If you can put down your hoagie for two goddamn seconds, and lord knows you can’t, then pick up the phone with those mayo-covered hands of yours and dial The Late Show’s Celebrity Chat Line. The actual hotline, which you can reach at 1-844-600-LATE, will connect you with any number of breathy pre-recorded messages from a host of celebrities or, if two calls suggest a pattern, just Tituss Burgess. While the parody video plays on the titillating prospect of hearing behind-the-scenes dirt from your favorite stars in a comically sexy fashion, the truth is you could actually masturbate to it, if you really wanted to. Which you do, don’t you? Lord, what is wrong with you? At least put down the hoagie, for the love of God.