My friends, we have come to the end of a long campaign. Although it’s not the result we wanted, the people have spoken. It was a hard fought race, but my opponent won. Somehow.
I congratulate him, and call for an end to partisan bickering and political posturing. I urge all Americans to come together and in one voice say, “We made the wrong choice. We should have elected Dave, and we’re sorry. We want a do-over.” The American government adheres to the rules of take-backsies! I’m pretty sure that’s in The Constitution.
Now is not the time for division. Now is the time for “super-division,” a level of division unheard of in American politics. If you see someone on the street who supported my opponent, I want you punch them right in the fucking face. Take their wallet, and donate that money to my Super-PAC. Give ‘em something to think about.
If I can’t run this country, I want to burn it to the ground.
I just got off the phone with my opponent, and I congratulated him on his victory. I also congratulated him on being a huge douche. I thanked him for doing the hard work it takes to become not just a douche, but a huge douche. May God give him the strength to eat shit.
I’d like to take this opportunity to thank my running mate, who is the biggest reason I did not win. You should have worked harder, Steve. Or found a way to be less ugly. People can’t stand the sight of you, Steve. You balded them into voting for the other guy.
America is blessed to not have to deal with Steve, who should have tattooed a better looking face on his big, bald head. Then, he could have walked around with his head down, and not terrified our volunteers. America deserves better.
To the campaign reporter who thought it was ‘clever’ and ‘newsworthy’ to dig up my racist past, and my racist present: you are a sleazy, privacy-invading power hungry monster. How dare you reprint the things I said in private, on Instagram, to 800,000 people?? Have you no shame?
To my wife Cheryl and my kids, Todd & AJ: you are the reason I get up in the morning. And leave the house. And spend time with my secret family, who are the best family a man could ask for. My secret family showed up early and stayed late to help my campaign, while you guys wasted time at “work” or “in middle school.” Well, great job not electing your father, kids. I hope they teach you how to “buy your own food” because I’m sure as hell not doing it.
I’m done with you guys. I am Audi 5000.
In the closing moments of my campaign, I’m reminded of a retiree in Boise who told me, “I need help. Social Security doesn’t cover all my expenses, and sometimes I need to choose between food and medicine.” Tonight I say to her: Fuck you. You’re on your own. You should have gotten more of your dipshit friends to vote for me. How dare you. And to the 9/11 responder who said he can’t afford his lung transplant, you are a national disgrace.
And to the state of Florida: I have nothing bad to say about you. You’re my favorite state. I love you.
Scripture tells us: “The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away.” These words stand as steadfast comfort to those idiots who believe in God.
There is no God. If there was, I’d be county water commissioner right now, instead of Bradley Fisher, who I have it on good authority plans to poo in your water. He will then use that poo water to power a machine that makes pornography.
Here’s your God, you miserable fucks. Yes, I am holding up a poo-powered porno tape. You were all so busy administering poo-porno to yourselves that you voted for a monster. I hope you all burn in hell.
Thank you all, and I’ll see you in four years!
Asterios Kokkinos is a stand-up comic who’s written and performed for FOX, Spike TV, Yahoo!, The Nerdist, Maximum Fun, Geek & Sundry, Reductress, National Lampoon, Screen Junkies, and Cracked. He’s been featured on NPR’s Marketplace, and starred in a series of comedy shorts for Hungry Man Dinners. His work has been praised by The Huffington Post, College Humor, Playboy, and The A.V. Club.
Hana Michels grew up on the west side of Los Angeles, the daughter of two Jewish psychologists, she pursued a career in comedy in hopes of utilizing her unique ability to judge herself at a professional level. She is one of the founders of The Cinderblock Comedy Festival in Brooklyn and has written for McSweeney’s, Reductress, Paste, and The Hard Times. She is currently working on a magazine for The Devastator and a show for JASH.
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