Bachelor in Paradise
Oh, Paradise is a cruel, cruel mistress. She giveth and taketh away. Where there once was love, there is now discord, and no one knows that better than Vizzy. Where there was once a celebrity couple name, there are only regular nicknames. Jared wants to know if it’s possible for Izzy to wake up and realize she’s made a mistake, and Carly can see what happened with her and Kirk in what’s about to happen to Vinny. When Izzy finally comes out of the Sephora Fiesta Make-up Chamber, Vinny is ready to unleash all of his feelings because he’s not about to be someone’s second choice. Good for you, Vinny. You may have just amounted to being the guy who gave everyone haircuts on JoJo’s season, but you’re a real boy now.
Vinny goes into a long speech about what Izzy made him feel and how he didn’t want to date anyone else. Izzy has some weak-ass excuse that Brettki is her perfect man and no one else that came in made her feel this way. You know what that means?
THAT MEANS THAT EVERY TIME SOMEONE CAME IN SHE WAS LOOKING AT THEM TO SEE IF SHE GOT A TINGLE IN HER PANTIES.
That’s not how someone who is fully committed acts while in a relationship. You don’t have one eye focused on the door going “Hmmm, 7/10.” I’m so sorry, Vinny but it seems like Izzy always had one foot out the door, and the thing that pushed her out that door was some Balki Bartokomous look-alike. Izzy then does the absolute worst thing you can do in a breakup (because that’s exactly what this is) and tries to hug and kiss Vinny as he’s telling her that he’s chosen to leave. He also delivers one final pluck at her heartstrings and tells her, “When you watch this back and find out everything I’ve said about you.” Damn, Vinny, that’s cold.
The other cold moment for Izzy: Everyone misses Vinny and the only people comforting Izzy are Amanda and Josh, who just try to console her with the messages from inside Hallmark Cards. The shock of a ten-day couple breaking up really rattles the core of some of these two- and three-day couples. The only thing that could lighten the mood after seeing the death of true love is the arrival of Jade and Tanner! Paradise’s greatest achievement! Jade says that one day they’ll tell their children that this is how they met, and they want to give a date card to one true couple. I think this is the clearest generational dating divide. I can’t think of a single way anyone in our parents’ generation would have met on a reality show where an iguana could get a title card.
Jade and Tanner are going to sit down with every couple and make them perform their love for them. First up in the hot seat are the sexually confused Evan and Carly. Tanner remarks that Carly is really trying hard to like Evan. Yeah, that’s a good sign. LACE and Grant sit down with Jade and Tanner, and Grant is like a giddy schoolboy introducing his first girlfriend to his mama and LACE is approaching the situation with all the enthusiasm with which you order Chili’s 2 Go at the airport. Grant expressing human emotion in front of other people made LACE confront that she might just be a robot powered by margaritas and drama. Grant says that she’s pulling away from the relationship. Tanner says that Josh is trying really hard. Just in general. Tanner knows that Nick has to get out of his head so he doesn’t have any regrets.
Someone hire Jade and Tanner to counsel these contesticles and ladytestants. Maybe they can be like that therapist that’s on UnREAL minus all the emotional manipulation. They can be a force for good. They might be the only good thing this franchise has produced.
Caila and Jared are all about each other in their meeting with Jade and Tanner. Caila says that she loves Rhode Island. If we wanted evidence that Caila is fake, let that be it. No one loves Rhode Island. Gina Raimondo, governor of Rhode Island, doesn’t even love Rhode Island like that. Jade and Tanner sit down with Ashley and she tells them that she’s once again the most undesirable woman in the kingdom. Ashley, you’re cute and you seem to be gainfully employed. This shouldn’t be this hard for you. Ashley decides to tell Jade and Tanner that Caila is a fake-ass bitch, and she’s confident that Jade and Tanner care more about her and Jared for some reason that cannot be explained.
Jade and Tanner complete their 15-point relationship-strength schematic and determine that if Caila and Jared can find the good in Rhode Island then maybe they can make the most of their time here in Paradise and their love deserves a real shot. Caila feels that this is Jade and Tanner passing the baton of love, but there’s something in the way of their progress, and it’s a ball of fake eyelashes named Ashley I.
Meanwhile, Jen and Nick are having some issues. A four-day-old relationship isn’t perfect? Quel surprise! Jen feels like Nick is holding back, and Nick is like, “I’ve been dumped twice on national TV. Could you give me a minute?”
Jared and Caila go to a rock formation in a dirty bay to eat dinner, make out against rocks, and do what any committed couple does on a date: Talk about Ashley I. Jared tells Caila that Ashley I is a friend and he wants to listen to what she has to say, but he’s all about Caila. Okay, here is exactly Jared’s problem. You can’t just be friends with someone who is so in love with you she’s-bad mouthing your current relationship every time you talk to her. Jared and Caila both seem like people-pleasers who would rather let a bad relationship situation fester than actually do something about it. It also doesn’t hurt that Jared has someone in his life who is devoted to telling him how beautiful he is (I realized this episode that Jared looks like Beavis if he went through the machine that created Stefan Urquelle) and telling him that he’s a perfect man. Also, he can see some titties if he wants. Caila lets Jared know that she can see that fairy-tale ending with him, but someone has got to do something about Ashley. They make out against a rock. Great work, team.
The next day, Evan finally gets a date card that isn’t scribbled in his own blood and he of course invites Carly, who is unsure if Evan is even capable of the basic rituals of human courtship. He could be like a bower bird and build her an elaborate nest. Would that give her a lady boner? Either way, the “couple” head off to some sort of sweat lodge manned by indigenous people. Carly likes that Evan looks at her like she’s radiant even when she’s sweating her ass off. Aaaah, so her whole attraction is based on him liking her. This checks out. Carly and Evan make out in the sweat lodge and risk extreme dehydration.
Back in Paradise, Ashley has taken it upon herself to follow Jared around and whisper mean things in his ear about Caila. “She’s a robot girl.” “She doesn’t even like him.” “Her hair isn’t real.” Jared takes that information to Caila for some unknown reason. Seriously, stop telling people you’re in “relationships” with terrible information and expecting them to be cool with it. Caila figures out quickly that “some people” Jared keeps talking about is actually Ashley, and she goes to confront Ashley.
Unfortunately, this Disney Princess is no match for a legit supervillain mean girl like Ashley and the match up of the century is … TO BE CONTINUED.