The Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: The Great Escape

The Real Housewives of Atlanta

Housewife House Wars
Season 9 Episode 2
Editor’s Rating *****
Cynthia. Photo: Bravo

These ladies are certainly firing on all emotional and bitchy cylinders this evening. Every little bit of drama is wrung out of them like a titty-sweat-soaked towel. Before we can get to the room-escape adventure, there’s a housewarming party to wrap up.

Porsha and Phaedra walk into Kenya’s house and Sherée is still cackling like a stunned witch. Porsha explains she’s Phaedra’s plus-one and everyone suddenly has to study the paint on the wall. Could that be “steamed milk” or “ecru?” Porsha has some weak compliments for the house: “It’s got walls and flooring.” Kenya rolls in and sees Porsha and she gets stress sweat between her boobs where her jumpsuit is forcing them together. Kenya asks Porsha to come outside and asks her in a pretty measured and reasonable way to leave. Porsha wasn’t invited. Unfortunately, Kenya finds it harder to draw such clear boundaries with Matt.

Reality-TV producers need to stop giving men with emotionally or physically abusive tendencies access to their female stars. How did Matt just find his way to Kenya’s housewarming if she didn’t invite him? If she invited him and we’re all just playing stupid for the cameras, then fine. If not, they know they’re wrong for this. Porsha, Phaedra, and Sherée head out as Matt arrives. He puts his face very close to Kenya’s and they go upstairs to “talk.” Well, they do talk at first and he promises to work to win his queen back. My eyes rolled so hard, I could momentarily see into my own past. Matt doesn’t mention anything specific he’s going to do and Kenya says one of the reasons she’s willing to take Matt back is that it’s scary to think about starting over with someone new. I wrote, “OH LORD, KENYA” in my notes. That should tell you everything I feel about this development. They spend the next three days banging. There goes taking things slowly.

Cynthia is at home with her gorgeous daughter, Noelle, talking about her impending divorce from Peter. Cynthia is shocked that her daughter noticed that she was unhappy, and Noelle says, “Do you have low self-esteem because nobody just sits there and argues over and over?” Cynthia breaks down and Noelle comforts her. No jokes here, Cynthia seems to legit be going through a tough time.

Thankfully, the episode snaps us right back to tomfoolery as we get a first look at Kandi’s new baby line, “Raising Ace,” complete with rocking-horse toilet seats for actual infants. Kandi is not one to let a money-making opportunity pass her by. If she can monetize the tiny human that just came out of her body, by God, she will. Mama Joyce shows up to check on the progress for the Old Lady Gang restaurant. Mama Joyce starts talking about Phaedra, Porsha, and anyone else that pops into her head. She’s the Bianca Del Rio of Atlanta.

Phaedra sits down for lunch with Kenya; Porsha sits down to lunch with Sherée. The editors have a field day with this one. Phaedra tells Kenya that some regular dick in her life makes her skin just glow. Porsha and Sherée lament being labeled “Angry Black Women” with no irony or self-awareness. Kenya wants to know if Porsha’s anger management means she’s cured. Porsha wants to get everyone together for an afternoon of fun, but Kenya is waiting for an invite, preferably delivered by a baby owl on a pillow.

Kandi brings Bertha, Nora, and Mama Joyce to check on the progress of the Old Lady Gang restaurant since it’s still under construction. Bertha, Nora, and Mama Joyce are currently my favorite people on Earth and I would desperately like them to have a spinoff show. They could do anything — solve mysteries, take dance classes, just talk about people’s cousins. You know they have 22 hours of material on “ain’t shit cousins.” The OLG is excited about getting paid to stand around and pose for pictures and make cakes. As they drive off into the sunset, they scream, “YAAAAAAAASSSSSSSS! We getting paid!” Kenya takes Cynthia and Kandi to get their whole bodies waxed. Any hair under the nose must be removed.

After she’s made completely smooth, Cynthia goes to get coffee with Peter and he’s predictably triflin’. He tells her that answering the lawyer’s phone calls just was “not a priority in his life.” Peter. He finally realized he had to do something when he went to the hospital and he couldn’t call Cynthia anymore. He pulls out his phone and tells the lawyer to send the papers. They’re both crying. Everyone in the coffee shop is crying. I’m crying, although that might be election-related.

It’s time for the room-escape adventure. Everyone shows up in their workout clothes except for Kenya and Cynthia, who have giant-ass hats or the attitude equivalent of showing up somewhere in a big-ass hat. The teams will be Phaedra, Sherée, and Kandi against Cynthia, Kenya, and Porsha. The brains vs. the “dear God are they still screaming at each other?!” They split off into the zombie room and Sherlock’s library. Both teams press the “Clue” button 45 imes and neither team manages to escape. Porsha says, “Nobody won!” That’s right. Nobody won. And I’m crying again, this time definitely for election reasons. On the way out, Sherée and Kenya start talking for some unknown reason and tear into each other about how neither of them helped the other during their decade-long home-building process. Kenya storms out and Sherée shouts, “You’re shopping at Ikea! Your shit ain’t finished. Go twirl on some baseboards.” Correction: Sherée wins.

Real Housewives of Atlanta Recap: Great Escape