In a bunker hidden deep within the Rocky Mountains, heads of state from around the globe meet to decide if the weapon should be released one more time. A military leader says that the time to strike is now. A prime minister reminds him what happened the last time the weapon was activated. Chaos and destruction rolled over the country. And strangely, farm animals went missing. Finally, the president of the United States of Goddamn America turns around in her chair and says, “Do it. I love this shit.”
And so, the CHAD is back.
It’s time for the “Men Tell All” special, and I’m gonna be honest: There’s not a whole lot here. The contesticles and the CHAD have a weird homoerotic fascination with each other. Luke and Chase (still, who?) get a little misty when they talk about being sent home after saying, “I love you.” Not a good look, JoJo. No one even addresses the fact that Christian and Ali were just the cutest, but didn’t get any camera time. Vinny now has the same haircut as the other two-thirds of contesticles, and I found out it’s called “the Flow” and I hate that.
Am I done yet? No? Ugggggggh.
Host Chris welcomes us to the special by advertising things that are not the special. We get a preview of Bachelor in Paradise, and I’m very disappointed that Wells is going after Ashley I. Nick Viall is going, Jubilee will be there, Jared again, and the Twins, who seem resigned to a lifetime of getting called each other’s names.
We get some silly little bloopers before the show really starts. The dosh khaleen of Bachelorette women gave JoJo some big panties to wear in the fantasy suite. James Tee made guacamole with his bare hands. The CHAD ate a bunch of lunch meat staring into a fire. We’re off to a great start, huh?
As the contesticles sit before Host Chris, I’m really stunned I could ever tell some of these guys apart. A handful of these men never even said a word on camera. How many Jameses are there? Three? James T., F., and Q.? That sounds right. We get a montage of the men dealing with all the undirected testosterone in the house. Unfortunately, they all eventually turn on each other, starting with the CHAD. That charge was famously lead by Alex. Luke sizes him up (no pun intended), and says that when some people leave the military, they’re still looking for a fight or a chance to be a hero. Alex just picked the lowest stakes to do so. Luke gets several rounds of applause for mentioning he was in the military, and Alex doesn’t get anything. Alex also had a problem with Derek for being a crybaby or something. Once the CHAD left, Alex needed a new target.
Well, it’s finally time to bring the CHAD out, and he’s accompanied by an extra dressed as a security guard. The CHAD tells the same ol’ story, except this time he sprinkles it with extra misogyny. He’s using the fact that he slept with Robby and Grant’s exes as some sort of leverage. (And he totally slept with them. No one is buying this “we’re just friends” thing.) He’s like a man who takes hostages, then immediately tries to neg the hostage negotiator. I guess the CHAD wants to show how Grant and Robby weren’t there for the right reasons — or that they’re unworthy partners because of the ways they broke up with their exes — but he just comes off like the villain in a very special episode of Boy Meets World.
Nick B. (Saint Nick for those who care or remember) takes his jacket off to challenge the CHAD to a fight. I’m exhausted by the attention-seeking tactics of fragile men. I’ve been watching the political conventions. I’ve seen enough bruised male egos lately. What are we supposed to get from this? What revelations will this unearth?
The CHAD is still a jerk. Alex is still a chicken hawk lil’ guy. Evan is still petty and camera footage showed him trying to shove the CHAD. I guess the only revelation is that the Derek-CHAD feud started because the CHAD believed Derek moved his protein powder. The CHAD’s parting words before he gives up the hot seat are: “I don’t regret 99 percent of the things that happened. I was getting shit-talked night and day in front of 10 million people. I thought it could make them be quiet. Sometimes you choose apples when you should have chosen pickles.” Sure, dude. Sure.
It’s time for Luke and Chase to take their turns in the hot seat. They’re both guys who said “I love you” to JoJo, and she immediately dismissed them. In Luke’s case, he didn’t seize the moment and did it too late. Chase was a human male who did and said things. Luke gets to talks about his military service. The producers measure the female-swoon factor in the audience to see if he would be a good Bachelor.
It’s time for JoJo to come out. Luke and Chase both ask her what they could have done differently. Her answer is infuriating: “I don’t know why I did what I did, and it could have been a mistake, honestly, but I did me so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯.” JoJo. You can’t say that. I know you’re a grown woman who has never broken up with someone, and I don’t even have the word space to deal with that, but come the ever-loving hell on. You certainly know your love language, girl. You couldn’t have read like one Cosmo article about how to break up with someone?
James Tee thanks JoJo for being better than the countless women you meet on dating apps. High praise. The CHAD lets her know that Jordan is a cheater and Robby broke up with his girlfriend three days before the show. She says the CHAD isn’t even worth her breath. Don’t act all high and mighty now, not after you kept him on the show for weeks. All the guys give her a standing ovation after that little burn.
After another Nemacolin Resort ad, Alex apologizes for getting upset when he was eliminated and Derek asks JoJo to define the word “reassurance.” JoJo shares a charming anecdote about how she shaved Vinny’s beard. His Big Ang–looking mom shouts from the audience that she let a good man go and Vinny is still single if anyone is interested. It’s the most Jersey Shore moment that’s ever been on ABC.
We get one more look at JoJo’s amazing journey in a preview of next week’s finale. Yep, she’s still torn that Jordan and Robby are both scumbags who will hurt her, but she loves them. See you next week!