200+ Great Donald Trump Jokes and Sketches

By
Alec Baldwin doing his best Trump Photo: NBC/NBCU Photo Bank via Getty Images

As a presidential hopeful, Donald Trump flouts a lot of norms: He speaks without a filter, plays nice with neither opponents nor Republicans, embraces character flaws any sane person would hide at all costs — the list goes on (and on and on). Consequently, he is, in a way, a difficult subject for comedy: His antics are hard to top, and even when there’s room to mock him, he’s likely to one-up himself before a joke can even be made. With Trump talking penis size during debates and tweeting about sex tapes at 3 a.m., life is out-mocking art.

Thankfully, a number of undaunted comedians have taken up the challenge of the Donald. What follows is a long list of some of the most effective Trump jabs and sketches, dating from years before Trump’s candidacy right up to Election Day, and delivered by everyone from Louis C.K. to Hillary Clinton herself. May we laugh, so we do not weep.

Donald Trump Joke Generator

“'Take a Tic Tac and grab them by the pussy’ is the closest thing to a plan Donald Trump has described this entire election.” ―Samantha Bee

“News organizations simply are not equipped to cover a candidate whose entire being is a lie.” —Samantha Bee

“No one was suggesting superficial changes for Trump like ‘Try wearing a suit that actually fits,’ or ‘Embrace your baldness proudly,’ or ‘Don’t snort your way through the debates like Jean-Pierre’s prize truffle pig.’ Dude, keep your germs to yourself; I heard there’s a vaccine skeptic in the parking lot!” —Samantha Bee

“Maintaining the image of fairness requires them to portray Hillary and Trump as equally flawed candidates even though they know that’s incorrect. On the one hand, you have the most breathtakingly unqualified ignoramus to ever heave his spray-tanned balls within striking distance of elected office; a race-baiting bully who, according to two meticulously researched biographies, is a tax-cheating, investor-swindling, worker-shafting, dictator-loving, pathologically lying, attorneys general bribing, philandering, mobbed-up, narcissistic serial con artist who hasn’t got the attention span to read a fortune cookie, much less a fucking intelligence briefing. While, on the other hand, Hillary Clinton used a private email server. See? Perfectly even.” —Samantha Bee

“Obviously, Trump didn’t invent racism. If he had, it would have gone bankrupt years ago.” —Samantha Bee

“That’s right: Donald Trump came out as a birther, which is Republican for ‘I’m running for president!’” —Lewis Black

“Finally, a leader who talks to other countries the way they deserve — like a bookie from Staten Island.” —Lewis Black

“You might say he’d make a terrible president. I mean, the guy bankrupted his casino. A casino — where the house always wins!” —Lewis Black

"That’s what [Trump] is best at: putting a bow on a turd, marking up the price, and selling it so hard you want it even though you know it’s just a turd with a bow on it. America is that turd! It’s time to let Donald Trump come in, put some gold leaf on the border and marble columns around Florida, throw up his name in big lights over the Midwest, and sell this whole thing to the Chinese before they realize it’s half-broken. This is what I've been waiting for my whole life: a president who's not afraid to tell the truth about being a lying asshole." —Lewis Black

"You started your campaign by accusing Mexicans of being rapists. Now you're on tape explaining how you sexually assault women. The only way you could be more hypocritical is if you said it in Spanish." —Michael Che

“At this point, Trump is the political equivalent of a phone-sex operator. He’s just whispering whatever dirty little racist fantasies Republicans want to hear.” —Michael Che

“Is Trump seriously just now realizing his supporters are a bunch of window-licking water heads? Donald, you are talking to the craziest people in the country. You could literally take off your shoe mid-speech, hold it up to your ear, say you’re getting a call from Batman, and they would be quiet until you hung up your shoe.” —Michael Che

“Now, if you’re a woman and hear Tic Tacs shaking in someone’s pocket, it’s like hearing the Jaws theme.” —Colin Jost

“Sarah Palin just guaranteed Trump the Evangelical vote by speaking in tongues!” ―Stephen Colbert

