I have a somewhat serious question: Who the hell are all of those other people in the Vanderpump Rules cast photo that we see before and after the commercials? There are roughly 55 people in uniforms flanking Lisa Vanderpump, her husband, Ken Todd, and their ever-present dog, Giggy. I count about ten cast members on the show, so who are the rest of this chaff taking up valuable onscreen real estate? Do they all work at the restaurant? Are these the people who really work at the restaurant when the fake staff is out in that shabby alley making ridiculous apologies to one another?
One person whom I didn’t recognize in that cast photo is Peter the SUR manager who appeared on previous seasons. I didn’t recognize him at Tom and Katie’s “homewarming” party (why did everyone call it that?), but I remembered that I saw him on episodes that played in the background at the gym and he was the one with the bad hair and tacky goatee. I remember thinking, “Damn, if that guy got a haircut and a shave, he would look amazing.” Well, he did both and now he does. He might actually be the hottest guy in the whole restaurant now. Since he is in that cast photo, I will now look forward to it every week without judging those random girls named Madison (they are all named Madison) who are also in there.
I guess we should talk about the actual show, huh? Well, it starts with Katie taking all of her bridesmaids out for brunch and presenting them with those awful, blinged-out Pinterest tins that she hot-glued some flowers on top of. Sort of like a bridesmaid dress, she was like, “You can take it home and use it again,” and I guarantee you that those things are still in the backseat of every girl’s Kia Sephia, collecting dust and giving off the tangy scent of metal heated in a car interior. Inside each tin is a balloon, which they are supposed to pop to find a piece of paper inside that says, “Will you be my bridesmaid?” This was so incredibly stupid. Once one person read the paper out loud, I would have been like, “All right, screw this fussy bullshit. Where’s a mimosa?” I mean, can’t you just go around and ask everyone? Do we need to make this into some lame shower game?
My other favorite thing about the congregation is Katie’s three random friends (including her “leopard twin” with the same Cheetara tattoo on her wrist) who were seated at the end of the table. We see them once and then the cameras just focus on the SUR staff who are closest to Katie. Scheanna is like, “This is the best group of people,” and you could almost hear her think really loud, “Oh, and you three other girls are all right too.” It wouldn’t have been so awful if you couldn’t hear the Bravo producers saying to Katie, “You have to make sure those other friends of yours who are not on the show sit far away from you because we don’t want them messing up our shots with their muggle faces and pedestrian dresses.”
Speaking of awful things, can we talk about James? I don’t care about this whole thing about James maybe getting fired because Scheanna’s wedding photographer put him in a headlock at Pump. That is a stupid non-story that only exists to pad out the hour. What I want to focus on, instead, is James’s rationale for why people are mad at him and trying to cause him trouble.
During their sit-down, he tells Lisa, “People see me winning and they don’t like it.” All right, let me clear up one common misconception: The motivation for your haters, no matter who you are and who they are, is never “jealousy.” People are treating James like crap because he treats them like crap. He gets wasted and says something crass and then they react. Even if they start the altercation, he accelerates it with his loathsome attitude. None of that has to do with him “winning.” I bet most people don’t give a shit about James and his “top 100 single in iTunes”; they care that he just talked shit about them, spilled cranberry juice all over their shoes, or made some remark about how their girlfriend looks like a tarp full of garbage floating on a sea of farts. That is not jealousy. That is karma. There is a big difference.
James also tells Lisa, “I’m in a position that everyone wishes they were in.” Um, does anyone want to be the reality-television villain that everyone hates and a DJ at a second-rate gay resto-lounge in West Hollywood? I don’t know one single person who wants to be in that position except for my gay cousin Tyler and he is 17 and doesn’t know any better because he is from Upstate New York and still thinks that colored highlights are cool. Tyler is probably at home right now, wondering how long it’ll take to grow out his hair before he can put it into that stupid French-braid Mohawk that Tom Sandoval is sporting. That’s how dumb Tyler is. So if that is what James means, then he is right. Otherwise he is dead wrong and just a loser with a drinking problem who thinks he’s the second coming of Charlie Sheen.
The only person worse at apologizing and dealing with people than James is Lala. The scene with her and Katie in the SUR Golden Alley of Dreamz was one of the best things I have ever witnessed on reality television and I watched every season of The Mole, celebrity and otherwise. Lala apologizes to Scheanna and says, “Basically I’ve been a bully.” Um, wasn’t she just talking last episode about how the rest of the girls were bullying her? Can she see bad behavior through a lens other than something that’s the impetus for an It Gets Better video?
Anyway, she tells Katie that she wants to apologize but doesn’t say what for and just wants Katie to be like, “Okay, that’s fine, let’s be friends.” Katie, however, does not say that. She basically says, “Well, you’re a slut who is letting a married man buy you things and you’re a whore who sucks dick for money.” That, in and of itself, deserves a PhD in the reality-television arts. But even better is Lala’s response, which boils down to, “Well, a whore is someone who sucks a bunch of dicks for money and I only suck one dick for money, so I can’t be a whore. And, basically, my mom bought me all of that stuff because I have never paid a bill in my life, so there.”
Guys, do you realize how amazing that is? Lala actually thinks it is rad that a grown adult woman has her mom buy her “Loubs” and “Chanel purses” and Katie is just mad because she’s jealous. First of all, Lala needs to read everything I just said to James about jealousy. Secondly, this is how Lala treats a person whom she is trying to make like her. That is just absolutely insane and — wait, holy shit. Did you guys feel that? I think I just fell in love with Vanderpump Rules. I told you I didn’t want this to happen, but here we are. It only took a doe-eyed extension factory and a woman who dresses up like Ferdinand the Bull fighting in an alley about sucking dick for money and now I never want to stop watching this show. I’m so “jealous” of myself right now I could die of auto-erotic asphyxiation.
Speaking of things that I am in love with, Tom Schwartz invites Jax and Tom Sandoval over to ask him to be his groomsmen. This wedding is going to be as lopsided as Aviva Drescher hobbling out of Le Cirque without her prosthetic. To get back on all the horrible pranks that these two played on Tom when they were roommates, he makes them steak and shrimp that he wiped in his sweaty butt crack. And he didn’t just serve the meal and then tell them about it — he also provided photographic proof. I think this is the sort of exciting surprise that Katie was going for with her dumb balloon proposal, but it actually works.
Also, we got to see a fat hunk of meat in Tom Schwartz’s butt. When I normally imagine meat near my Schwartzie’s butt, it isn’t exactly like this. It’s more like him wearing boxer briefs that are covered in brisket, but this was still a thing of beauty. I just want my Schwartzie to know that not everyone would be so disgusted by that meal. Some of us would just love to eat those butt steaks. To just cut off slices of that juicy slab, slowly serrating the knife through layer upon layer of smooth flesh, and then inserting it into our mouths, savoring it, swirling it around with our saliva, enjoying the explosion of juice and flavor as it works its way around and around our mouths. Then we swallow, letting our guts fill with the warmth of knowing that our food, our very sustenance, was so close to the nether regions of man. Schwartzie, you can serve me any day, and I will ask for seconds before I even finish the firsts.
