Jon Stewart: ‘Hillary Clinton Is Literally Being Cock Blocked’

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Jon Stewart delivers another monologue. Photo: Laura Cavanaugh/FilmMagic

Voice of a generation Jon Stewart may have retired from the desk at The Daily Show, but that doesn't mean he still doesn't have some thoughts on one of the most internecine elections of our time. You've read about that time Donald Trump trolled Stewart on Twitter, but what does he think about the other candidate, Hillary Clinton, or as he calls her, "poor, poor, sweet dearest Hillary." "She was so ready," Stewart said Tuesday night from the stage at Madison Square Garden for the Woodruff Foundation's 10th annual Stand Up for Heroes Benefit. "I can taste it," he said, mimicking her voice. "Oh, it's so good. It's so delicious. Num num num."

But as he notes, of course, the FBI jumped in and brought Anthony Weiner back into the whole mess just days before the election. "This is insane! This is in-fucking-sane!" said Stewart. "The first woman president running for president and she's taken down by Bush and Weiner. That's just bad writing." Stewart continued:

To put up with the shit she took from her husband to have another guy's dick keep her from being president, Hillary Clinton is literally being cock blocked. I feel bad. And Trump's the one who says the system's rigged. He's the one who's like, "It's rigged. The system's rigged." I feel like, dude, you live in a tower with your name on it in gold. How well would you be doing if the man wasn't keeping you down? Would you live on a cloud?  Would you live on a cloud where angels blow you incessantly? Like, how much better can your fucking life be than living in a penthouse apartment?

Let's just split up. Everybody who's voting for Trump, they seem very happy. Everybody who's voting for Hillary are fine with that, too. Let's just split up. Trumpistan. Clintonville. Does it have to be the United States of America? Can't it just be the States of America? You know what we'll do? And we'll still, we'll still be together, we'll send out, we'll still be America. We'll bill ourselves as America when we go overseas but it'll be like The Temptations. No one will really know when they go to see them who's actually gonna be in the show. Oh, this whole fucking thing has gotten so crazy. And people say, like, "Don't you wish you were out there?  Don't you wish you were out there, doin' it?" I'm like, "Dude, I was a turd miner for 16 years and you're telling me, but, I mean right now a shit asteroid just hit the Earth. Don't you wanna be digging through that?" No, not really. No.

Reporting by Josh Grossberg.