Bachelor in Paradise
One of the real problems with dating is that most people want to date someone who tries, but not someone who tries too hard. It’s that delicate balance between a thoughtful gesture you text your girlfriends about and telling your girlfriends to call the local authorities if you’re not home by 11 p.m. The women have all the power of the roses in their hands this week, so it’s up to the men to balance that sexy devil-may-care attitude with actually opening up to the women they’ve developed feelings for (over the course of three full days in the sun). Daniel, in a rare astute moment, knows that he’s got to let Sarah know how he feels. This Fearow is gonna spread his wings and love, y’all.
While Daniel tries to form a sentence with a verb and subject, Nick is still seething about Josh stealing Amanda away and not letting her come up for air. That’s a thing that’s still happening, I guess. Nick seems a bit resigned to his fate as a perpetual second choice. Work on that tan while you still can, homie.
There’s a new face in Paradise and it’s the human equivalent of a chocolate Labrador, Christian! He’s all smiles and cheerfulness and those arms. Also, based on his Twitter, he’s a Game of Thrones fan, and he’s liked a few of my tweets. He’s a man of class and dignified tastes.
Christian has a date card and he seeks out the advice of the Small Council. He tries to find out who is coupled up and Josh ASSERTS that Amanda is HAPPY and COMMITTED so YOU’RE WASTING YOUR TIME, BRO. Daniel doesn’t speak up when Christian asks about Sarah, and Christian ends up asking Sarah on his date. I never thought I’d say this, but poor Daniel. Try harder, Fearow.
The next morning, Carly decides that it’s time to finally tell Evan that she threw up when she kissed him. She finally has clarity, and she realizes that while Evan helps people get boners, he’s effectively deflated her lady boner. Carly sits Evan down and lays it all out on the line. “You ain’t cute. I don’t want to bang you. No, thank you, and be well.”
Upon learning that the love of his life no longer wants him, Evan starts to cry like a seventh grader who just got dumped via LiveJournal. I can only assume that something like that happened to Evan recently. I don’t mean it happened by text or something — I mean I bet he got dumped via LiveJournal in the last year. Jared sums the whole situation up: “You guys went on a date and you threw up. I don’t think it’s going to work out.” I have a deep-seated belief that if you see someone throw up before you see them naked, you’ll never see them naked. That ship has sailed, Evan.
Christian and Sarah are off raiding tombs and zip-lining around the forests of Mexico. Christian is having a great time and the GoPros on their helmets capture every grin and laugh. After rappelling down a waterfall as Christian guides Sarah with a steady hand on her back, they make out in a tranquil pool. Is everyone else swooning right now? I don’t fuck with zip-lines or much outdoor activity, but I will make out near a waterfall. Christian is putting in the work.
Back at the resort, Brandon approaches … whoever the fuck that is. He’s from Desiree’s season and the only thing he can offer to identify himself is “I didn’t have any pants on in that Soulja Boy video,” which is a very 2007 sentence. He walks down to the pool where all the ladytestants and contesticles are relaxing and is met with an enthusiastic ” … who?” Carly sees her opportunity to latch onto Brandon, but unfortunately, Brandon goes for someone who gets recognized as often as he does and picks Haley, one of the twins, for his date. Emily literally gets white-girl wasted at the prospect of Amanda’s upcoming engagement to Josh and Haley’s date. She’s drunk. She’s horny. She’s tight. Her words, not mine.
Christian comes back to the resort with a grinning Sarah in tow and an artifact that contains the spirit of an ancient witch who will go on to open a portal in Midway City to destroy mankind. Suicide Squad, am I right? Daniel is jealous that Christian might steal his fellow bird away, so he knows he’s got to actually try. He has the producers set up one of the daybeds with chocolate-covered strawberries and champagne. Daniel tries to hit a parrot with the champagne cork in a move of inter-avian dominance. He opens up to Sarah about how people misunderstand him, but she respects him for who he is and that makes him feel good about himself. Sarah is LOVING IT. She’s laughing. She’s tearing up. Because of Daniel. Maple-Leaf-Speedo Daniel. He finally tells her that he was jealous that Christian went on the date with her, but it ultimately made him happy because he realized how special she is. And that’s how you fucking try.
While Daniel is exploring previously unknown corners of his psyche, Haley is waiting for Brandon to pick her up for their date. The twins are planning a switch-a-roo. They’re going to Parent Trap this shit to see if a man they met about two hours ago can tell them apart. Hey, guess what? You’re identical twins. You look identical. Also, no man goes on a date anticipating a switch-a-roo caper to pop off. Imagine if you went to the bathroom and didn’t switch with your twin and the first thing he said was “YOU’RE YOUR IDENTICAL TWIN. YOU DID A SWITCH-A-ROO!” That would be an insane thing to assume on a date. No, thank you, and be well to the twins.
Back at the resort, Evan has listened to all the Dashboard Confessional (you know he loves Dashboard Confessional) in his iPod Nano and he’s done feeling sorry for himself. He’s got to take a risk. He’s got to do something bold … to win over Amanda. Yo, Evan? It’s not going to happen. She’s been joined at the mouth with Josh for the last 18 hours and I don’t think she’s coming up for air anytime soon.
Evan’s big bold plan is to write his own date card that says “Evan, You Deserve Love. Take Amanda to the Treehouse.” He decorates it with his own tears. It looks like something Stabler would find stuffed in the mouth of a woman they pull out of the fountain at Hudson University. But damn it, Evan has decided he deserves the attention and affection of a woman so he’s going to interrupt Josh and Amanda breaking the record for longest margarita kiss. This? This right here? This is the definition of trying too hard, doing too much. Evan has become one of the sad Drake songs. He’s taken up residence in Marvin’s Room and he’s never checking out.
TO BE CONTINUED.