The sun rises after our week away and JoJo and her contesticles are still in Argentina. I guess the Fatbird Resort was more expensive than it seemed. JoJo is packing and ruminating on how tough the last rose ceremony was for her. It’s almost time for hometown dates. Hasn’t it felt like it’s always “almost time” for hometown dates? They’ve been looming in the distance for weeks, but now the time has finally come to prepare for hometown dates. That means it’s time for everyone to pack their bags and head to the Argentinian countryside.
Alex and James Tee are feeling particularly raw after that last rose ceremony. Alex, ever delusional, still thinks he has a shot with JoJo despite being her height and never having a conversation with her that wasn’t about another contesticle. James Tee is just aw-shucks-ing his way through this thing. Maybe his head trauma has cleared up and he’s finally seeing the competition clearly. Alex tells Host Chris that he’s feeling confused and Host Chris tells him that JoJo is a strong, independent woman. If she wants to send guys home, she will. That’s the first time someone has described JoJo and didn’t use the words “smokin’ hot.”
There will be three one-on-one dates this week. There will be no more roses on the one-on-one dates, but there still will be one given out on the group date. Let’s do this, bitches. Host Chris drops the first date card. Alex reveals in an interview that he’s the only remaining contesticle who hasn’t been on a one-on-one with Alex, and thankfully, he gets it this week. He finds out he’ll be riding out to the countryside with JoJo with quite possibly the worst pun in human history: “I gaucho on my mind.”
We need to talk about this pun. “I gaucho on my mind.” I’ve never been offended by a pun before. I’m offended deeply. To my core. This pun is an insult to the English language. Everyone in charge of writing the date cards is fired. Whatever. Alex and JoJo get to ride in a black SUV to the countryside. Alex’s main tactic to seduce JoJo during the car ride is to make a Pringles duck bill and try to kiss her. Alex has the seduction skills of a seventh grader.
Meanwhile, Luke, Chase, Robby, Jordan, and James Tee ride to the countryside in an old-timey bus, reciting raps they clearly wrote earlier that afternoon. You heard me right: Five of the whitest humans on earth rapping on an old-timey bus. What hell is this? What Partridge Family bullshit is this? Then, Alex tells JoJo to give him a topic so he can freestyle on it. Who told them to do this? Did all of their Macklemore haircuts trick them into thinking they are Macklemore? Is Robby going to start talking about how he legalized gay marriage? They stop at a roadside barbecue joint serving strange grilled meats and Jordan complains that he’s a picky eater. Jordan, do you only eat noodles and butter? You look like you only eat noodles and butter.
So, Alex and JoJo are going on a gaucho date. He dresses like a tiny gaucho in literal gaucho pants and JoJo dresses like Ali McGraw and Lauren Hutton’s love child. Alex say she looks like she stepped out of a “Ralph Lauren magazine.” Ah yes, Ralph Lauren Weekly. JoJo and Alex ride around and watch an actual gaucho calm down a horse with only his touch and the look in his eyes. It’s the trippiest thing I’ve ever seen. Then JoJo and Alex ruin it by making out on top of the subdued horse. Later, JoJo and Alex hang out with a random dog and listen to an old man play guitar in the shadows. He’s what gauchos become after they’ve whispered their last horse.
JoJo tells Alex, “You did it,” when he says he’s excited he finally got a one-on-one date, then he marks the occasion by telling JoJo that he’s falling in love with her. She wipes away one tear and tells him that she’s just not feeling it. FINALLY. She sends him home. No one will miss him.
JoJo has a full-on meltdown anytime she has to send someone home in this episode. Didn’t she know this would happen? All she’s doing is breaking up with someone she’s just not that into. We’ve all been there and it sucks, but it doesn’t require a complete crying fit. But considering the type of men JoJo seems interested in, I wonder how many breakups she’s initiated. And I’m not counting texting a guy, “UMM … ARE WE STILL DATING?” after he’s ghosted on her.
It’s time for her one-on-one with Jordan. She’s BEAMING when he walks up to the private jet they’re taking to a vineyard somewhere else in Argentina. They’re going to stomp grapes, I Love Lucy–style. JoJo imagines that her life with Jordan would be exciting and passionate; she’s already picturing those potential box seats at the Super Bowl. Then she drinks his foot wine. They take a dip in a hot tub while the other contesticles talk about Jordan’s pre-show hype. What hype? The failed quarterback? Some hype.
Jordan tells JoJo about his relationship with his more successful brother, Aaron, and reveals that they’re not as close as the rest of his family might like. Aaron apparently made some life choices that Jordan doesn’t agree with — like being a successful accomplished football player. Someone correct me if I’m wrong, but Aaron Rodgers is a pretty scandal-free NFL player. They’ve already hung out with alleged rapist Ben Roethlisberger, so what could the problem be? Either way, Jordan tells JoJo that he’s in love with her and they make out all over Mendoza, Argentina.
It’s time for the group date and because it’s raining outside, they have a slumber party in a hotel room and play a series of Bachelor Nation parlor games: Bachelor Pictionary, Bachelor Celebrity, Bachelor Charades. They end up playing truth or dare and JoJo dares Robby to strip down to his underwear and run through the halls. Okay, sure. This all checks out. James Tee reverts back to his adolescent flirting techniques, daring JoJo to shove as many fries as she can into his mouth and talking smack about the guys she likes. He calls Robby “Wandering Eye Robby.” Good one, James Tee. And for the first time in her life, JoJo makes a joke: While they’re watching Brazilian Bachelor, she tells Robby that he’s got all those ladies to choose from. Chase and James Tee tell JoJo that they’re either in love with her or falling for her, but she gives the date rose to Robby.
It’s time for Luke’s one-on-one date and he walks up to JoJo while she’s just hanging out with a mini-horse on another ranch. How many dang ranches are in this country? Luke gets a chance to show off a little bit by talking about how he’s broken horses, then demonstrates his horse-handling techniques. JoJo really likes when men can fulfill archetypal demonstrations of masculinity. Then they go skeet shooting. Not exactly what some viewers of Bachelor Nation wanted to see on TV this week: two white people gleefully shooting guns and celebrating when they finally hit their target.
By the time the date is over, JoJo knows that she doesn’t need a rose ceremony. She knows what she has to do. As Luke says, “Hay’s in the barn.” Damn that motherfucker is folksy.
JoJo arrives in a dress from the Kaitlyn Bristowe Collection. She tells them how she felt during this particular rose ceremony. It sucked, but she’s gonna do it anyway.
Luke gets a rose. Jordan gets a rose. DUH.
Chase gets the final rose. WHO. IS. CHASE.
JoJo walks James Tee out and tells him that he’ll find his true love one day and he goes, “BUT WHEN THO DANG?” He’s crying. She’s crying. Everyone is crying. He wishes her the best and climbs into that black SUV. She has to sit down on a bench to collect herself for 45 minutes.
Next week: hometown dates. Where is Aaron Rodgers!?