"Over the weekend, three pages of Donald Trump's 1995 tax return were leaked, revealing that he declared a $916 million loss from his three Atlantic City casinos. That's right: Donald Trump lost money on casinos. You know what they say, 'The house always loses.'" —Stephen Colbert

“I do think Donald Trump is honest in his own way. He is honestly an egomaniacal billionaire.” —Stephen Colbert

"A new poll by Public Policy Polling shows Hillary Clinton getting 43 percent, Donald Trump with 38 percent, and — this was an actual choice — a giant meteor hitting the Earth got 13 percent. Thirty-eight percent for Trump, 13 percent for meteor — that adds up to 51 percent of the people okay with the world coming to an end. Yes, two giant, destructive orange balls." —Stephen Colbert

"While they were in the DNC cybermatrix, the Russians apparently stole opposition research on Donald Trump. Russia, what are you doing? If you want damaging information about Donald Trump, just wait for him to talk." —Stephen Colbert

“Trump is unstoppable. He's like Godzilla with less foreign-policy experience." —Stephen Colbert

“Yes, Donald Trump refuses to be politically correct. And, just to be safe, he refuses to be correct.” —Stephen Colbert

"Hillary Clinton actually went to her granddaughter's 2nd-birthday party instead of preparing for the first debate against Trump. I guess she figured being around a bunch of screaming toddlers might help her even more." —Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump was actually describing himself in an interview this week and said that his strongest suit is his temperament. Although, sadly, even that suit is made in China." —Jimmy Fallon

“A Donald Trump rally was delayed for nearly two hours yesterday due to fog. At one point, the fog was so thick, Trump supporters couldn’t even see who they were punching.” —Jimmy Fallon

"The Boston Globe just reported that, according to his campaign staff, Donald Trump wouldn't take any vacations as president. I think that's because he has offended so many other countries he can't leave this one." —Jimmy Fallon

"A 12-year-old boy is actually running one of Trump's campaign offices in Colorado. When asked how an inexperienced child could be running things, the boy said, 'Look, he's the nominee and we're stuck with him.'" —Jimmy Fallon

“A new study of the candidates' Facebook fans found that Donald Trump's fans have the worst grammar. Which isn't surprising, since Trump's whole campaign has been one, big run-on sentence. 'We need to build a wall and fix the economy and get back at China and Rosie O'Donnell and I'm very rich and here's a red hat and … '” —Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump had yet another awkward moment today. Apparently, there was a crying baby at one of his rallies, and Trump actually kicked it out, saying, 'Get the baby out of here.' It backfired when the Secret Service tried to remove Trump." —Jimmy Fallon

"Paul Ryan said what Trump is saying about a judge of Mexican heritage is the 'textbook definition' of a racist comment. Even worse, that textbook is made by Trump University." —Jimmy Fallon

"Donald Trump fired his campaign manager Corey Lewandowski. Trump said Lewandowski was controversial, impulsive, and short-tempered — and will make a great running mate." —Jimmy Fallon

"At a rally over the weekend, Donald Trump was surrounded by Secret Service agents after a man tried to rush the stage. The Secret Service said the man was dangerous and disturbed, but they had to protect him anyway. Proving once and for all: The best way to keep everyone safe and sound is to build a wall around Donald Trump." —Jimmy Fallon

“Donald Trump said that he's not going to the Fox News debate because moderator Megyn Kelly is biased against him. And Trump has a right to be scared, because usually when a younger, attractive woman disagrees with him, she ends up taking half his stuff.” —Jimmy Fallon

