoJo is shocked by what she hears. It’s not like she warned the CHAD about his aggressive behavior before or anything. Oh well. She sits down with him to find out just what is going on. He’s usually so sensitive and attentive with her. It’s not like violent men change their personality to seduce people and trick them into intimacy. Yep, I’m off the the CHAD train again. JoJo says she needs time alone to think, some time to consult with the producers about whether she’s entertained the CHAD long enough. The CHAD wanders back through the woods, whistling an eerie tune like he’s one of the children in The Witch. He tells Alex that he’s not mad; he’s just disappointed. Honestly, that’s scarier. He also says, “Life ain’t all blueberries and paper planes.” Umm … sure. JoJo returns to give out the date rose. She lets the CHAD know that he really let her down, so she has to give the rose to Alex. In other words, Alex didn’t earn it. He won it by default. Romance!
JoJo and Alex retire to a cabin where they stare into each other’s eyes and continue to talk about the CHAD, while the CHAD stars in his own version of The Revenant and walks back to the guys’ house after being dismissed from the show. He knocks on the window and drags his fingertips down the glass pane.
This has officially become a horror movie, and I AM HERE FOR IT.