Bachelor in Paradise Recap: HE GONE

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Photo: Rick Rowell/ABC
Bachelor in Paradise
Episode Title
Episode Two
Season
3
Episode
2
Editor’s Rating
3/5

It’s time again to visit Paradise and slog through this intro. This week we’re treated to a new scream remix of the theme, and I swear to God, if I have to see Evan put that banana in his mouth one more time, I’m going to lose my mind. Ugh, and Carly, my dear sweet actual human with personality Carly: You’re so much better than this. Lace’s intro is the only one that’s genuinely hilarious. But in light of how she wants to cut back on her drinking, it’s also got a hint of sadness, like all great comedy.

Finally, the CHAD has been banished from Paradise and the gang is all celebrating being present for a man’s slow descent into madness. Daniel is still holding out some sympathy for the guy. Some of what he said was funny, right? Let’s talk about Chad now. Not the CHAD but the man behind the machine. For all anyone’s talk of, "Chad’s mother just passed away and that’s why he’s the way he is," I think that ... Chad is just like that. That personality type — “Yeah, I say things that are offensive, it’s funny” — is probably the most common white-man-in-his-20s personality type. While I’m sure that losing your mother at a young age would make you feel scared and vulnerable, and we as a society don’t equip young men to deal with either of those emotions, “I’m gonna kill your family and hunt you down!” typically isn’t a common reaction to grief. Chad seems like the kind of person who says something and only declares it a joke, or not, after people get offended. He thought he could leverage his hilarious personality and sick abs to being the Bachelor or a long tenure on Paradise so he could have ... what? Access to lots of women who want to worship him. Yikes. Can we quit with all the pitying think pieces now? HE GONE.

But where did he get that meat in the SUV? Where was he hiding it?

Now that the storm cloud that is the CHAD has dissipated, all that’s left is the cold front of the ladytestants’ insecurities rolling in over Paradise. It’s the contesticles’ turn to give out the roses. Two girls are going home, and the last thing anyone needs is another — OH, DAMN. Not only is it just another girl, it’s a swirling vortex of drama and manipulation, Leah. And she got her lips done. Everyone can tell. Leah is excited to see LACE, who “is her friend,” but LACE says it’s going to be awkward because they don’t like each other. Leah has a date card and she’s got only one sociopath she wants to give it to. “Does anybody know where Chad is?”

GIRL, HE GONE.

Leah is blindsided and let down. Well, it’s time for her to find someone else, so she does the age-old dance of talking to each guy for 39 seconds and ultimately decides to ask Nick on her date while Nick is feeling the Twins’ scoliosis humps. Jubilee is just hanging out posing like a weirdo in the background with the Twins and Amanda. I love Jubilee. She weird and I dig her.

While Leah is taking Nick to the Margarita Festival that wasn’t set up by producers at all, the Twins seductively eat bananas in front of Jared and Daniel, and Jared jokes that he’s gonna be thinking about that all night. Yo, is Jared secretly a sleaze? I feel like he might be way more shallow than everyone imagines him to be. The ladytestants start taking stock of what relationships are solid. LACE suddenly realizes that she spent most of her night making out and choking out Chad and needs to make Grant like her again. After sending Vinny back and forth between them like two seventh-graders trying to ask each other out, LACE and Grant decide that last night never happened and go back to their regularly scheduled saliva swapping.

Amanda is super jealous that Leah is taking Nick on a date, because apparently Nick is a catch? Leah and Nick kiss on a beach in the amber glow of the sunset, and Nick is a big open-mouth kisser. It looks like he’s trying to swallow her whole. Amanda calls her daughter who asks “Where are you?” I like to imagine Amanda just left because she’s spending a lot of time away from home on reality shows.

Because the Paradise gods are cruel and unfeeling, Nick gets a date card right after his date with Leah and he asks Amanda to go with him. Leah. Is. Stunned. So she deals with her disappointment the only way she knows how — psychological torture. She sits behind Amanda while she does her makeup, taunting her. Yikes.

All the ladytestants are trying to trap these dudes into giving them a rose. Carly kisses Evan even though he’s a feminine little man (her sentiments, not mine) and Sarah starts to put the moves on Vinny for some reason. LACE and Grant straight-up have sex, and there might be video footage of it. I will pay upward of $50,000 for that footage.

It’s time for the rose ceremony. Grant gives LACE a rose and her panties back. Nick gives a rose to Amanda. Evan does too much and gives Carly his rose. Jared gives his rose to Emily, which means Haley gets to stay because if you’re a thin blonde white lady, you don’t have to really do anything to succeed. Vinny gives his rose to Izzy and Daniel gives his rose to Sarah because she’s a Fearow, too.

That means we say good-bye to Leah. Okay, bye.

And to the angel come down to our mortal plane, Jubilee. You’re too good for this world and the man who will appreciate your resting bitch face is the man who will love all of you. Hold out for that resting-bitchface love. Jubilee leaves with her head held high though: “I’m more disappointed that I would go for someone who would be interested in identical twins he can’t tell apart over me.” Just a soupçon of shade on your way out. Bless you, Jubilee.

Now it’s time for the ladies to give out the roses so there’s going to be a couple new dudes to shake things u — OH SHIT, IT’S JOSH MURRAY. The man who won Andi’s heart and then promptly inspired a sordid tell-all book. The man who is here to steal Nick’s girl as is his wont. Josh comes in and has his eyes on Amanda. Nick is pissed that Josh didn’t come to him to get his blessing or something. Nick. No one cares.

Evan and Carly go on the worst date in the history of dates. They are going to set the Guinness world record for longest habanero kiss – which is NOT a thing. What it is is white nonsense. Carly’s affections for Evan have been waning since their awful first kiss and being forced to kiss for 90 seconds after eating a habanero is not going to help matters. It’s not a good sign when you throw up after your kiss.

Josh takes Amanda out on a sailboat and she asks him about Andi and the tell-all book, and Josh calls the whole thing a lie, and Amanda buys it! SHE BUYS THE WHOLE DAMN STORY. Girl. Sweetie-honey-baby pie. Come the hell on. But Josh kisses her with his whole wiggly tongue and Amanda squeaks out “I’m happy” after the make-out.

Before this episode fades to black, Emily tries to get Jared to kiss her, and he finally does. Josh sits down with Nick and he tries to pitifully call Josh out for going out with Amanda, and Josh responds by kissing Amanda and making direct eye contact with Nick. Josh is right; there’s lions and there’s sheep.