“If Donald Trump wins, my guess is America will look a lot like it did in Back to the Future II,' when Biff was in charge.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Today Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge to the Republican Party saying that he would endorse for president whoever wins the Republican nomination and would not run as a third-party candidate as he has threatened to in the past. And I'll tell you something: When Donald Trump makes a vow, he keeps it. Ask any of his wives — they will tell you.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“On Saturday, Donald Trump had some unkind words for Arizona senator John McCain. Can you imagine being tortured five and a half years in a Vietnamese prison camp, and then a man whose greatest wartime accomplishment was brokering a peace treaty on Celebrity Apprentice between Gary Busey and Meat Loaf belittles you and calls you a loser?” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Trump is very confident. He could be the only presidential candidate to ever pick himself as a running mate.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Donald Trump has claimed that his candidacy is fueling more interest in voting. More people are signing up to vote — just like herpes fuels more interest in Valtrex, for instance.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“The closest Trump ever got to battle was his fight with Rosie O'Donnell.” —Jimmy Kimmel

“Maybe [Trump] should ease into this by running for a lower office first, like president of the Hair Club for Men.” ―Jimmy Kimmel

“The good news is, President Obama was born in America. The bad news is, so was Donald Trump.”  —Jay Leno

“In an exclusive interview with the Christian Broadcasting Network, Donald Trump said, ‘I believe in God.’ But of course the Donald was talking about himself.” ―Jay Leno

“Trump had medical deferment. He had inter-rectum cranial inversion — which means his head is up his ass.” —Jay Leno on Trump avoiding military service in Vietnam

“Donald Trump may be running for president. He said he's sick and tired of the rest of the world laughing at the United States. Well, President Trump will certainly put an end to that!” ―David Letterman

"How would Trump travel as president? Obviously, he’d use Hair Force One.” —David Letterman

"Donald Trump had a meltdown about what a great temperament he has. It was like watching someone carve 'I'm not a psycho' into their arm." —Bill Maher

"At the Fox debate, Donald Trump revealed himself to be nasty, boorish, sexist, ignorant, and smug. And that's what the Republicans love about him."  —Bill Maher

“I hope that when we look back on this, Trump is like Y2K. We thought it was going to be a disaster, we shit our pants, and then it was a bunch of nothing.” —Bill Maher

“I always said this would be a tight race. I have never seen an election quite like this. On one side a hysterical woman, and on the other side Hillary Clinton.” —Bill Maher

“There are schizophrenics with Tourette's who have more control over what comes out of their mouths than Donald Trump.” ―Bill Maher

“Here's the thing about Donald Trump: He never apologizes; he's never wrong no matter what crazy thing he says. He's the white Kanye.” ―Bill Maher

“What Donald Trump really reminds me of is a spoiled 5-year-old throwing a tantrum. Every time a parent takes the kids’ side over the teachers’ and asks a child where they want to go to dinner or doesn’t say ‘be quiet when adults are talking,’ you are creating the Donald Trumps of tomorrow.” —Bill Maher

"Trump's campaign manager, Kellyanne Conway, said this morning that Republicans should decide whether or not they support Donald Trump and 'stop pussyfooting around.' That's the worst choice of words since Abraham Lincoln said, 'I need slavery like I need a hole in the head.'"  —Seth Meyers

"NBC suspended Billy Bush for his words on the Trump tape, which means there is currently a higher standard for host for third hour of the Today show than there is for the Republican nominee for president." —Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump owns the Miss USA Pageant, which is great for Republicans since it will streamline their search for a vice-president.” —Seth Meyers

“I like that Trump is filthy rich, but nobody told his accent. His whole life is models and gold leaf and marble columns, but he still sounds like a know-it-all down at the OTB.” —Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump often appears on Fox, which is ironic because a fox often appears on Donald Trump's head. If you're at the Washington Post table with Trump and you can't finish your entree, don't worry — the fox will eat it.” —Seth Meyers

“Mr. Trump may not be a good choice for president, but he would definitely make a great press secretary. How much fun would that be? 'Kim Jong-Il is a loser — his latest rally was a flop. I feel bad for Ahmadinejad — the man wears a windbreaker, he has no class. I on the other hand sell my own line of ties. You can find them at Macy's in the flammable section.’” —Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump was still saying Obama's birth certificate could be fake last year. And I'm not sure the guy who holds fake press conferences, has a fake university, a fake foundation, fake hair, and a fake tan should be the one in charge of deciding what's real." —Seth Meyers

