As the rest of the country (and the world) settled in to watch the DNC, Melania Trump and I settled in to watch The Bachelorette. Because if I know anything about Melania Trump, it’s that she loves doing what black women do and she sits watching The Bachelorette with the Donald muttering to herself, “one day … one day … ” It’s Fantasy Suite week, which means it’s time to follow a bunch of white people traipse around an “exotic” locale as they try not to stick their hands down each other’s pants at sacred temples. Colonialism!
But before we get to Thailand, we have to deal with that sexy bugbear that is Luke’s confession of love. Only on JoJo’s season would the cover model of a Western-themed romance novel be up for elimination. Robby, on the other hand, is BUGGING OUT. He keeps looking around and asking Jordan if everything is going to be okay. Jordan lets him nestle in his pompadour for a while to calm down. That is, after the producer scraped JoJo off the tarmac and poured her back into that amazing dress. It’s one of the best dresses I’ve ever seen and I will not stop talking about it. All of her other outfits this episode were boho-imperialism chic and that’s just not my look.
Jordan, Luke, and Robby all get roses. Fuck. Chase. I meant Chase. I just forget he’s a human being with corporeal form sometimes. JoJo immediately starts bawling again and walks Luke back out to the runway of an active airport. She starts telling him that it hurts so much and she doesn’t know how to explain it. You know what you don’t want to hear during a breakup? Oh dear sweet lil’ JoJo, you are so bad at this. Yeah, this is hard, but you’re about to fly to Thailand and bang three guys in as many days. You’re gonna be fine. Also, maybe stop telling the person who just told you he loved you that you don’t know why you’re breaking up with him. Luke is understandably stunned. He tells her he can’t believe he squandered away his chance and how when he looked in her eyes, he knew it was real. Luke is a cowboy poet, y’all. He says “I miss you already” as he gets in his limo to drive away. He starts crying. JoJo starts crying. I’m crying. Melania’s crying. America’s crying.
JoJo is just wailing on the pavement at this airport, like a widow at an ancient Greek funeral and she says “I miss you already.” She is actively not good at this.
It doesn’t matter, though, because it’s time to whisk the contesticles away to scenic Hua Hin, Thailand! She’s so confident about all these remaining relationships. Take a drink every time someone says the word “confident.” Confident!
First up is Robby, who arrives at a bustling market on a little motorcycle sidecar, which is the least masculine and/or romantic way to arrive anywhere. This Justin-Timberlake-on-vacation clone is so excited because every time he sees JoJo, he keeps falling in love with her. Listen, Robby: If something is true, you shouldn’t have to say it that much. Like how Ivanka keeps trying to tell us Trump loooooooves women. Sure, Ivanka. Sure.
JoJo and Robby sit down for a foot massage. Getting a Thai massage in Thailand does sound kind of great, so I will indulge this moment of indulgent tourism. He tries to reassure her about their relationship, but he just ends up talking at her face about how much he loves her. They’ve already faced a challenge together. They’re building toward a relationship. The challenge was the looming specter of Robby’s past failed relationships, but whatever!
JoJo continues to be baffling. She loves that Robby is open and honest about his feelings, but because he’s so open and honest, she doesn’t trust him. Sure. Robby shows her that his dad snuck a note in the back of his jeans, reminding him that he’s the man and he can tell Robby loves JoJo. Robby gives JoJo the note. What? What weird swamp tradition is that? Also, what grown man’s father is slipping notes in his jeans? JoJo and Robby make their way to the fantasy suite and open the door with the old-timey skeleton key Host Chris provided and start practicing those other love languages, if you know what I mean. The next morning she tells him, “I’ll see ya.” Dang, JoJo.
Next up is Jordan. He pulls up to the beach on a little boat and they’ll be going on a hike to a temple hidden in a cave. Great Tomb Raider level. Terrible date because everyone keeps reminding us that it’s approximately 1,000 degrees in Thailand right now. They make their way to the temple and JoJo covers her shoulders, but leaves her whole entire legs bare. She also reminds Jordan that they’re not allowed to kiss in the temple, but damn their intense chemistry! Jordan starts talking about the next big step for them: meeting her family. Considering how her brothers tore into Oatmeal, that will be a REAL delight. Jordan is also excited to look into her dad’s eyes and know that it’s real. What the fuck is going on with dads this episode? There’s a real boundary being crossed and I don’t like it.
JoJo finally brings up her concerns to Jordan about how he could be asked to travel somewhere at the last minute to film an episode of NFL Brothers. Is he ready to commit and settle down? Ask the 25-year-old woman. JoJo keeps reminding everyone what she was doing with Oatmeal at this point last season. I’m pissed when my Timehop reminds me that I was on a Megabus to Des Moines to see my ex; I can’t imagine having a filmed and edited record of your one night of passion in Thailand. Jordan tells her it’s her face that he wants and that’s that. The two go bang until the Thai sun rises.
JoJo knows she’s in love with two men, but is she in love with three?
No, she’s not.
Poor Chase. I never thought I’d say it because it would require me to know who Chase is and recall basic facts about his life story, but man. This is rough. JoJo and Chase have the most fun I think he’s has ever had in his dumb little nondescript life. He is so animated. He attempts a smile. He is emoting, guys! He jokingly kisses a fish because JoJo tells him to.
Yo, is JoJo secretly into sexually humiliating guys? If so, I’m prepared to write some fanfiction.
JoJo and Chase ride around in a cute little boat trying to connect with monkeys on the rocks. Chase feels unstoppable. Well, get ready for that brake, buddy. Robby stops by JoJo’s hotel room as she’s getting ready for her dinner date with Chase. Y’know, just to tell her he loves her. This motherfucker right here. Robby could not embody the thirst more than he already does. He’s a pale Floridian Drake and JoJo is his Nicki. Or his Rihanna. Or his Serena. Damn, Drake is the king of the thirst. JoJo loves how vocal Chase has been and how he’s been able to open up … until he opens up too much and says that he loves her.
Then she immediately breaks up with him, mere feet from their fantasy-suite bed. Oh, girl. Remember what I said about her not knowing how to do this? It’s respectable that she wanted to be fair to him, but telling a man how vulnerable he is and then breaking up with him at his most vulnerable is the damn worst. Chase rightfully calls her out on this shit: “I’ve never put myself out there like this and now I’m skewered.” JoJo keeps telling him how sick she feels and he gets put into a limo and he’s gone. On his way out, he asks himself, “Why did I do that?”
JoJo goes through the façade of the rose ceremony even though she already sent someone home — and speak of the devil, Chase ambles back in because he left his mouthguard in the fantasy suite. And to, like, have a decent breakup moment. Jordan and Robby both get roses. Next week is the finale. Tonight, the men tell all!