It’s time again for everyone’s favorite summertime activity. No, it’s not watching the Olympics try to walk that fine line between jingoism and “I LOVE THE BALANCE BEAM. USA! USA! USA!” It’s Bachelor in Paradise. It’s time to watch our favorite Instagram “stars” and future church-hat catalog models get yeast infections from wearing a bathing suit for 15 hours a day and fall in love.
All of our favorite sad sacks are here to find love in the sun. Jared is back for everyone to swoon over for reasons I can’t discern. Nick V. is back to have some ill-timed sex. Daniel the Canadian is dripping caramel, I hope, on himself during the opening credits, and Evan the Petty is eating a banana while making intense eye contact with the camera. And like Enzo Amore famously said, “Never make eye contact with a man eating a banana.” This is how Evan steals our souls and lures our erections away from us.
Host Chris is ready to welcome the contesticles and the ladytestants to the tropical resort and hand them their pukka-shell microphone necklaces. But first, some background stories.
The Twins are back to implore the contesticles to see them as two different people. They tell us everything about them is different. You’re literally identical twins. Your DNA is identical. Nick V. gets a montage of women telling him they’re sorry. Tough. Nick V. is interested in Jubilee — you stay away from her, Nick V. Jubilee is trying to soften her resting bitch face, to which I say, never change, you stern little minx. Evan is shopping for a new deep-V-neck tee and assorted bangles from the Johnny Depp for Hot Topic collection. Chad is hanging out with his tiny lil’ dog and lets us know he’s ready for marriage. Somewhere a painting of the Virgin Mary weeps blood. Lace knows that she has a problem and gets a montage of her throwing out empty wine bottles and promptly pouring herself some wine in a rocks glass. Buckle up. Daniel is posing in his Canadian Speedo and lets us know he’s got high standards and he’s a Fearow and he’s not settling for a Pidgey. Amanda is ready to love again and she’s the top prize this season. Because on Bachelor in Paradise, women are prizes.
Everyone from Ben and JoJo’s season is way too young. Whenever a 30-year-old from two or three seasons ago strolls onto the beach, they look like hall directors breaking up an illegal party in a college dorm.
Amanda and Nick V. are the first to arrive and they size each other up. Amanda thinks Nick V. might be a bit of a cool smooth guy. Sure. Sure. Jubilee the Precious arrives next. She’s got her eye on one person, and she’s saving herself until he arrives. Or until Chad takes his shirt off for the first time.
Evan arrives, and he’s got his eyes locked on Amanda. He says, “She melted [his] heart with cuteness,” and no grown man should talk like that about a potential sex partner. I feel like a teenage girl is in some sort of Drop Dead Diva or Freaky Friday situation with Evan. That’s the only explanation for why this dude is so corny.
Carly is back for another ride after getting her heart broken. She’s not committing herself to one person too early. She’s test-driving a few cars this time. Hell yeah, bitch. Grant and Vinny show up and we try to piece together any semblance of personality for the two of them. I guess Vinny is “Party Spice” and Grant is “Handsome Spice.”
Daniel arrives and immediately asks the other contesticles to rank the women and compares them to various dogs. We all know America just nominated the first woman to represent a major party in a presidential election, right? That happened last week. I guess it’s not all garbage.
Sarah arrives and says she wants a Jade-and-Tanner kind of love. Sarah, WE ALL DO. The Twins and Izzy show up and Daniel tries to make a move on all of them, but unfortunately, he guesses that Izzy is … GASP … twenty seven. LACE arrives. Grant says she’s a mess, she’s hot, and he feels sorry for everyone in a relationship with her. They immediately start flirting. Jared arrives and Jubilee reveals she’s been waiting for him. C’mon, girl. You are so much better than his House Beigejoy ass.
The birds of Mexico start screaming with human voices when the CHAD makes his way down to the beach. The CHAD wasn’t programmed to do the typical Bachelor thing. He wasn’t trying to meet and get closer to a woman by asking her questions and getting to know her better. That’s not his thing. His thing is LACE.
This. Is. Perfect. I should have known they were meant to be. Both of their names are in all caps. These two before-houses on Flip or Flop are made for each other. They’ll have the kind of sex where you wake up with an eyebrow missing. The CHAD powers up by devouring all the imported deli ham in Mexico.
There’s a date card for Jubilee and she uses it on the second-most reasonable option presented before her (after Grant, I’d build a home under that chin) and asks out Jared. They go on a traditional Mexican courtship ritual and visit the piñata forest occupied by the clown from American Horror Story. They hit it off talking about Lord of the Rings. I like Jubilee more and more every time she opens her mouth.
LACE grows weary of her paltry flirtations with a lower-case human like Grant and turns her attentions to the CHAD. They become entwined in each other’s web of chaos. Somewhere Marie Kondo’s head is splitting. They go back and forth between making out, hitting each other, body slamming each other, and making out again. Their sexual fury is the stuff behind paywalls on porn sites, but as soon as it begins, it’s over. The CHAD calls LACE “a fucking bitch,” and she flips on him. She suddenly realizes that he’s mean and everyone at the resort goes, “Oh, yeah, the CHAD is kinda uncool,” despite tricking themselves into believing that he might be nice for the first time in his little life. Once the CHAD tells Sarah to keep sucking “fame’s dick,” every woman in the house turns on him.
It’s up to Evan to calm him down. This is quite possibly the worst plan in history. He is the absolute last person to effectively calm the CHAD down. Fortunately for everyone, the CHAD lies down next to a crab and poops his pants in his sleep. The next morning, Host Chris gathers the contesticles and the ladytestants and attempts to kick the CHAD off the resort.
The CHAD tries to blame everyone but himself for his mistakes. He asks if this is because LACE saw him flirting with another girl or if because she wanted to flirt with someone else. He accuses Host Chris of not even knowing what happened because he went to bed early with a robe and mimosa. Uh, mimosas are a morning drink. The CHAD also tries the age-old technique of just simply not moving. Maybe he thinks Host Chris has vision based on movement.
Ultimately, The CHAD refuses to apologize and has to be walked out of the Rose Ceremony Gazebo by Host Chris and a couple security officers in golf carts. The CHAD screams that they’re trying to ruin his reputation and he has nothing left.
Whoa. This just got dark. To be continued …