"So, Trump got rid of his old campaign chairman who was trying to get him to tone down his rhetoric and hired people who want him to be even more controversial. Trump’s like an alcoholic who fires his doctor and starts getting medical advice from his bartender."  —Seth Meyers

"In the last 24 hours, Donald Trump has refused to endorse Republican leaders up for reelection, accused John McCain of failing veterans, suggested Americans pull their 401(k)s out of the stock market, threw out a crying baby at a rally, fought with the father of a dead soldier, and suggested President Obama was responsible for the death of troops during George W. Bush's time in office. Said voters, 'Yeah, but I'm not sure I trust Hillary Clinton.'" —Seth Meyers

"Trump is kind of like the movie Snakes on a Plane. Sure, the idea is entertaining. But an actual snake on your plane would be terrifying. And that's what's happening now. The plane is American democracy. And the snake is Trump." —Seth Meyers

“A new poll released today shows Donald Trump is leading the Republican field with 24 percent. How far are we going to let this go? It's almost Thanksgiving. Trump is still leading. Next thing you know, he's winning Iowa, then he takes New Hampshire, then he somehow actually becomes the Republican nominee. And before you know it, Hillary Clinton is president!” —Seth Meyers

"In an interview this morning, Donald Trump said mosques need to be 'watched and studied' because he believes they may spread hateful views. In related news, Donald Trump needs to be watched and studied." —Seth Meyers

"It's official now, Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump have both clinched the nomination for their respective parties. Which means we could be looking at our first female president or our last president." —Seth Meyers

"Donald Trump is continuing to draw criticism for his claims that Judge Gonzalo Curiel's Mexican heritage makes him unfit to preside over a lawsuit against Trump University, despite the fact that Curiel was born and raised in Indiana. And when Trump found that out, he said, 'Oh, no, he's an Indian, too?'" —Seth Meyers

“At a rally in Las Vegas last night Donald Trump told supporters he'd like to punch protesters in the face. Though he looks more like the kind of guy who would stroke a white cat while somebody else punched you in the face.” —Seth Meyers

“A protester had to be escorted out of a Donald Trump rally last night for yelling, 'Trump's a racist.' The protester was removed because the Trump campaign has that phrase copyrighted.” —Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said that he was running for president as a Republican. That's funny, because I thought he was running as a joke.” ―Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump likes to say he's a friend to ‘the blacks.’ Unless the Blacks are a family of white people, I'm guessing he's mistaken.” ―Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump announced today that he is running for president. And based on the amount of bronzer he uses, he's also running for president of the Spokane NAACP.” —Seth Meyers

“Donald Trump said yesterday that if he's elected, he would 'probably not talk as much.' That's right, if Donald Trump is elected, even he will be speechless.” —Seth Meyers

“Hillary Clinton pointed out that no living president has endorsed Donald Trump. Nice try, Hillary, but it just so happens that Vladimir Putin is living!” ―Seth Meyers

“Republican hopeful Rick Perry this week compared Donald Trump to cancer. Which really isn't fair, because sometimes you can get rid of cancer.”  —Seth Meyers

"Oh, Donald Trump, the media is not rigged against you. They're just recording what you say and playing it back. If anything, you’re rigging your own campaign." —Trevor Noah

“Trump's an asshole, but he's honest. He's honestly an asshole.” ―Trevor Noah

“You can bait Donald Trump into anything. ‘Hey, Donald, I bet your hands are too small to give me a hand job.’ ‘Oh yeah? Drop those pants! Your orgasm is gonna be huge!’” —Trevor Noah

"Donald Trump's charity, the Trump Foundation, is no longer allowed to accept donations in New York. This is really bad news for anyone who thought, 'I'd like to make sure my money gets to the people who really need it; I know, I'll funnel it through Donald Trump.'" —Conan O’Brien

"On Monday, former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson endorsed Donald Trump. Tyson joins Trump's biggest group of supporters: people who have been hit in the head a lot.” —Conan O’Brien

