In the world of late-night comedy, a show’s ability to deftly and pointedly respond to events is completely dependent on when those events take place. That is to say: You cannot joke about the news if the news happens after you wrap for the week. So it was that Stephen Colbert found himself late this afternoon, when news broke that the FBI is investigating Hillary Clinton’s emails … again. The problem? Colbert, like other late-nighters, tapes two shows on Thursday night, the latter of which airs Friday. So, even though his show airs tonight, it won’t touch on the story.
Therefore, from his totally fake office, Colbert gave a quick rundown of the breaking story: Apparently, the Feds discovered some Clinton emails in a device used by Anthony Weiner — the estranged husband of Clinton campaign aide Huma Abedin — while investigating Weiner’s recent sexting scandal involving a 15-year-old girl. To be clear: These emails are not related to Weiner’s scandal; however, they were discovered during the investigation into his case. Or, as Colbert puts it here: “Anthony Weiner’s penis might end two political careers.” Just when Clinton thought she was free to cruise past Gropey McTrumperson into the White House. Or, as Colbert again puts it: “Horny men giveth, and horny men taketh away.” Finally, he has a question for Hillary Clinton: “What cursed monkey’s paw did you wish upon to become president? Just stop touching it!”
Here’s the whole bonus monologue, posted to his Twitter account this afternoon: