"A toast to success and nothing less; I call this drink 'Taylor Swift' because when you're done, it writes a song about how you couldn't handle it." — VH1 poet laureate Snoop Dogg
Sometimes Snoop Dogg says something so poetic, so on-the-money, that you can't believe you're hearing it in the midst of a half-hour cooking show where he stands alongside his favorite 75-year-old white woman and two other famous people who have done no less than two of the following four things in the last month: written a book, recorded an album, starred in a TV show, become a meme.
And yet, it's true. Everything Snoop says is gold and every Martha Stewart side-eye belongs in MoMA. (Also, although not technically a part of the show, every bonkers Martha Stewart tweet deserves a framed cross-stitch for posterity.) Martha and Snoop are national treasures, and once again, they've gathered with friends to teach us how to cook things. Soon, I will actually try cooking all of these recipes and report back, but for now, let's just focus on this week's episode.
The last few Potluck Dinner Parties have been delightful, but the premiere episode simply set such a high bar for humor, charm, and conversations that take place at the end of a party when everyone's eyes are lidded and lips are loose. Tonight, that ease returns in full with the combination of two unstoppable forces of nature: 1) breakfast for dinner, and 2) Keke Palmer, the spark plug of anything and everything she graces with her presence.
The mission: As previously stated, the culinary mission is breakfast for dinner. What I haven't told you is that the episode starts off with Snoop and Martha in bed together, where Snoop succinctly announces the thesis statement of Potluck Dinner Party: "I'm not high right now, but whoever gave us this show must have been." Things get even trippier when the camera zooms out to reveal that our hosts have been standing up in a vertical bed the whole time. Snoop is wearing a lavender-velour onesie and silk headscarf, while Martha wears a sensible pajama set and full salon blow-out. Truly, they are the Fred and Ginger of our time.
The guests: Keke Palmer, who brings a Champagne flute bong and electric-red hair, is exactly the kind of guest this show needs each week. She has energy for days, she's quick-witted enough to keep up with Snoop, and she's charming enough to not annoy Martha. She also seemed genuinely interested in the cooking. Robin Thicke is also present, and while he's pleasant enough, Martha's jury seems to be out on him. (Much like mine.) Observe this classic Marty transition: "Robin, are you ever going to do another naked-lady album?" Baby, it's in her nature.
The recipes: Martha starts us off with a "Mary's Knees" cocktail, which consists of fresh lime juice, fresh lemon juice, fresh orange juice, half a cup of vodka, and the pièce de résistance, a one-third cup of orange liqueur. Martha's response to Snoop's attempt at French? "Yeah, right." But then Snoop retitles her weirdly named drink the "Taylor Swift," so, as always, everyone brings their own strength to this breakfast-for-dinner table.
For said table, Martha is making a Gruyère popover. Snoop thinks it sounds like "a fancy-ass hot pocket," and since we don't learn much else about it, I do too. No matter: Tonight's recipe segment is all about Snoop's unique frying-pan method for Snoop P-I-G-G, a.k.a. waffles with bacon-maple syrup.
"Right now, I'm not thinking about makin' love … I'm thinking about bacon love," says Snoop, confirming he is my forever soulmate. He then takes what I would estimate is 20 to 30 slices of bacon, and just piles them in a medium-size skillet. "So you're not finicky about getting nice, long, even slices of bacon?" asks Martha, a woman who's clearly finicky about getting nice, long, even slices of bacon. But as another woman who's finicky about her bacon love, I'm inspired. Snoop and Keke poke at that mound of raw cured pork until it's a mound of cooked, curly, crispy bacon. "We ain't doing that TV bacon," Snoop exclaims. "This that hood bacon, when you go to grandma's house."
Does grandma's house also have a popover pan? Because that's what Martha requires. Snoop requests a camera zoom to demonstrate that his bacon is "not sticking to the bottom of the piz-ot, it's just moving a-riz-ound. You understand me?" I really do, Snoop. I have never felt more connected to another human than during your proclamation to the bacon: "I'm gonna lay you down in this hot, hot pan until I start to hear you sizzling. And then when I feel like the time is right, I'm gonna flip you over in all your greases. You'll be flopping around, and crinkling up, and making noises. And then when I'm ready to taste you with my waffles, I'mma squirt this thick, sticky brown syrup —" aaaand cue the Martha cutoff.
Oh, hey, DJ Khaled stops by! His shirt billows in the icy kitchen wind as Martha says, "We're cooking here," suggesting he cover up lest he get splattered. Now more than ever, we need a pre-breakfast-for-dinner blessing from Archbishop of Bacon, Snoop Dogg: "At the crack of midnight, for breakfast we gather / Surrounded by friends, there's no one I'd rather / break bread with and party / soon laughter takes over / because I stuck some sticky-icky into Martha's popover."
All of the food is deemed amazing, and more important, DJ Khaled invokes the great name of Waffle House as the highest form of praise for the flavor combos. Snoop says he's always dreamed of opening "Snoop's Waffle House" on the West Coast, and as someone who made WaHo her first stop while in Georgia for Thanksgiving, consider me smothered and covered with gratitude if Snoop ever expands the franchise to New York.
Judging by tonight's party game, we really should leave the culinary creativity to the pros. In "Viewer Muchie Mashup," Martha and Snoop asked viewers to tweet their favorite foodie concoctions, to which I say when, where, and how did I miss that call to arms? Liz advises that "Maple syrup with potato chips are on point," but Martha deems them "a little flaccid." As for Heygirlheyyy's hangover-curing pizza omelet, Martha advised, "This can also be avoided," which caused me to LOL. Martha perks slightly at Megan B's cold birthday cake in a bowl of milk — there's nothing rich people like more than desserts that suck — so Snoop steps in to speak the truth: "Future reference for anyone who wants to give us your munchie mashups … please make sure the shit taste good."
In the end, Khaled gives his major keys to breakfast, and though they don't make a ton of sense, he says he can tell that Martha and Snoop's food was made with love, like you'd make at home. While pointing back to the dual-kitchen, Snoop says, "This is home. She got her side, I got my side, but we both come together to make the real thing." You guys, I swear I got a little emotional. Of course, Marty always knows how to keep it in perspective, offering her own heart-warming take: "It's a split-personality kitchen."
Finally, everyone gets in the fake standing bed together. They agree they're glad to be clothed and next to each other, rather than naked and next to Donald Trump like in Kanye West's "Famous" video. Surely, that alone is worth its weight in breakfast.