“A new study claims the stress of being president takes three years off your life. So suddenly everyone is thinking of voting for Trump.” —Conan O’Brien

“Donald Trump said, 'There’s nobody that’s done so much for equality as I have.' That’s right, he said: 'In some states, I’m hated equally by blacks and Hispanics.'” —Conan O’Brien

“After Donald Trump’s derogatory comments about immigrants, NBC has officially cancelled Celebrity Apprentice. Think about it, Donald Trump isn’t even president yet, and he’s already made America a better place.” —Conan O’Brien

“A reporter claims she was pushed over by one of Donald Trump’s campaign advisers. Isn’t that crazy? Donald Trump has a campaign adviser.” —Conan O’Brien

“After he won yesterday's Nevada caucus, Donald Trump said, 'I love the poorly educated.' Trump then said, 'And when I'm president there'll be more of them than ever.'” —Conan O'Brien

"Last night, Donald Trump said if he's elected, he will employ a 'deportation task force.' It's not really necessary, because if he's elected most people will probably leave voluntarily." —Conan O'Brien

“Donald Trump is still under fire for mocking a reporter with physical disabilities. Trump told his supporters, 'Don't worry, I'll soon do something worse and all this will be forgotten.'” —Conan O'Brien

"This weekend, Donald Trump tried to win over black voters by asking them, 'What the hell do you have to lose?' Coincidentally, that's also the way he proposed to all three of his wives." —Conan O'Brien

"Donald Trump is now ahead of Hillary Clinton in the polls. This was reported today in the Washington Post, and 2,000 years ago in the Book of Revelation." —Conan O'Brien

“Donald Trump has come out in favor of shutting down Planned Parenthood. However, experts say if he really wants Planned Parenthood to go under, he should turn it into a Trump property.” —Conan O"Brien

"Yesterday, Donald Trump said, 'If I lose, I don't think you'll ever see me again.' So finally, a Trump campaign slogan we can all get behind." —Conan O’Brien

“Hillary Clinton said she went to Donald Trump's wedding but didn't give him a gift. Trump said, 'Just for that, you're not coming to my next three weddings.'” —Conan O'Brien

“Donald Trump has canceled a planned trip to Israel. When asked why, Trump said, 'They already have a wall and a fear of Muslims. My work there is done.'” —Conan O’Brien

“Despite Donald Trump's tough stance on immigration, Trump Modeling Agency is being accused of hiring lower-paid foreign models. In his defense, Trump says those aren't laborers, those are 'future wives.'” —Conan O'Brien

“A word association poll found the words most associated with Donald Trump are idiot, jerk, stupid, and dumb. In other words, he really could be our next president. He's got everything it takes.” —Conan O'Brien

"Nearly 70 percent of Americans said a Trump presidency would make them 'anxious.' And 30 percent said a Trump presidency would make them 'Canadian.'" —Conan O'Brien

“Analysts say Hillary Clinton's plan to defeat Donald Trump involves painting Trump as 'dangerous and bigoted.' She plans on doing this by quoting Trump accurately.” —Conan O'Brien

"Republicans are blaming President Obama for creating Donald Trump. While others say he was created in a lab when a young real estate developer was bitten by a radioactive douchebag." —Conan O’Brien

"At a Donald Trump rally the other night, a supporter shouted out the Nazi salute 'Sieg Heil!' Trump immediately responded, 'There is no place for that here — save it for my inauguration.'" —Conan O’Brien

"Donald Trump is America’s back mole. It may have seemed harmless a year ago, but now that it’s become frighteningly bigger, it’s no longer wise to ignore it." —John Oliver

“A Trump rally being canceled due to violence is the most predictable thing to happen in this campaign since Donald Trump mentioning the size of his dick.” —John Oliver

“[Trump] claimed that his net worth changes depending on his mood, which makes absolutely no sense. Probably because he always seems to be in the same mood: smug yet gassy.” —John Oliver

“[Writing notes] in gold Sharpie is so quintessentially Trump. Something that gives the passing appearance of wealth but is actually a cheap tool.” —John Oliver

