The Real Housewives of Dallas
Phoebe’s away this week, so I’ll be recapping the nutty women of Dallas in her stead. And, my oh my, this one is a doozy!
We open with the classic Real Housewives pre-trip montage. Brandi, who was “intervented” by Jesus Juice, was moved to invite LeeAnne and Tiffany on the girls’ trip to Austin that she and Stephanie planned to celebrate Stephanie and Cary’s birthday. Stephanie reasonably has some anxiety about getting everyone together in her house. Wait, I’m confused. It’s Stephanie’s house, too?! It seems that it is. Stephanie’s husband, Travis, and Brandi’s husband, Brian, so love each other that they bought a second home together. Ahhhh. Now I know why Brian is so dismissive of Brandi’s feelings: His bromance is his primary relationship.
LeeAnne and Tiffany are both looking forward to getting to know Brandi better. Cary is packing, and her husband is micromanaging her. Do you get a weird Kanye-and-Kim vibe from these two? The husband asserting dominance by dressing up his wife like a doll? It seems sweet at first, but Cary is obviously exasperated. She can’t help but take the opportunity to jab at Leanne for being jealous of her lifestyle, though I’m not sure this is the case. LeeAnne doesn’t seem to want your life, Cary. You don’t even seem to want your life.
The Housewives (plus Marie and Cary’s friend, Courtney) all meet to get on a party bus to Austin. Champagne and doughnuts abound, and the women quickly get wasted. Brandi has to pee, but instead of making the bus stop for a restroom break, she crouches behind a makeshift curtain held up by Cary and Stephanie. I want to be disgusted, but I’m pretty impressed by her ability to get it all in a cup without any spillage. Mad skills, girl! LeeAnne is vocal about her disgust, and Brandi counters by revealing that she knows about the night LeeAnne pooped in a bag! LeeAnne denies that it ever happened, but Stephanie and Brandi tell her that Taylor, the gossip we met at Marie’s cocktail party, was adamant that it did because he heard it from Marie. Messy, messy Marie. Marie denies spreading the rumor. LeeAnne confirms to the audience that the incident did take place, though she doesn’t immediately admit it to the other Housewives. I would never admit such a thing on national television. I’d be like, “What do you mean, ‘pooped myself’? I’ve never pooped. I don’t even know what poop is! Don’t be silly. I do charity! Here in Dallas society, we don’t poop!”
The poop talk is still happening when the women arrive at the house, so we learn the details of the Poop Incident. LeeAnne wanted to be skinny to fit into a birthday dress and took laxatives to help the process along. She then drank too much booze that night … and, well, you know. Just buy the right size, people! I’d rather tell everyone my actual size than poop myself while trapped in a size-4 cocoon, sitting in my own waste. LeeAnne is visibly irritated with Marie — I don’t blame her — but Marie insists she is not the one who told.
Eventually, the private chef arrives. Brandi needs help cooking because she can’t even be trusted to make a cup of tea without almost killing her husband. While the chef cooks, Brandi, LeeAnne, and Tiffany are all loose enough to open up to one another. Brandi tells them about her brother’s PTSD and LeeAnne relates, as her partner Rich is also suffering from the disorder. Brandi is appreciative of LeeAnne’s advice. These women finally seem to be bonding.
Dinner is served, and the women continue to drink throughout their meal. Brandi is plastered, but fun plastered. She falls out of her seat while the other women laugh hysterically. There’s a lot of mirth in the air, which in the Real Housewives universe only means evil must be on the horizon.
And indeed it is. The next morning, we see broken glass on the floor as Cary, Brandi, and Stephanie recount the huge freak-out LeeAnne apparently had overnight. Cary has cell-phone footage of LeeAnne bellowing threats at Marie, while the sound of glass breaking can be heard in the background. LeeAnne, per their telling, threatened to slaughter Marie and get her “carnie-style.” Yikes.
At Tiffany’s prodding, LeeAnne goes to find Marie, ostensibly to smooth things over. Instead, LeeAnne further aggresses Marie, only now using muted tones. Marie still denies telling Taylor about the Poop Incident, while expressing alarm about the way LeeAnne handled herself. “You threatened to KILL ME!” Marie shrieks. LeeAnne replies, “Okay, what you think is killing and what I think is killing are two different things.” WHAT?! Is there a “carnie” provision in Texas’s murder statutes? LeeAnne, do not try to gaslight this woman. Killing is killing. It has been that way since Cain killed Abel.
Marie recounts how LeeAnne stalked her around the house, threatening to gut her. LeeAnne continues to try to gaslight Marie, at which point Cary, Stephanie, and Brandi come out to defend Marie. LeeAnne is deflecting, playing semantics and trying to explain away her horrid behavior by claiming that she was hurt. You may very well have been, LeeAnne, but threatening to gut your friend is a more-than-outsize reaction to some hurt feelings over a poop story. Marie is too scared to forcefully call out LeeAnne’s behavior, even with Cary and Stephanie’s support. Tiffany sticks up for LeeAnne. Cary, Stephanie, and Brandi don’t buy it, and LeeAnne plays victim.
LeeAnne, feeling ganged up on, tries to call a cab and leave, but Tiffany goes outside to find her and calm her down. LeeAnne doesn’t understand why the other women won’t let it go, saying, “It’s not okay for me to be human, but it’s okay for Cary to steal her man from a married woman.” Holy false equivalence, Batman! Being abusive isn’t just a flaw that makes one human, LeeAnne. And there is a huge difference between two consenting adults having a maybe-shady start to their relationship, and a woman threatening her best friend with physical harm because she may have blabbed a poop story. This is ridiculous!
Later, Brandi coaxes LeeAnne into staying for the spa day she planned. Cary sums up the craziness for us with “It’s funny that all this began with LeeAnne shitting in a bag,” before bursting into laughter. When you put it that way, it’s hilarious.
Marie and LeeAnne try to make up yet again, and this time it works because Marie seems to take responsibility in a way that absolves LeeAnne of having to be accountable for her behavior. This is gross to watch. I don’t get the dynamic between those two women, and I’m not sure I want to. It sure does seem stressful. Marie has looked frightened in every scene since her first appearance on the show.
The Housewives go out to dinner to celebrate Cary, Stephanie, and LeeAnne’s birthdays. All the women are trying to have a decent time, but LeeAnne refuses to engage with the rest of them. Eye-roll. If you’re just gonna sulk and be a drain, why not just stay home? Why go out to a nice dinner and be a bummer?! While the other women try to have a light conversation, Cary notices that LeeAnne is on her phone. She tells LeeAnne to put her phone away, which begins another spat. Tiffany, resident bodyguard, defends LeeAnne, suggesting that she feels attacked. Um, you mean attacked the way Marie was attacked last night, Tiffany? Brandi is annoyed at Tiffany’s blind support of LeeAnne, and calls Tiffany out for talking in circles. Tiffany then insults Brandi and the rest of the group’s intelligence. Brandi just leaves the table. She’s a better woman than me, because Tiffany would be read for filth if she ever dared to call me anything other than my name while walking around with a best friend as disgusting as LeeAnne. Stephanie reminds Tiffany that she keeps terrible company in LeeAnne, then ends Tiffany’s protestations with a tart “It’s none of your business what happens between LeeAnne and Marie.”
Okay, what did you think of the episode? Would you have left the table like Brandi did? Do you have any idea what “carnie-style” means? Is RHOD finally getting good?