It seems like once a season, the viewers stare at the titular Bachelorette and just go, “Oh honey.” I talked about the How I Met Your Mother character who was named “Oh honey” because every time she opened her mouth, you were shocked by her naiveté and you wanted to wrap her in a blanket to protect her from the big bad world. Kaitlyn Bristowe was DEFINITELY an “Oh honey” because she was constantly fooled by Shawn’s jealously and Nick V.’s general doucheyness, but Kaitlyn was herself so charming that we wanted the best for her.
But Jojo? Dat Jojo tho? The second this girl said she was going to say good-bye to Luke, I said “Oh honey” in the way you do when you see your girlfriend break up with a good guy to go back to her ex whose dad owns a car dealership and only gets bottle service over and over again and expects you to have a shoulder for her to cry on when they break up yet again. Jojo simply has no idea what a good guy looks like or how he behaves.
Luke let you ride on a horse! That’s your heroin, Jojo. You’re ALL about horses. He walked you out to a heart made of rose petals in the fields and kissed you while the sun set behind you. He brought a romance novel to life. Like the romance novel Host Chris wrote. Just like The Perfect Letter’s Amazon page says :“[She] can’t help but feel that Texas, with all of its tangled secrets, is calling her home.” Luke is calling you home and you want to eliminate him? For who? CHASE?
Who. Is. Chase.
This episode, we finally found out. He lives on a damn mountain and his parents got divorced, and apparently that’s the end of his personality. Also, he’s very sad and things weigh heavy on his shoulders. He describes his emotions like this no fewer than six times in the episode. Really? Him? He’s a sad little bird. Jojo literally describes him as having deep wounds. Jojo goes to Colorado and there’s snow on the ground. Jojo barges into this house without wiping her feet and she loves the quartz countertops and subway tile. Jojo is very concerned with people’s houses looking nice in this episode. Jojo, not unlike me, has been watching HGTV and can tell a flip from a flop. But no one comments on the fact that Chase’s staircase has no railing. Isn’t that illegal?
Chase first lets Jojo meet his dad. His parents got divorced when he was 8 and his dad is remarried “with several stepchildren.” Chase sits down with his dad alone for a while (I guess Jojo checks out the subway tile in the bathroom) and finally asks him about the divorce. Umm ... now? Maybe save it for family therapy, dude. Chase’s dad says that he was climbing the corporate ladder and his family got left by the wayside. I’ll take things only men can say without vilification for $200, Alex. Chase’s dad eventually gives Chase his blessing to continue dating Jojo on a game show. Chase takes Jojo to meet the rest of his family — his mom, his sister and her husband, his stepdad and a lil’ baby. A glass of white wine manifests in Jojo’s hand. My favorite part of Jojo’s visit with Chase’s family is she tells Sandy, Chase’s mom, “I can tell you know how to have fun.”
Chase has never told anyone that he loves them, and in his sit-down with his mom, she lets him know that Jojo loves dogs and hates fish and he’s got to get ready for that next chapter in his life. On the way back to the black SUV, “I’m falling for you” tumbles out of his mouth. Jojo tells him, “You never say things like that so I know it’s true.”
Chase. Pros: Has human body and brain. Cons: Who?
It’s time for Jojo to go to the Aaron-less Rodgerses' homestead in Chico, California. Jojo has never even heard of Chico, California, but there are deer running everyone and JOJO CAN’T STOP SHOUTING AT THE DEER. Jordan takes Jojo on a tour of the park and the hill named Monkey Face he used to run up in high school. He takes Jojo to Pleasant Valley High School (definitely not Chico High School. Chico High School is for nerds) to meet his old teachers and the football coach who didn’t start him. Jordan reveals that he never had a high-school girlfriend and they make out in the library. There are actual children around. Don’t do that. After a tour of a classroom that still has Jordan and Aaron’s football pictures, Jojo and Jordan sit in the bleachers to bring up his estranged relationship with Aaron again. “Are you sure you two don’t talk? But if you tried to get — say – Super Bowl tickets? Would he take your call?”
It’s the first time Jordan has brought home a girlfriend in two years. Jojo is shocked that Jordan isn’t constantly bringing girls home. It’s almost like women aren’t scrambling to date a fifth-string quarterback. Jojo is worried that Jordan’s family won’t take their relationship seriously. Cue the ominous music. She makes him feel her heart before they open the door. Gross.
Darla, Jordan’s mom, tells “charming” stories about how Jordan would constantly threaten to run away and she would tell him that if he stepped a foot off their property she would call the police, so he’d stand at the edge of their yard staring back at her, daring her to do so. That is some dark shit. Luke, Jordan’s non-Aaron brother who has the same haircut as him, tells Jojo that Aaron’s absence pains all of them, but Jordan stands up for his family and he thinks that Jojo could make him happy. Jordan is still scared that she’s going to fall for Jordan and he’s gonna pull a Ben on her.
Jordan. Pros: Everyone in his family has the same haircut. Cons: Except his famous brother he doesn’t talk to.
It’s Robby’s turn to take Jojo around the swampland he calls home. Jojo is excited because Robby is vulnerable and emotional. I’ll take things that are only positive qualities when attributed to men for $400, Alex. Robby gets Jojo to whistle and a horse-drawn carriage shows up. Jojo fucking loves horses and everyone knows. Jojo says that Robby is very “believable” when they talk about him saying “I love you.” Jojo wants to make sure that Robby’s last relationship is over and done with, and the producers are feeding Robby’s mom lines about his last relationship still being an issue. Robby refers to his dad as “Coach Hayes” and all four of his younger siblings are there for a fancy dinner. Robby’s mom thinks that Jojo is adorable.
Robby’s brothers sit down with him to tell him that Jojo is so cool and so awesome and she can hang. “Dude, looking at you right now, I can tell this is real” one of the younger brothers tells Robby. Robby is having panic attacks and not sleeping, but it’ll all be worth it when he ends up with Jojo. Unfortunately, his mom tells him that his ex’s roommate is spreading rumors that he broke up with his ex to go on the show. Could this be pettier? His ex’s roommate? He sits down with Jojo while his entire family listens outside the door. He tells Jojo that she just has to trust him. It scares the shit out of her, but she saw a horse earlier and she’s still drinking white wine so she’s okay. It’s raining when they say good-bye and that’s symbolism.
Robby. Pros: Single. Cons: A little too single.
It’s time for Luke’s hometown visit. He bought Jojo some cowboy boots, and his family and 50 of his closest friends are having a barbecue. Gramps is there with his fanciest fish necklace and Jojo’s country accent is coming out strong.
I talked about how perfect the day was. It was like a damn Nicholas Sparks novel come to life. I said out loud to my actual boyfriend, “I’ll fuck Luke if Jojo won’t.”
Luke. Pros: Everything. Cons: Not currently in my lap.
It’s time for the rose ceremony. Jojo rolls up to a private plane hangar in Los Angeles wearing the MOST AMAZING DRESS of the season. She tells Host Chris she’s nervous about making a difficult choice and starts crying in her confessional. Everybody drink!
The contesticles arrive, and before Jojo can even give out the first rose, Luke steals her away to tell her what he failed to tell her on the ranch. He’s falling for her. Okay bye. Jojo can’t handle the pressure of actual open emotional communication and has a complete freak-out on the tarmac of an active airport.
To be continued …