“It is a little ironic that the Miss USA beauty pageant is overseen by one of the ugliest souls on the planet.” —John Oliver

“Of course [Trump] wants an Emmy. It’s a woman, it’s gold, and it’s proportionate to his tiny hands. It’s basically Trump’s ideal mate.” —John Oliver, re: Trump’s complaints about his inability to win an award for The Apprentice

“When [Trump] is sworn in as president on January 20, 2017, his opinions are going to matter. And you will remember that date, because it’s the one that time travelers from the future will come back to try and stop the whole thing from happening.” —John Oliver

“Donald Trump just talked about his dick during a presidential debate! A dick which I presume looks like a Cheeto with the cheese dust rubbed off.” —John Oliver

“In a way, we are all Trump Election Day Observers. Because, if you look out of your window in November and see the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, you’ll know, ‘Oh, shit, they just called Florida.’” —John Oliver on Trump’s ostensible poll-watchers

“Donald Trump can seem appealing until you take a closer look, much like the lunch buffet at a strip club, or the NFL or having a pet chimpanzee. Sure it seems fun, but some day Coco is gonna tear your fucking limbs off.” —John Oliver

“It’s like an internet-comment troll ran for president.” —Jon Stewart

“Are we really doing this Donald Trump thing? We’re really doing that as a country? He’s fucked. I like to put my name in giant letters on everything I own as much as the next guy, but the only other people that do that are like 8-year-olds going to camp.” —Jon Stewart

“Trump does seem like the kind of guy you want to sit down and own a fleet of airplanes with.” —Jon Stewart

“[Trump is] the kind of person who goes to the Super Bowl and thinks the people in the huddle are talking about him." ―Eric Schneiderman

“Donald has attacked every person of color — except John Boehner.” —Joe Biden

“But folks, on a serious point, Trump said he likes ‘people who don’t get captured.’ What a terrible thing to say about my friend and a genuine war hero, John McCain. So tonight I call on Donald Trump to be a man of his word — and release Chris Christie right now.” —Joe Biden

“Say what you will about Trump, he is not stupid. He is a smart man with a deep understanding of what stupid people want.” ―Andy Borowitz

“Donald Trump announces this morning that he will run for president. His hair will announce on Friday.” —Albert Brooks

“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” ―Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump has had several foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are jobs Americans won't do.” —Mitt Romney

“[Trump] might win. He’s got enough ex-wives to vote for him.” —Chris Rock

“Trump threatening not to show up for next debate if Megyn Kelly is moderating! I bet he’s so mad he has ‘blood coming out of his wherever.’” —Bette Midler

“What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I'm so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It's getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” —Julia Louis Dreyfus

“Donald Trump is like what a hobo imagines a rich man to be. Like Trump was walking around under an underpass, and he heard some guy like ‘Oh, as soon as my number comes in, I’m gonna put up tall buildings with my name on ’em! I’ll have fine golden hair, and a TV show where I fire Gene Simmons with my children.’ And Trump was like ‘That is how I will live my life.'” —John Mulaney

“Donald Trump’s not good at running for president, he’s just good at ‘Family Feud.’ And these other people are terrible at ‘Family Feud.’ So when the Steve Harvey of this election is like ‘Name something that is bothering Americans,’ and Ted Cruz is like ‘Benghazi!’ [buzzer noise]. But then Trump is like ‘All the problems.’ And that’s the No. 1 answer.” —John Mulaney

“I was in the elevator alone with him, just by chance. And he just looked so miserable. He looks so unhappy. And all that money … I realize this is weird, he has all those billions of dollars. But he’s fucking billion dollars, because he needs a $100 billion to look in the mirror and not want to kill himself.” —Louis C.K.

“Please stop it with voting for Trump. It was funny for a little while. But the guy is Hitler. Do you think Germans in the ’30s saw that shit coming? Hitler was just some hilarious and refreshing dude with a weird comb-over who would say anything at all.” —Louis C.K.

