Bachelor in Paradise
At what point during the season do you think they run out of opening-credit gimmicks for the ladytestants and contesticles? I ask because Lauren H. taking out her retainer is the most foul thing that has ever happened in Paradise. Who let her do that? Who let that crime against novelty theme songs happen? I just have three words for them: How. Dare. You. Also, at what point does everyone in Paradise look around and say, “I’ve made a terrible mistake”? Is it this point? This point right here? That checks out.
It’s a rough week in Paradise. These aspiring Instagram models and future “lifestyle experts” are about to make the toughest decision they’ve ever had to make. Well, if you’re Nick, the third-toughest decision. To start this week off, in walks Redshirt — err, I mean Tiara — a chicken enthusiast from Ben’s season. She notices that all the guys are paired off already because it’s the end of the season. You didn’t notice no one else was in the Bachelor in Paradise holding pen? Or do they keep the incoming ladytestants in a state of suspended animation, only to be revived in the black SUV on the way to the resort?
Do we care? Do we care who this person is or what she’s up to? She’s the Bachelor in Paradise equivalent of the soldier in the Battle of Blackwater Bay who gets a rock dropped directly on his head. She has a date card, but she gives it away to Nick because everyone is busy picking out granite countertops and snapping pictures with their gummy hair vitamins. Nick decides this is the perfect time to take Jen on a date to let her know that he is really interested in her. What a great objective to have a day and a half before you’re supposed to propose to someone. And so, Jen and Nick go to a carnival and sit down with a fortune teller, who definitely isn’t being fed her predictions by the producers.
Jen asks if the cards think she and Nick make a cute couple. The fortune teller pulls the “Nick of Hearts,” then lets them know that there’s some hesitancy and there’s one foot in and one foot out. Nick hangs up his cell-phone call with an ABC executive, confirming his flight to the Bachelor mansion and that he likes brunettes. He’s in it to win it, what are you talking about? Jen reveals her love language and wants Nick to verbalize how he’s feeling. Nick says the last time he felt this way was in an environment like this one, so he’s got some walls up, but Jen makes it easy for him to express his feelings. Maybe Nick should have gone on Tinder between Kaitlyn’s season and Paradise?
Back at the resort, Lauren H. is trying her best to not be cannon fodder and to latch onto Brettki Bartokomous. She pulls him aside and says that she’s got a big ol’ crush on him. Brettki agrees and says he’s moved on from what he had with Izzy. (That is, no real connection except in Izzy’s mind.) So he’s got to do the uncomfortable thing and break up with Izzy, a woman he wasn’t in any sort of relationship with. He pulls her aside, doesn’t make eye contact, and gives her a decent explanation about why he’s just not feeling it anymore.
So here’s the thing with Izzy: She didn’t really work that hard to get to know Brett or figure out if they had chemistry. Izzy just thought that Brett was going to like her because she said she liked him. It was a grand enough gesture to break up with Vinny so she could tell Brett he made her downstairs tingle. In some perverted world, that’s Izzy’s version of romance. And when she decides to leave, she tries to pull some bizarre “romance” move on Vinny. She wants to get him back and she thinks if she tells him she regrets what she did, he’ll obviously take her back. Because reasons. It’s all a very How I Met Your Mother view of the world. Izzy is the Ted Mosby of Paradise.
Izzy tries to call Vinny from the black SUV and he pulls some expert-level shade, answering the phone with a “Who is this?” Izzy should have just adopted a random accent and gone “SORRY WRONG NUMBER,” hung up, changed her name, and lived a new life in Mexico because that shit is embarrassing. Vinny, being a man with some dignity and self-respect, tells the 24-year-old that he’s no longer interested and that actions have consequences. He also calls Brett “some guy with a lamp.” Someone get Vinny on Drag Race All Stars because the library is open. Sashay away, Izzy.
It’s time for the cocktail party and it all comes down to Wells trying to decide who should get his rose. Jami and Ashley both make out with him and ask deep questions like, “Tell me about your life.” Shu sees that Wells is making out with everyone except her and walks into the ocean. Wells stops her and she tells him she’s not going to hunt or chase him because in Russia, men chase you. That’s not one of those proto-memes. That’s just her attitude about dating. On her way out, she tells the camera that she’s an adult and she doesn’t want to be there, which is what I say whenever I leave literally any location.
Josh gives Amanda his rose and they make out while he fists a frozen pizza. Nick picks Jen, Grace and Lace stay together for another week. Evan gives Carly his rose. Brett makes the bold move to just leave. Was anyone really shipping him and Lauren H.? He drops his rose and turns around and walks. A good number of people in this episode just gather their suitcases and walk directly toward the ocean, which I don’t think is the way to the black SUV pick-up location.
It all comes down to Wells. He gives his rose to Ashley I., and he looks miserable about it. Ashley says that she’s on her way to having a boyfriend and she’s going to go to the fantasy suite. Sure you are, honey.
The next day is the start of “couples’ week,” which sounds exhausting and I’m in a couple. Carly is worried that Evan is going to pull a Kirk on her and dump her out of nowhere. Jen would like Nick to express literally one feeling to her. Ashley is mainly worried about what she’s going to do with her hymen after she bangs Wells. Frame it? Carly asks if Ashley is going to sit on Wells’s (LONG BLEEPED NOISE) and I want to know what they bleeped. Face? Penis? Lap? Pineapple headphones? Wells is busy thinking that there’s no way he can sleep with Ashley in the Fantasy Suite because mountains of evidence suggest that would be a terrible idea. He decides that he can’t be Ashley’s first because they met three days ago. Wells tells Ashley he’s not interested in helping her become a woman and excuses himself. Ashley tries so incredibly hard not to cry that she pops a vein in her forehead, then she packs up her suitcase and walks toward the waves.
Everyone goes on their final dates. Jen and Nick attempt to go surfing, but mostly fall on their faces. Evan and Carly use their bodies to paint, guided by a witch with giant titties. Grant and Lace get matching tattoos from some Gimli-looking dude in a small town in Mexico. Josh and Amanda play soccer with some kids and Amanda doesn’t know which goal she’s supposed to kick toward.
Josh attempts to sound excited about raising Amanda’s children, but he also says, “I like children in general.” That’s a direct quote. How is this guy real? How is Amanda falling for this? Nothing Amanda says to Josh seems to affect what he says. He asks if her daughters like sports and Amanda says they like dance and he says, “I can teach them [about sports].” Yo, homie. Her kids like to dance. They don’t want to be screamed at by a villain from a Van Wilder movie.
In the end, the final four couples go to their fantasy suites and everyone who needs to hear “I love you” or something close to it hears those magic words and everyone makes plans for their future. Tomorrow, we’ll see how Nick and Jen don’t work out to prep us for the next season of The Bachelor! Congrats, everyone else! Let’s get this over with.