If I hadn't promised Vulture I would recap the entire season, this would be my resignation letter. Tonight is the night the lights went out in Georgia for Finding Prince Charming. Or rather, the night Robby got booted off the show and I looked at the friends who I watch this mess with and said, "Well, I guess we're done."
The episode starts on the heels of last week's disaster. Robby is feeling insecure about having been in the bottom for the first time, a position I doubt very highly is foreign to my reality-TV-perfect friend (but usually with much more fulfilling results). Lance Bass arrives to announce they'll be having a MASQUERADE BALL where they'll make masks and reveal a secret about themselves. This immediately turned me off because I hate masks (I've ended friendships over Sleep No More) and I also hate secrets. They apparently make their own masks, and they're going to parade them around the house in broad daylight. They also wear tuxedos in broad daylight and this only serves to piss me off. If there's anything I hate more than a tuxedo, it's a tuxedo in broad daylight. Who decided tuxedos were the only thing dudes can wear when they're "dressy"? That person was probably Robert, because they're absurdly repressed and uninteresting. Hi, Robert! Thanks for blocking me on Twitter despite having never followed nor tagged you in any post.
The house is only uglier in daylight and you wonder how a show on a GAY NETWORK could have such a hideous house. If this were an Airbnb, I would not only demand my money back but require they make an immediate donation to the Trevor Project for services rendered.
The masks apparently reveal a secret about each person, so they all line up to admit said secret to our spooky Gay Bachelor. When Robby walked up to speak, I immediately sensed trouble because Robert quizzes him about why he's funny. I wish Robby had told him the reason he's funny is because he's an interesting human being and not traditional garbage, but he doesn't. Robert has the audacity to say, "I don't want to teach people not to be themselves." Oh, good. I'm glad we aren't doing that on the GAY NETWORK.
Lance Bass makes a point of being impressed by everyone's masks. I was not. I hate arts and crafts almost as much as I hate masks, but I still loved this segment because props always make comedy a billion times better. Ask Carrot Top or those gals on the brooms in Wicked.
Eric eventually reveals he is HIV-positive and it's the biggest moment of the episode, if not the entire series. It's a really beautiful, honest revelation and I commend Eric for his ability to be so vulnerable on television. It's a genuinely sweet moment, and Robert handles it gracefully enough.
Then they just hang around the house and I got bored and tuned out for a long time.
Brandon pulls Robert aside. They share a heart-to-heart and eventually make out as I shout at the television to run for the hills. Brandon is a good guy and way too good for this nonsense. Despite all this, he tongue-kisses Gay Bachelor in a way that made even me consider Mike Pence for half a second.
Now it's time for everybody to catch up in the pool. If I'm being honest, this is when I really started to give up on the show. Sure, the pilot was a lot of fun, but week by week, we're putting eliminations into the hands of the most boring person I've ever watched on TV. (And I watched The West Wing after Sorkin left!) Anyway, I guess they swim for a while and then we finally get to the Black Tie Affair.
At this event, they all wear AIDS ribbons in support of Eric, which is sweet. Justin is especially supportive, and I'd like to point out he's welcome to Facebook me at any time.
In the end, Gay Bachelor sends Robby home, a patently absurd thing to do. It also marks the moment the show officially did whatever is the opposite of jumping the shark is, because jumping a shark is actually interesting. This show shot "interesting" in the foot for the sake of helping some "interior designer from Atlanta" (as the commercials say) find reality-show love. Meanwhile, the rest of us are forced to watch a show without a comedic voice for the rest of the season, and I'm pissed.
Robby was the one thing lifting this show to greatness, so in protest, I'm ending this "recap" here. I have nothing left to say. Robby is a star. The rest of the people on this show do seem lovely, but this was Robby's show through and through.
As an addendum, I do want to point out that Dillon was on my Facebook Live talk show last week, which you can view at jefferylive.com. He was a delight and sexy and sweet and smart, but Robby is reality television personified.
I will miss him. Finding Prince Charming will miss him. And whoever told Robert to send him home made a big mistake.
The most depressing thing of all? Gay Bachelor made everyone admit their secrets to him and yet he keeps all his own secrets to himself. The secrets we can see by Googling his name. Secrets that could help a lot of people. But that wouldn't help those rainbow sidewalks in Atlanta, would it?