“Donald Trump has all the charm of a turd that won’t flush. Look what he said about his own daughter — that if he wasn’t Ivanka’s dad, he’d probably be dating her. Bleurgh. And when he’s not trying to bone his kids, he keeps banging on about building a wall to keep Mexicans out. He said, ‘If you think walls don’t work, all you have to do is ask Israel.’ Yeah, because it’s really peaceful over there. Walls work? Not if you ask Palestinians, you hamster-haired bellend.” —Russell Howard

“Donald Trump looks like a plughole in an orangutan sanctuary. His hair looks like a slovenly post-coital cat. He’s probably only running for president because this dimension doesn’t have a Superman he can give a hard time to.” —Frankie Boyle

“Donald Trump really has egg on his face now. Which pairs nicely with the hash browns on the top of his head." —James Corden

“Donald Trump showed his birth certificate to reporters. Who cares about his birth certificate? I want to know if that thing on his head has had its vaccinations.” ―Craig Ferguson

“Donald Trump is the whitehead that the GOP has been growing for decades.” —Sarah Silverman

“Donald Trump has had two foreign wives. It turns out that there are really are jobs Americans won't do.” ―Mitt Romney

“What a great honor it must be for you to honor me tonight. I’m so sorry; Donald Trump said that. It’s getting trickier and trickier to satirize this stuff.” —Julia Louis Dreyfus

“Trump knows a thing or two about running waterfront properties into the ground.” —Barack Obama, on the possibility of Trump closing Guantanamo

His dispute with Trump "dates back to when we were growing up in Kenya. We had constant run-ins on the soccer field; he wasn't very good and resented it. When we finally moved to America, I thought it would be over.” —Barack Obama

"Donald Trump is here tonight. Now, I know that he’s taken some flak lately. But no one is happier — no one is prouder — to put this birth certificate matter to rest than the Donald. And that’s because he can finally get back to focusing on the issues that matter: Like, did we fake the moon landing? What really happened in Roswell? And where are Biggie and Tupac?” —Barack Obama

"People look at the Statue of Liberty and they see a proud symbol of our history as a nation of immigrants, a beacon of hope for people around the world. Donald looks at the Statue of Liberty and sees a four. Maybe a five, if she loses the torch and tablet and changes her hair.” —Hillary Clinton

"Now, you notice, there is no teleprompter here tonight, which is probably smart, because maybe you saw Donald dismantle his prompter the other day. And I get that. They're hard to keep up with, and I'm sure it's even harder when you're translating from the original Russian." —Hillary Clinton

"Sharing a stage with Donald Trump is like, well, nothing really comes to mind. There is nothing like sharing a stage with Donald Trump." —Hillary Clinton

"Now, look, I have deep respect for people like Kellyanne Conway. She's working day and night for Donald, and because she's a contractor, he's probably not even going to pay her. " —Hillary Clinton

"And whoever wins this election, the outcome will be historic. We'll either have the first female president or the first president who started a Twitter war with Cher.” —Hillary Clinton

“If Donald does win, it will be awkward at the annual Presidents' Day photo when all the former presidents gather at the White House, and not just with Bill. How is Barack going to get past the Muslim ban?” —Hillary Clinton

"Donald really is as healthy as a horse. You know, the one Vladimir Putin rides around on." —Hillary Clinton

"Donald, you’re also responsible for that awful show The Apprentice. The worst part of that show is having to look at your face. Your face is so big and bloated with such a bad hairpiece, I’m surprised it’s not married to Kelly Preston pretending not to be gay." —Whitney Cummings

"Donald is very happy with his lovely wife, insert name here." —Lisa Lampanelli

“[Trump] put up more useless hotels than an autistic kid playing Monopoly." —Lisa Lampanelli

“You've ruined more models' lives than bulimia. You've disappointed more women than Sex and the City 2." —Lisa Lampanelli

"I wish that I had half of your money. But for that you need a 20-year-old's pussy and a divorce lawyer." —Snoop Dogg

"You got Melania a huge, 12-karat-diamond engagement ring. You should not have gotten her a diamond, now she knows what hard is supposed to feel like." —Whitney Cummings

"The Donald and I have a lot in common: We both live in New York, we both play golf, we both fantasize about his daughter." —Jeff Ross

"Tonight we honor a self-made millionaire. He started with nothing, worked hard, and made a fortune ... That man is Fred Trump, Donald's dad. That's right, for all his self-starter bullshit, he's basically Jaden Smith with a comb-over." —Seth MacFarlane

"Donald Trump, without a doubt, you're a New York landmark. Which means it's only a matter of time before you bulldoze yourself to build some gaudy, tacky monstrosity and put your name on it." —Larry King

“Donald Trump is not only one of my oldest and dearest friends, he is an American success story. When he graduated college, he put his shoulder to the wheel, nose to the grindstone ... borrowed $6 million from his father, and started a career.” —Larry King

"Donald, you have a great sense of humor. You've been happy to embarrass yourself on Saturday Night Live and in the casino business." —Anthony Jeselnik

"The only difference between you and Michael Douglas from the movie Wall Street is that no one’s going to be sad when you get cancer." —Anthony Jeselnik

"This guy has an ego. When Trump bangs a supermodel, he closes his eyes and imagines he's jerking off." —Seth MacFarlane

“He was even forced into the ultimate act of degradation — starring in his own reality show. And soon the top-rated TV show in the nation starred a total asshole torturing people who were stupid enough to work with him.” —Seth MacFarlane

“It’s safe to say everything Trump touches turns to gold. Especially the Miss Teen USA contestants he pees on.” —Seth MacFarlane

“Trump says — he says he's gonna run for president in 2012. But if his plan for America is to fire everyone, he's about two years too late.” —Seth MacFarlane

"Melania, you look so beautiful tonight. Give her a round of applause. You’ve been such a good sport. So gorgeous. These two are so compatible, because they both yell out Donald’s name when they climax." —Jeff Ross

"And now you’re going to run for president. Don’t you think that’s a really cool idea, you guys? You'll keep them honest. You’ll keep them honest, Donald. Personally I hope you win because I can’t wait for the assassi ... I mean inauguration." —Jeff Ross

“Now Donald said he wants to run for president and move on into the White House. Why not? It wouldn't be the first time he pushed a black family out of their home.” —Snoop Dogg

“I feel like all of Donald Trump's core memories are him yelling at bags of money” —Aparna Nancherla

“Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.” —@OhNoSheTwitnt

“Donald Trump has no political experience. Meanwhile, you need 5 years experience for an entry-level management position at Chili’s”—Eliza Bayne

“Donald Trump. Donald T. Don T. Don’t.” —@ryanrodillon

“I was gonna change my Twitter name to something scary for Halloween, but “Newly Elected President Trump” was too many characters” —@lowtax

“One sort of positive things about Donald Trump is that he could probably pull off wearing a lobster bib as an all the time accessory” —Noah Garfinkel

“Donald Trump is the first joke I’ve ever been offended by” —Morgan Murphy

“Donald Trump and Chris Christie look like rival strip club owners.” —Alex Baze

“Chris Christie just referred to Donald Trump as the next President of the United States & my butthole retracted 14 inches inside itself” —Matt Bellassai

“Donald Trump is like global warming. We didn’t believe he was real, we didn’t do anything about it, and now it’s probably too late to fix it” —@DammmnCam

“Trump is like a metal detector for racists you didn’t even know was there.” —Lauren DeStefano

“Donald Trump is every one of your dad’s Republican friends who bought a boat they can’t afford and said you’d ‘understand someday.’” —Mike Drucker

“At least when Donald Trump is president, the impending world war will be the GREATEST World War, the most tremendous war, I’m telling you” —Jill Filipovic

“if the people who want trump to become president & the people who watch "Finding Bigfoot" was a Venn diagram it would be one circle” —EJ Gomez

“When I watch Trump I feel like he’s doing a live action performance of Black Mirror” —Mike Birbiglia